THE BLOG

My Transgender Life: When I Was a Young Girl

03/10/2015 01:23 pm ET | Updated Feb 02, 2016
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Memory is a funny thing!

I think I am one of the lucky ones as I get to travel down so many memory lanes.

There are so many memories of my inner world that no one ever was privy to. There are also all the memories of my external world, growing up, going to school, getting married, raising a family.

There are also the more recent memories of realizing these two worlds were both real and could come together in alignment. In my personal experience parallel lines -- or parallel lives can and do meet and can become a single line/life. I am so much better for this.

.....

When I was a young girl, no one ever knew I was there. I was invisible. I was so quiet, so silent, and I dare not let anyone see me or hear me. I was watching everything and waiting and dreaming for the day when it might be safe to come out. It was very hard, each and every day for me, and I knew I was alone. There were so many days when I would hide, but every now and then, I did peek out at the world. But I dare not let anyone see me.

When I was a young girl, I watched the other young girls. I wanted to play with them, but there was no way I could take the chance. What would they say? What would everyone say if I took that risk? After all, they did not see me. How could they? All they saw was the young boy that was in control of this body we shared. He was in here, too -- in the inner world we shared, but only he got to play in the outer world. We would often fight, but he always won, for such a long time. I was not a happy girl!

When I was a young girl, I could dream of anything. I dreamed of flying off to magical places where I could play with the other girls and have friends -- yes, most importantly have friends who really knew me. Oh! I had so many dreams of this. I remember how many times that boy just laughed at me and made me feel so badly about myself. I think he was jealous because he never had any friends either.

When I was a young girl, I watched that boy grow up, go to school and even get married. It was so hard for me to watch this, and I spent so much time hiding. When he had kids, I tried to make sure he treated them really well, not the way he treated me. I think I did a good job at this. Even though he was getting older, I was still a young girl, but one that knew so much.

When I was a young girl, I realized I only had one chance left to move to the outer world. I really did not want to hurt anyone. I really did not want to hurt those kids who amazingly were now adults themselves. I knew it would not be easy for me. I wondered if they would even want to know me. I wondered if I would at last even find some friends to play with and really knew me. I wondered what would happen to that boy -- who was already more like an old man.

When I was a young girl, I took the chance!

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Memories are a funny thing. They seem to come and go. Some are always present and some just float in an out of my consciousness so randomly. I am pretty sure they are all real! I am still that young girl and I have made peace with that boy/man who used to be in control of this body. He has so many memories, and we have become friends. He tells me he is happy now, remembering all that happened, and is really happy that I am now in charge of this body. He told me he never really felt right in it, and he is happy with what I've done to make it really mine. So am I, and I told him it fits me perfectly!

He seems to be enjoying what he says are his retirement days, and I laugh with him at this. I am okay when he peeks out and watches what goes on with me, and to be really good and let me stay in control. I know he works very hard at this. He is now one of my friends -- and I now have many others.

Sometimes he tells me stories that start with, "When I was a young boy..." I am learning to really like these stories.

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You can read more about the young girl and the young boy in Grace's book.

Grace Stevens is a transgender woman who transitioned at the age of 64. She is a father of three, grandparent of two, athlete, advocate and author of No! Maybe? Yes! Living My Truth, an intimate memoir of her personal struggle to transition and live her true life authentically as a woman. For more information about Grace, her work and how Gender Variance Education and Training can help you, visit her website at: http://www.graceannestevens.com/.