FERTILIZER BOMBS FOUND AT HUFFPO
(newswire)
Police and intelligence officials have discovered a large cache of crude but powerful fertilizer bombs at
the Huffington Post, representing the largest sweep of the odious substances in recent memory.
The fertilizer, thinly disguised as posts, can be made explosive when it comes into any contact with opposing viewpoints, particularly those that can be categorized as "common sense."
"The reaction is instantaneous: when confronted with a thought does not match their assumptions about the inherent evil of the US, combustion occurs." According to officials, the posted fertilizer is never, ever targeted at any individual or organization outside the US. "Even when extremists in other countries execute citizens for selling falafel or ice, those at the Huffington Post prefer to focus their lame rage on people who live in red states, enjoy beef and go to church on Sunday," says one expert. One official believes that when all the posts are put together, they equal the force of "1 ton of ammonium nitrate."
According to sources in the room, it smells a lot like excrement.
The individuals behind the posts are much like the terror suspects in Canada, in that, as the Toronto Star reports, they represent "the broad strata of our community." Meaning, they're really decent people with little in common beyond being employed, unemployed, and owning more than a number of cats. "We believe you can spot them easily if you listen closely to the sounds of soft jazz or follow the dank scent of vegan cooking."
While the motives are unclear, many experts believe these posts are written merely as a platform to express emotion without offering any single clear idea behind them. Even more, authorities believe that none of the suspects have any real affiliation with the outside world. "We believe they are known to frequent places like their bathroom, their bedroom, and sometimes the kitchen," says one official.