I haven't been home in two months. I've been bouncing from country to country - from doing research in Hong Kong to backpacking through Spain to studying abroad in Oxford - and I feel very lucky to have all the opportunities to do so. But it's the summer after my freshman year, and all of a sudden I find myself aching for the comforts of home, for something more than a room that isn't my own and a suitcase that contains all my life possessions (at least, for now).
Funny thing is, home can be found in the most unlikely of places. This morning, I learned my room had a doorbell for the first time when a woman rang it and told me she was here to clean my dorm (a luxury that Duke doesn't offer, but this is Oxford, y'all). And so I stumbled out of bed and let her in, and I busied myself with tidying up my room as she entered. I was slightly mortified that it was 10 in the morning and I had just woken up, but I digress.
We worked in silence for a few moments - her changing my sheets, I moving piles of jeans and dirty t-shirts from the backs of chairs to the drawers that they belonged in - until she turned to me and asked, "Are you Chinese?"
Here's the thing. When most people ask me this, they begin with the slightly more subtle, "Where are you from?" to which "Houston," is never the right answer. Eventually, we get to "Well, my parents are from China," and the accompanying, "Ahh, that's what I thought."
But I answered her with "yes," and she fired off some follow-up questions, consisting of was I born in the U.S. or China (the U.S.) and could I speak Chinese (yes, Mandarin).
And then she switched to Chinese.
She asked me about where home was and I told her Texas, and she asked me if that was close to New York. I told her no, but I had lived in NYC for two years, and she nodded and said she had never been to America.
America, in Chinese, is "Mei guo." "Guo" is the word for country, and "mei" means beautiful.
I told her the provinces where my parents were from, and that my entire extended family lived in China. I told her I visited every other summer.
She told me my Chinese was "bu cuo." Not bad.
She asked me how old my parents were.
She told me about her son.
She asked me if it really did cost a lot of money to go to college in America.
She asked me what I was studying.
I told her I wasn't sure. "Maybe biology."
And then, a little while later, she told me that she was finished cleaning my room.
"Goodbye," she told me in English.
"Goodbye," I replied in Chinese.
It has been months since I have spoken to anyone in Chinese. And it was just one conversation, for maybe half an hour, so maybe I'm thinking too much into it. But in that brief period of time, I was no longer in a stranger in a foreign country.
It's funny, because I speak English more fluently than I speak Chinese, and yet I felt more comfortable speaking to her than I have in a very long time. I have always struggled being Chinese-American. I have always struggled trying to figure out whether I could ever be truly American or truly Chinese. In my college applications, I said that I had finally learned that I was both, but sometimes I feel like I'm not one or the other.
But it has been months since I have been home, months since I've had my dad's cooking or heard my mom call us to dinner. It's been months since I've conversed with my siblings over rice and vegetables and Chinese sausage, and months since the fluid cadences of Chinese have washed over me.
Today, though, I found out that home is more than a place or a meal, and it is more than the people surrounding me. It's the familiarity of a language that I grew up speaking, and I know that I may not be fully American or fully Chinese but what does that matter, when I can come to an English-speaking country and I can hold a conversation in Chinese?
Maybe I will only ever feel comfortable when I am not defined as Chinese or American, but a little bit of both but also some of neither - in the end, I am just me.
Our 2024 Coverage Needs You
It's Another Trump-Biden Showdown — And We Need Your Help
The Future Of Democracy Is At Stake
Our 2024 Coverage Needs You
Your Loyalty Means The World To Us
As Americans head to the polls in 2024, the very future of our country is at stake. At HuffPost, we believe that a free press is critical to creating well-informed voters. That's why our journalism is free for everyone, even though other newsrooms retreat behind expensive paywalls.
Our journalists will continue to cover the twists and turns during this historic presidential election. With your help, we'll bring you hard-hitting investigations, well-researched analysis and timely takes you can't find elsewhere. Reporting in this current political climate is a responsibility we do not take lightly, and we thank you for your support.
Contribute as little as $2 to keep our news free for all.
Can't afford to donate? Support HuffPost by creating a free account and log in while you read.
The 2024 election is heating up, and women's rights, health care, voting rights, and the very future of democracy are all at stake. Donald Trump will face Joe Biden in the most consequential vote of our time. And HuffPost will be there, covering every twist and turn. America's future hangs in the balance. Would you consider contributing to support our journalism and keep it free for all during this critical season?
HuffPost believes news should be accessible to everyone, regardless of their ability to pay for it. We rely on readers like you to help fund our work. Any contribution you can make — even as little as $2 — goes directly toward supporting the impactful journalism that we will continue to produce this year. Thank you for being part of our story.
Can't afford to donate? Support HuffPost by creating a free account and log in while you read.
It's official: Donald Trump will face Joe Biden this fall in the presidential election. As we face the most consequential presidential election of our time, HuffPost is committed to bringing you up-to-date, accurate news about the 2024 race. While other outlets have retreated behind paywalls, you can trust our news will stay free.
But we can't do it without your help. Reader funding is one of the key ways we support our newsroom. Would you consider making a donation to help fund our news during this critical time? Your contributions are vital to supporting a free press.
Contribute as little as $2 to keep our journalism free and accessible to all.
Can't afford to donate? Support HuffPost by creating a free account and log in while you read.
As Americans head to the polls in 2024, the very future of our country is at stake. At HuffPost, we believe that a free press is critical to creating well-informed voters. That's why our journalism is free for everyone, even though other newsrooms retreat behind expensive paywalls.
Our journalists will continue to cover the twists and turns during this historic presidential election. With your help, we'll bring you hard-hitting investigations, well-researched analysis and timely takes you can't find elsewhere. Reporting in this current political climate is a responsibility we do not take lightly, and we thank you for your support.
Contribute as little as $2 to keep our news free for all.
Can't afford to donate? Support HuffPost by creating a free account and log in while you read.
Dear HuffPost Reader
Thank you for your past contribution to HuffPost. We are sincerely grateful for readers like you who help us ensure that we can keep our journalism free for everyone.
The stakes are high this year, and our 2024 coverage could use continued support. Would you consider becoming a regular HuffPost contributor?
Dear HuffPost Reader
Thank you for your past contribution to HuffPost. We are sincerely grateful for readers like you who help us ensure that we can keep our journalism free for everyone.
The stakes are high this year, and our 2024 coverage could use continued support. If circumstances have changed since you last contributed, we hope you'll consider contributing to HuffPost once more.
Support HuffPostAlready contributed? Log in to hide these messages.