THE BLOG
09/15/2008 01:52 pm ET | Updated May 25, 2011

SARAH PALIN'S MURDEROUS WEB OF DEATH

Calling Sarah Palin a murderer might seem a stretch.

At first.

But alarmingly, Sarah Louise Heath Palin was born on February 11, 1964 - a suspicious beginning, as it is also the forty-eighth anniversary of the arrest of the free-thinking "first-wave feminist" Emma Goldman, for lecturing on the benefits of... birth control.

This "coincidence" could be easily dismissed, if poet and woman Sylvia Plath had not committed suicide one year (to the day) prior to the birth of Palin. Whether Palin was aware of this fact as a child isn't known - and whether the banning of the book "The Bell Jar" was actually discussed with her parents cannot be said for certain, but there had to be a reason why both mother and father landed comfortable jobs at various schools of learning - convenient locations that gave them easy access- not simply to books - but to bells, jars, and to children as well.

Yes: Our children...many of whom at the time were childlike - and vulnerable, like the late Sylvia Plath. If Plath could not weather the already considerable exploits of a youthful Palin - what harm might come to these young and helpless individuals?

"A lot," says one person who wishes to remain anonymous because I am related to him.

Palin was "born" in Sandpoint, Idaho - but for murky reasons fled to Alaska - a well-timed move considering that only a decade or so later, Sandpoint would become a destination for like-minded travelers called the Aryan Nations. The organization claims to have disbanded in 2001 - a "fact" Palin might want us to believe, as she made more than several visits back to Idaho - for what observers call "schooling." Not necessarily an advocate of "white power," it is safe to say that Palin is white, and full of power.

That's what some skeptics might call "convenient."

Either way, at a tender age, and despite the "grooming," she wasn't expressing her views on the master race just yet. If anything, she was mastering her own race (5k's) - and gearing up for something more explosive: the lurid practice known in many parts as moose hunting. Because moose are plenty, they are currently categorized as "lowest risk" on conservation status charts, making them an even easier target for people like Palin, who own guns. Not willing to accept the tougher challenges of targeting scarcer animals like condors or spotted owls, she opted to kill the low-hanging fruit. Lucky for us, in Alaska, humans are few.

It has been alluded in many places that Sarah was captain of the school's basketball team, playing point guard - a position that might have been filled by an African American had there been an actual African American in Alaska. Palin is said to have hit a last-second free throw to win the game. Tracking down witnesses to this event proves difficult - because there are so many.

"It's a lot of work," says my intern, who is currently unpaid.

Palin's nickname at the time was "Sarah Barracuda" perhaps because with barracudas, hand-feeding is discouraged. The same could be said of someone like Sarah, who - while eating - was rarely seen without a knife or fork. "It's what she does," says one observer, to the welcoming nods of other observers - who were nearby, observing.

One must wonder if George Orwell would have seen the irony in Palin winning the Miss Wasilla Pageant, for it happened, of course - in 1984, only a few miles from a local animal farm. Eerily, this is the same year that Richard Ramirez, also known as the Night Stalker, claimed his first victim. Whether Palin was in contact with Ramirez at the time cannot be verified, but when Palin finished second runner-up in the Miss Alaska pageant, it is unlikely that the outcome sat well with either of them. Few experts know what drives serial killers to kill serially - but later, Palin winning the "Miss Congeniality" award, must have been icing on the cake.

A very deadly cake, one might add. With murderous frosting. Made of death.

And murder.

During this time Palin continued hunting, as did the Night Stalker, who often linked his crimes to his love of the hard rock band AC/DC, an outfit known for such songs as "Gone Shootin,""Guns for Hire," and "Shoot to Thrill" - all songs that describe Palin's hobbies succinctly. As the Night Stalker's victims piled up, it never once occured to Palin that her implicit endorsement of the Australian band's hateful brand of music might come back to haunt her like a ghost of one of her dead moose victims.

Well, it has, just now. I am that moose (metaphorically).

Perhaps that's why she fled once again, this time to the University of Idaho (by way of Hawaii) - another flagrant nod toward the joys of destructive behavior - given that "the Vandal" is the college mascot. Terrel Bell, an alumnus of this remote college, served as the Secretary of Education under Ronald Reagan, a wildly unpopular president according to many Europeans. More alarming - Bell was "the designated survivor," a member of the Cabinet who stays at secret locations in case war breaks out. Why Terrel was chosen for this role, or why Palin chose to attend HIS alma matter - remains forever murky, for this "designated survivor," no longer survived. He died in 1996 - the EXACT same year that Palin began her first term as mayor of Wasilla, Alaska. A religious person now ascending politically - her power could be felt across continents, reverberating in the soul of Carl Sagan, beloved atheist.

Sagan might say, "These coincidences number in the billions and billions," if he had not died that VERY SAME year.

Still, the coincidences seem to be piling up the way they often do - criss crossing like lines on a page drawn over each other, again and again, until the page turns into a cloud of darkness, shrouding what can only be described as an intricate pile of coincidences that appear to be criss-crossed lines. Or, a cloud of some kind.

Or shroud.

Meanwhile, as the Night Stalker continued to kill, and former Reagan cabinet members continued to die off mysteriously, Palin managed to find time helping her husband's commercial family fishing business. "Doesn't a commercial fishing vessel seem like an apt vehicle to rid an ever growing cornucopia of corpses?"

Yes, it does, and thanks for asking.

Ending her term as mayor of Wasilla in 2002, the town itself had about 6,300 residents. Now, according to 2008 statistics, there are 7,000 plus - a profoundly dramatic increase since Palin vacated the job. Where were these 700 people during her reign? No one knows - and to raise the possibility that these individuals were possibly "hidden," perhaps because they were the products of a right wing Christian baby mill, seems a tad premature. Sure, you and I both know that Hipparchus is the father of trigonometry. Yet we still don't know who the mother of Trig is.

And that math just doesn't add up.

Unless it's a mathematics of lies that only a mentally-challenged individual could miss.

No offense, Matt Damon.