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Greg Boose

Greg Boose

Posted: May 30, 2009 11:55 AM

Classic Cartoons, As Rewritten by an Evangelical


Inspector Gadget


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Inspector Gadget, with the help of his niece, Penny, and their dog, Brain, work to discover the date of the imminent Second Coming. Inspector Gadget still uses his catchphrase "Go-Go-Gadget..." before referring to the myriad of gadgets buried within his clothes (the gadgets are no longer a part of his anatomy as that would mean he is part-robot, which is a mark of the Beast) such as his Gadget Staff, Gadget God-Planted-Dinosaur-Bones, Gadget Protest-Sign-Against-Queers and Gadget Mike-Huckabee.

Dr. Claw has ended his association with M.A.D., and has since joined M.A.D.D., going to area high schools during prom season to speak of the dangers of drinking and driving. His ugly metal hand has been replaced by one of those hobo gloves with the ends of the fingers missing so that he can always be reminded that God hates abortion even in times of rape.


Scooby-Doo, Where Are You!


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The gang travels the haunted country in their Mystery-of-the-Incarnation Machine, engaging the community directly and constructively to oppose same-sex marriage. Daphne is officially married to Fred in the eyes of the Church, Velma is a brainy nun who discovers secular clues with her expression "Jinkies, the Lord is Great," Shaggy enters the priesthood under his God-given name Norville Rogers and has taken a vow of fasting, and Scooby-Doo is left behind at the homestead to guard it against druggies and teenagers looking for sell-able copper.

During their adventures to old amusement parks, museums, Rocky Point Beach and ancient castles, the gang encounters no ghosts, just the Holy Spirit. The Harlem Globetrotters guest star to warn against the long-awaited Islamic prophet, "Imam," or the Anti-Christ.

Scooby-Doo gets an exorcism and can no longer talk.


The Smurfs

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The opening sequence now shows all 99 smurfs on their knees, thanking the Lord for the new day they have in their little mushroom village. There's an old man - Gargamel - who recently turned his back on sorcery and stopped trying to turn smurfs into gold. Gargamel found Jesus Christ, calls Him his savior, and is born again.

A new character, Christian Smurf, brings the message of faith and helps Brainy Smurf overcome his homosexuality. He also brings light and hope to Greedy, Grouchy and Vanity. Smurfette is no longer a whore and is married to Handy Smurf in a beautiful church wedding.

Papa Smurf recognizes there is one God expressed in three persons, that God created the universe, and he diligently leads his blue flock toward heaven. He shaves his beard so he doesn't look like an Islamic terrorist anymore.

Gargamel and the smurfs work together in a Cold Stone Creamery in a nearby village and spread the news that the Bible is God's revelation to humanity. Azrael, Gargamel's old house cat who is an atheist, runs a hardware store next door. Every episode there is a challenge on morality when a smurf enters the Azrael's store to have a key made. (All the locks had to be changed because of Hefty Smurf's need for fast cash due to his steroid addiction.)

Also, the smurfs all wear modest, loose fitting shirts.


Thundercats

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Taken off the air. Way too Satanic and scary. The estate of creator Tobin Wolf will be receiving Evangelical literature and several Bibles.


The Jetsons

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George Jetson preaches at a well-attended floating mega church in the year 2062. His wife, Jane, and two children Judy and Elroy are worship leaders and church musicians who refuse space-age leisure activities in order to do intergalactic missionary work.

While George's daily duties are to explain to his congregation that salvation comes only through the faith in Jesus Christ and not as a result of one's good deeds, he has gotten a second job at night pushing a single button at Spacely's Space Sprockets. Rosie, the robot maid, collects data on neighboring Protestants and homosexuals. The family dog, Astro, provides comic relief by saying things like "Ruh-roh, romosexuals" and "Rats rall right, rou're rorn ragain rand redeemed" until he gets an exorcism and can no longer talk.


He-Man and the Masters of the Universe

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He-Man's name is now He-Believes and his mantra, "By the power of Grayskull, I now have the power!" is now "Thank you, my Lord, for giving me the power to spread Your divine word in and around Grayskull!" He-Believes drops his Power Sword for a staff with a crucifix on the end, but he later brings the Power Sword back out when he goes to war with the Middle East to hasten the climate for the realization of the "end-time" events that have long been prophesied. Man-at-Arms continues to build weapons for the royal family but he wears less form-fitting pants.

The evil Skeletor has been charged with helping spread peace throughout the Middle East. He-Believes must convince Skeletor and Beast Man that Jesus Christ died and rose again for our sins and that Jesus wants the Gentiles to occupy Jerusalem. She-Ra stays at home writing newspaper editorials pushing for an all-out attack on Iran and Syria.

Also, He-Believes wears a modest, loose fitting shirt. And pants.