Dear Dr. George,
I'm in a long distance relationship with my boyfriend of almost two years. We were together in the same city for a year and a half, but for the past six months have been in different cities. Even though this long distance relationship is not a new thing, I still can't get comfortable with the distance.
I have trust issues and I get paranoid sometimes that he will meet someone else, especially when he's lonely or tired and needs someone to talk to (and I'm not available). I'm also afraid if he will be bored with this kind of relationship, even though we actually see each other about every 2-3 weeks and talk everyday.
Recently when a new problem comes up we fight more frequently---especially when we are together. What is that about? And how can I handle trust and jealousy issues? I just hate living with worries and paranoia. Thanks so much for your answer!
-- Shasa Shasa
Dear Shasa Shasa,
This separation from your boyfriend is clearly a distressing situation, which makes sense since the Latin root of the word distress means "to pull apart or separate." The question is how to manage this distress so you can enjoy your boyfriend and grow your relationship further.
The part of the brain that handles stress is called the Limbic System or the emotional brain. When we are under stress for prolonged periods of time our body has difficulty balancing levels of Cortisol released. These sustained higher Cortisol levels can actually change the chemistry of the emotional brain. This is why soldiers returning from Afghanistan often become moody, irritable and sometimes violent.
I'm certainly not comparing your long distance relationship to fighting in Afghanistan, but the possibility exists that your emotional brain chemistry has been impacted by the stress of this separation. Once the emotional part of your brain is changed, unhelpful thoughts flow like a river that breached its dam. Jealousy, paranoia, and worry may be unleashed to cause havoc on your life.
Fortunately, you have yoga, hot showers, long naps, exercise, funny movies and best of all, friends and family. Find your favorite relaxing activity and do it often. Call your friends and family and spend more time with these people that love you.
A couple hours laughing with friends will drop Cortisol levels, firming up the dam that keeps your jealousy and paranoia in check. Then, when you meet your man, you will be relaxed, playful and most of all, able to help him reduce his own distress.
P.S. I encourage readers to offer their own thoughts and second opinions. Scroll to bottom of the page to give Shasa Shasa your comments.
It's tough out there in the real world. So many questions without good answers. My goal is to provide insight into life's more difficult dilemmas, offering sound clinical judgment mixed with a straight-from-the-hip attitude. Email me for free advice on any subject.
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