God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Reinhold Niebuhr
When things get adversarial and tempers flare, turn your focus to what you say and do.
A conversation is wonderful because one plus one is greater than two. The two individuals affect each other in meaningful ways. Understanding, give and take, new ideas and rapport flow from conversation. The other side of that coin is conversation provokes anxiety and stresses you out because you cannot even stand the idea of talking to the person.
Pointing the finger at the other person is easy. Try the following instead. Imagine there is a video camera that only captures you. For the moment, consider the other person as an actor who is feeding you lines. What is the camera capturing of you?
Block out what the other person is doing to keep walls from forming. The other person likely triggers your fears, angers and other strong emotions. Put aside your reactions temporarily and focusing on your own success. Create an achievable and proactive goal.
In classes and trainings, I actually use a video camera and direct students to choose real difficult situations they are facing. The participants often complain that the other person is the problem. I help them re-frame success by coaching them to work on what they want to see themselves doing, e.g. speaking assertively or discussing the issue civilly. The students practice several takes and then review the video with me afterwards. They walk away with new-found competence and confidence.
See yourself doing well. Separate that from what the other person has done or will do. Picture success as it relates to you, your body language, volume, tone and words. Remember communication is 85% nonverbal. Develop your core message, e.g. the main theme for you in this interaction. Consider the one thing you want to convey. You can then proceed more confidently and competently.
In my next post, I will build on this by focusing how to figuratively move to the other person's side rather than away from them to build collaboration rather than further conflict.
To learn more about the importance of communication skills -- particularly in negotiation and conflict resolution -- read about the solutions, results and publications Grande Lum has created at Accordence, Inc.
For further discussion, contact Grande at grandelum@accordence.com