Dear Dr. George,
I came out of very bad relationship with a guy I was supposed to marry. I sold my house, moved my girls and me into his house and then, after one month, he changed and got very abusive. After five months, I finally had enough guts to move out. The worst part is I lost $40,000 with him, buying him things and even paying to live with him.
Now my question is... I went through extensive therapy and have met a great guy who will do everything for me. He gives me all his attention, from snuggling to cooking and cleaning. He will do anything for my girls and me. I am afraid this could be too good to be true.
He has been married before and we had our moments, but he made a 180-degree turn. He has told me he loves me and the person I have become. I have a lot of feelings for him and am falling in love with him. I am scared. I don't want to get hurt ever again. He said he will never leave me. I have a cement wall around me and I am afraid to knock it down but I know I could be very happy if I open up to him. Could you help me on my feelings? I know not to dwell on the past and to move forward. I am afraid. Help please!
---Debbie
Dear Debbie,
First of all, bravo to you for leaving an abusive relationship and to opening yourself up to new possibilities. I hear the fear in your email about reliving this past abuse, and about getting your heart broken by a man who appears to be a great partner for you and your children.
It's only natural for you to want to seal yourself off from future heartbreak, especially when faced with something very real and potentially healthy. But now it's time to move forward. As Ronald Reagan said, "Tear down that wall."
Easier said than done, right?
The key to moving forward with this new guy without fear is to communicate those worries to him. Unpack your "baggage" and place the items carefully in front of him so that he can see all that is you.
I suggest you invite your new man to therapy with you. Talk to him about your fears and tell him you want to "explore" your feelings in a safe place like a therapist's office. Emphasize that this is about you (because it is) and that you would like him to come to support you, and most importantly, listen to your fears without judgment. If he absolutely refuses, find a quiet time to take a walk. I recommend that you get your man moving, as many men feel uncomfortable having a "talk" of any kind on the couch or in some static state like sitting.
Tell him that this is very difficult for you to say, but that you want to reveal a part of yourself without judgment or advice. Inform him that just listening is the best thing he can do for you. Then, tear down that wall by bringing forth all that is in you---everything. Even the most scary thoughts. Stay strong and work on communicating every fear without falling apart. When you've told him the one thing that you swore you would never reveal, then you're done.
This will be huge for you! He may not say anything as you requested. He may just hug you, but putting this out there removes it from the dark spaces of your mind. Now together you can both manage this fear, overcome the past and move into the future with passion and joy.
All the best!
P.S. I encourage readers to offer their own thoughts and second opinions. Scroll to bottom of the page to give your comments.
me for advice.
- Recommended books on relationships.
- Sign up for a weekly Relationship Tip email.
- Check out my website: Relationship Rx: Prescriptions for the Soul.