A lot of news this week, including the fact that some rightwing organizations are dropping their support of Supreme Court nominee John Roberts, as Roberts once did some pro bono work for the gay rights case Romer vs Evans (in which the Supreme Court struck down a voter-approved Colorado initiative allowing employers and landlords to exclude gays from jobs and housing).
Roberts' work is frightening to the extreme right, because it means that Roberts might be gay-friendly, or even worse, he might even be....gay. (After all, isn't it a fact that only other gays help gays?)
Perhaps more interesting, however, is James Dobson's recently published guide for parents to help discover if their child is gay. (Dobson is the leader of the ultra-right-wing group, Focus on Family)
It turns out it's quite simple, as long as the child is between the ages of 4 and 11, and is a boy. (Dobson doesn't seem to understand, or care, that homosexuality occurs in females, probably because he used to boycott Disney-owned ABC and therefore never saw the Ellen DeGeneres Show).
There are seven simple steps:
1) Your boy has a strong feeling he is "different from other boys." As we all know, boys must feel exactly like all other boys, or else they are clearly homosexual.
2) "A tendency to cry easily, be less athletic, and dislike the roughhousing that other boys enjoy." Of course, on a relative scale, some boys are bound to be less athletic than others. Well, sorry. These boys are gay.
3) "A persistent preference to play female roles in make-believe play." When you see him play cowboys and Indians, and he wants to be the squaw... uh, oh.
4) "A strong preference to spend time in the company of girls and participate in their games and other pastimes." For example, boys must never play with their sisters. Isn't that the leading cause of homosexuality right there?
5) "A susceptibility to be bullied by other boys, who may tease them unmercifully and call them 'queer,' 'fag' and 'gay.'" Yes, parents, if the kid next door calls your son a fag, then he is. Four year-old neighbors have a sixth sense: They see gay people.
6) "A tendency to walk, talk, dress and even 'think' effeminately." Effeminate thinking is destroying our nation; someone better tell Condoleeza Rice.
7). "A repeatedly stated desire to be -- or insistence that he is -- a girl." This is the clearest sign. Apparently, your young homosexual will actually announce his sexual orientation by telling you, while drinking his juicy-juice, that he is actually a girl. Not a gay. A girl.
Whatever.
Dobson then explains that if your boy is experiencing several of these signs, you must rush him off to seek professional help immediately. Dobson doesn't make it quite clear how professional help is going to change the child, since sexual orientation is, according to all reputable sources, immutable. But imagine the fun your four-year-old will have when he is rushed off to a psychiatrist because he plays with his sister, he's not as athletic as other boys, and the kid next door made fun of him.
Here's another idea: think back on your childhood. Were you ever a male between the ages of 4 and 11? Did you ever display any of these signs? Are you actually gay? Thanks to Dobson's Seven Steps, for the first time, you can tell.
After all, look at John Roberts. He wants to have a job where he dresses up in long robes. What could be gayer than that?
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