I don't believe in advice. My theory is that everybody has the answers right inside of her, since we're all made up of the same amount of God. So when a friend says, "I need some advice," I switch it to "I need some love," and I try to offer that. Offering love usually looks like being quiet, listening hard, and letting my friend talk until she discovers that she already has all the answers. Since I don't offer advice, Craig and I find it funny that people ask me for it every single day. Constantly. Craig once asked what I make of that and I told him that I think friends ask me for advice because they know I won't offer any. People really just need a safe place and some time to discover what they already know.
Recently a dear friend called during a very hard day. She had made a parenting mistake. A parenting mistake is doing something opposed to what you believe is best for your children. I have a friend who is very health conscious and would call four frozen pizzas for dinner a horrible mistake, while I just call it dinner. Parenting mistakes are different for each mama. So when a friend tells me she made a mistake, I don't measure it against my beliefs and say: OH PUH-LEASE. THAT'S NOT A MISTAKE. I'll TELL YOU WHAT A MISTAKE IS, MISSY. Competing about who's the worst is as much of a drag as competing about who's the best.
In this particular case, my friend had become tired and hopeless and spanked her child. She considered this a mistake, because she doesn't believe in spanking. Please, baby Jesus, let us not debate the spanking issue. It's a mistake for some and not for others. This particular friend, who is as precious as water in a desert, was devastated. She asked me for advice. I immediately switched that to a request for love.
Then I told her what I do when I make a big or little parenting mistake, which is several hundred times a day.
I try to remember two things:
1. Who I am, and...
2. My most important parenting job.
First, I remember that I am a human being. And human beings make mistakes, almost constantly. We fall short of what we aim for, always. We get impatient. We get angry. We get selfish. We get freaking sick and tired of playing pet store. That's okay. It's just the way it is. Can't change it. Will always forevermore be. I'm human. Can't fight it. An elephant's gotta be an elephant and people gotta be people.
Then I remember what my most important parenting job is. And that is to teach my children how to deal with being human. Because most likely, that's where they're headed. No matter what I do, they're headed toward being jacked-up humans faster than three brakeless railroad cars.
There is really only one way to deal gracefully with being a jacked-up human, and that is this:
Forgive yourself.
It's not a once and for all thing, self-forgiveness. It's more like a constant attitude. It's just being hopeful. It's refusing to hold your breath. It's loving yourself enough to offer yourself a million more tries. It's what we want our kids to do every day for their whole lives long, right? We want them to embrace being human instead of fighting their whole lives against it. We want them to offer themselves grace. Forgiveness and grace are like oxygen -- we can't offer it to others unless we put our masks on first. We have to put our grace masks on, mamas. We gotta breathe it in deep. We gotta show 'em how it's done. We have to love ourselves if we want our kids to love themselves. We don't necessarily have to love them more, we have to love ourselves more. We have to be gentle with ourselves. We have to forgive ourselves and then ... oh my goodness ... find ourselves sort of awesome, actually, considering the freaking circumstances.
A well-known parenting magazine recently asked me to write an advice column for them. "About what?" I asked. "About how to raise happier kids," they answered. "Jeeeeez," I responded, "I don't know. I think the kids are all right. I'd rather help make mamas happier."
"It's a good point," they said.
I just want us to remember that when we became mamas we didn't change species. We're still humans. I mean, we're badass humans, for sure, but humans nonetheless. We make mistakes, all day, and that's good. We want our children to see that. We want them to learn how to handle mistakes, because that's really the only important thing to learn: We expect to make mistakes, we say we're sorry, we forgive ourselves, we shrug and smile, and we try again.
Repeat.
Repeat.
Repeat.
It's a good system. It creates graceful, interesting, peaceful, forgiving, jacked-up humans.
And don't forget ... in this forgiveness system, we get forever tries. We never run out of tries.
Parenthood is Forever Tries.
Follow Glennon Melton on Twitter: www.twitter.com/Momastery
The point is- you have to live your parenthood how you do. Mistakes happen. People might judge your parenting, The people in this forum are often are harsh, full of un-solicited advice and egotistical. Full of "she's right, but i'm more right about this"
Glennon's message is that we are all different and we need to make room for how we are different. Recognize how you are different, honor it, and parent from THAT. That is authenticity, and authenticity comes from within. Your answers should come from within and you should feel in your gut whether something works for you or something doesn't. If you are truly authentic with yourself you realize that others need to follow the beat of their own drum too, and you don't judge. PERIOD!
It would seem that this was not the first time, maybe but doubt it. I had my share of days of frustrations as a full time stay at home parent for an infant, toddler and was for years but never, ever, spanked-hit-either child. Instead of telling this mother about forgiving herself instead she sd be informed/counseled on other forms of discipline and stress released.
The next time she want to "spank" something she sd try a wall or tree as opposed to a child.
Perhaps Ingram and others who believe spanking and the fear associated it would enjoy a similar situation. I wonder how they would feel if I grabbed them by the arm and "spanked them correctly"?
Not always the right answers though, are they?
www.autismum.com
The love of Jesus may be a guiding force in your life, but it doesn't have all the answers all the time. And it certainly doesn't make spanking OK for anybody, anytime.
Also, why do you consistently use the female pronoun in this post? Is parenting a gender specific role?
www.daddingdudes.com
It is clear she see parenting as gender specific as do a good number of the parenting posts. One day it is all about equality, shared roles, and so forth and so on but do believe the majority of mothers/women s see dads as second class parent-just doing it until mom gets back. The double standards with so much of it is pretty clear. It is clear that with some women, note some, that men are looked upon more and more as sperm donors and an avenue that will enable them to focus upon their careers and money. As we know, it is all about the money.
www.daddingdudes.com
greatparenting.hubpages.com
However...not all parents make mistakes that are so forgivable. And the current generation of children are actually not in the greatest shape. 32 years in practice as a family psychotherapist has shown me that, without a doubt, the last 10 - 15 years of changes in parenting are producing much larger number of kids who are emotionally immature, depressed, and/or anxious. My observations are backed by empirical research, as well as by the observations of every psychologist and teacher I personally know.
Parenting is difficult, esp, in a culture as profoundly lost as ours is at this time. Parents need to educate themselves as they are often well-intended, but misguided.
And spanking - nope, it's not ok. Lots and lots of research backs up the down side. Having said that, I agree that your friend should forgive herself for a one-time, not excessive spanking. I've done it myself.
Sheri Noga, MA
www.grateful-child.com
I too see the lasting results of children whose parents were not parents who nurtured or supported their child(ren) in a way that created the best developmental outcome for their child. The number of children who are having social, emotional, behavioral, and cognitive and academic problems is staggering and that is the true reason our schools are struggling.
So many children today are experiencing adverse childhood experiences (ACE; the ACE study with Kaiser in San Diego shows the long term effects of ACE) and many children are not being given the early care they need to develop social, emotion, and behavior regulation, and when those domains are compromised the children's cognition is compromised too.
Child Development (that covers prenatal care, attachment, child guidance vs. punishment/spanking/hitting/beating, parenting styles of authoritative vs. authoritarian and permissive results, and include other things that are beneficial like reading) needs to be required in high school curriculum, so future parents will be better parents and more people will be educated on what children need and what helps or hinders their development.
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/home/you/article-1336463/Katie-Allison-Granju-The-mummy-blogger-terrible-secret.html