Hello everyone. It's me Greg. I'm taking off for a while. You might say it is a vacation. My friends and family have been instructed to call it that, anyway.
Frankly, I am just tired of the anger that permeates the blog, and primarily among those who make comments. So I am going away, to think about my role at the blog. And my role in life, in general.
In the meantime, here is...
A STORY ABOUT FAT ALICE, AND THE CONSEQUENCES OF BULLYING.
Not too long ago, a young girl lived on my block. Her name was Alice. Alice was very fat. So fat, in fact, that the neighbors on her block would refer to her as "Fat Alice."
It wasn't a necessary nickname, since there was only ONE Alice, on the block.
There was no skinny Alice.
Or black Alice.
Or "Impetigo" Alice.
Just one Alice.
Yet, people called her "Fat Alice."
Alice would endure taunts daily.
"Hey, look -- it's fat Alice."
"Here comes Alice. She's fat."
"Alice, you're fat."
"Hey Fat Alice, open wide."
(That last one came from her dentist during a routine cleaning.)
Over time, the taunts got worse. And then suddenly, Alice disappeared.
Where did Alice go, you ask?
What could have happened to her, after years of bullying about her weight? Did she kill herself? Did she turn to drugs? Did she wind up in prison, only to spend hours self-mutilating with a dull razor?
No. She went to a special camp for obese kids, where she lost weight. Once she became thin, she was discovered by a high-powered Manhattan modeling agency, and quickly signed a contract that made her a multi-millionaire. She now lives in the south of France, with her doting husband and two beautiful children.
Not all bullying stories end up like this. But this one did. And I am sure there are dozens of others like it, too.
So, Huffers, the next time you hurl invective at someone like me, think of Fat Alice. You never know when your cruel words can turn a caterpillar into a butterfly.
(For more stories on the effects of bullying on weight loss, email me at ggutfeld@yahoo.com.)
ALSO:
WHILE I AM AWAY, i've asked the Huffpo to take care of things around my apartment, so here's the checklist:
CENK - please put a hold on my mail & newspapers, or ask a neighbor to take them inside. Please do not steal any copies of American Bear. Or use the toilet. I don't want a repeat of last year. I ruined two good coat hangers.
D. CORN, I set a timer for my lights (inside & out); but i would like you to go inside once every day and turn on the radio. Please leave the Red Boy alone. Last time you left the multi-speed controller on, and wore it out. As you know, its non-returnable. Also: when inside, be sure to close window blinds and curtains. Or wear a bathrobe.
ARIANNA, When you mow the lawn, please schedule it for the late afternoon or evening. That way the grass has had plenty of time to dry from the morning dew, as well as from the tears caused by the heartlessness and greed that now passes for Bush's government policy.
Finally, I have boarded my pets with Richard Bradley. He's very excited. He's never had a "dutch Shepherd" before.
I am also leaving an extra key with Franken. It's taped in the second fold beneath his left armpit.
ta ta!