30 AMAZING THINGS ABOUT AMERICA ONCE IT BECOMES PART OF THE NEW CALIPHATE!

More available parking in the jewelry district

Hustler goes "all-ankle"

Zoos closed because chimps not adhering to laws of modesty

Finally decent halftime entertainment at the Super Bowl (beheadings)

The Fahrenheit 9/11 ride at Universal Studios.

City building inspectors greenlight all column work.

Osama FINALLY dethrones Madison for most popular new kids name.

'Virgin' Pina Coladas mean free rein at the cocktail waitress.

Winner of "America's Next Top Model" gets to marry a goat herder

Mixing with opposite sex without necessity will be banned - eliminating the Oxygen network

Queer Eye for the Vengeful Allah features the public blinding of all those who lay with men. You will also get a complete makeover.

Sexual relations with your wife is a conjugal obligation - bad news for James Brolin

The Friar's Roast is an actual roast -- of all those old Jew comedians.

Enterprise Rent-A-Mule

Tony Shaloub shot dead by obsessed fan in front of the Dakota; Fan seen holding "The Mullah in the Riyadh."

In the Pretty Woman remake, Julia Roberts is stoned to death.

In late model cars, integrated circuitry replaced with prayer rug

Global Warming is will of Allah. Al Gore beheaded for blaming science.

France sends 100 foot statue of Abu Musab Al Zarqawi for New Mecca Harbor as sign of good will

Traffic accidents increase due to "gaze averting" low beam

Rosie O'Donnell will be in a burkha

George Clooney will have to permanently keep his Syriana beard

We can finally stop talking about 9/11 and those stupid conspiracy theories (but Cheney is still to blame)

We no longer have to wait till drunk to blame the jews

You save the equivalent of $300 per year on toilet paper

Honor killings give you something to do on weekends

Flogging courses taken during the summer counts toward college credit

Women aren't allowed to drive, unless accompanied by a suicide bomber

Used Toyota pickups now seat 40.

Mullahs mysteriously allow Huffington Post to continue in their current infidel path. Allah, not known for his sense of humor, bans this.

Now, my lovely friends: do you have any of your own to offer? I bet you do! ; )