While some might see this slow news week as an excuse to take a break from the major issues our nation faces, I think it gives us the perfect opportunity to make use of this valuable, advertiser-friendly, Pulitzer Prize-winning space to highlight a topic truly important to us all regardless of race, age, size or class. Something that is always prevalent on the edges of our news media, something that is a problem for both the left and right positions, and something we simply can't just avoid when it pops up: let us finally and openly talk about Sideboob.
Glorious, globious, gropious sideboob. Easily the bestboob. For, you see, sideboob is boob we were not necessarily supposed to see. Frontboob is so obvious. Look at my low-cut dress and my cavernous cleavage. How bout that boob? Check out my boob. You like that boob? But sideboob is sneaky boob. Illicit boob. Boob by accident. Boob only because you ambushed me at the perfect angle. Newsworthy boob.
The beauty of the sideboob is that you can really surmise the true size of the boob. There's no subterfuge. No artifice. No bra magic. You can fully and completely study the shape and substance of saidboob. So that's how those guys hang when they're unharnessed. Interesting. Very interesting. What wonderful curvature. What exquisite density. What a beautiful boob. This boob must be shared with the world.
Because we don't get to see much actual sideboob in our real lives. It takes a special someone to wear something with no sides. It requires a real set of balls, and boobs. Normal, everyday women usually wear boring garments that tend to go around their entire bodies. This leaves the sideboob as the sole domain of the starlet. Usually the young and perky ones as well. Anyone can pull off purposefulboob; it takes a real iconotrash to show a little side. That's why we owe them some coverage.
Properboob isn't worth the pixels it requires to display. There's a reason sideboob belongs on the first screen and fullboob on page 3. Forget fullboob. That's so flagrant. So in your face. Even the description "full frontal" sounds so crude. Wholeboob is a concerted effort, with lights and Photoshop, posing and makeup, planning and care -- sideboob is a sneak attack. No chance to prepare. No idea it was even happening. No control over your own body. Just a side of a boob spilling out.
Now let it be known that I'm on the side of all boob. Bikiniboob. Leanoverboob. Wettshirtboob. Tuckedintanktopboob. Floppyboob. Sloppyboob. Ladycoppyboob. Bouncingboob. Runningboob. Heavingboob. Pushupboob. Pushtogetherboob. Pushedupagainstglassboob. Paintedboob. Sculptedboob.. Cartoonboob. Fakeboob. Awakeboob. Sleepingboob. But none of those have anything on the sideboob. Except for maybe a nipple.
Which is why when we get a shot of a sideboob we cannot just let it go unreported. It must be posted. It must be printed. It must be publicized. And it must be published. This is the real world we're talking about. It can't always just be politics and nuclear threats from North Korea. It's time we move sideboob from the margins to the mainstream. From the side of the site to the center. From most popular to the masthead. Sometimes we all just want our news media to paint a prettier picture of the world we live in. Or shadily snap one. Of the side of Miley Cyrus's boob.
So some may call me shameless for writing about sideboob. Some may say I'm simply desperate for clicks. That I just want to bolster my number of tweets and shares. That I'm practically begging for comments. Some may say that I'm a completely sophomoric writer trying to appeal to the lowest common denominator in a pathetic attempt to generate some readership. You know what I say to that: check out this awesome picture of the side of Lindsay Lohan's tit.
Follow Gavin Shulman on Twitter: www.twitter.com/GavinShulman