SARAH PALIN'S MURDEROUS WEB OF DEATH

Calling Sarah Palin a murderer might seem a stretch.

At first.

But alarmingly, Sarah Louise Heath Palin was born on February 11, 1964 - a suspicious beginning, as it is also the forty-eighth anniversary of the arrest of the free-thinking "first-wave feminist" Emma Goldman, for lecturing on the benefits of... birth control.

This "coincidence" could be easily dismissed, if poet and woman Sylvia Plath had not committed suicide one year (to the day) prior to the birth of Palin. Whether Palin was aware of this fact as a child isn't known - and whether the banning of the book "The Bell Jar" was actually discussed with her parents cannot be said for certain, but there had to be a reason why both mother and father landed comfortable jobs at various schools of learning - convenient locations that gave them easy access- not simply to books - but to bells, jars, and to children as well.

Yes: Our children...many of whom at the time were childlike - and vulnerable, like the late Sylvia Plath. If Plath could not weather the already considerable exploits of a youthful Palin - what harm might come to these young and helpless individuals?

"A lot," says one person who wishes to remain anonymous because I am related to him.

Palin was "born" in Sandpoint, Idaho - but for murky reasons fled to Alaska - a well-timed move considering that only a decade or so later, Sandpoint would become a destination for like-minded travelers called the Aryan Nations. The organization claims to have disbanded in 2001 - a "fact" Palin might want us to believe, as she made more than several visits back to Idaho - for what observers call "schooling." Not necessarily an advocate of "white power," it is safe to say that Palin is white, and full of power.

That's what some skeptics might call "convenient."

Either way, at a tender age, and despite the "grooming," she wasn't expressing her views on the master race just yet. If anything, she was mastering her own race (5k's) - and gearing up for something more explosive: the lurid practice known in many parts as moose hunting. Because moose are plenty, they are currently categorized as "lowest risk" on conservation status charts, making them an even easier target for people like Palin, who own guns. Not willing to accept the tougher challenges of targeting scarcer animals like condors or spotted owls, she opted to kill the low-hanging fruit. Lucky for us, in Alaska, humans are few.

It has been alluded in many places that Sarah was captain of the school's basketball team, playing point guard - a position that might have been filled by an African American had there been an actual African American in Alaska. Palin is said to have hit a last-second free throw to win the game. Tracking down witnesses to this event proves difficult - because there are so many.

"It's a lot of work," says my intern, who is currently unpaid.

Palin's nickname at the time was "Sarah Barracuda" perhaps because with barracudas, hand-feeding is discouraged. The same could be said of someone like Sarah, who - while eating - was rarely seen without a knife or fork. "It's what she does," says one observer, to the welcoming nods of other observers - who were nearby, observing.

One must wonder if George Orwell would have seen the irony in Palin winning the Miss Wasilla Pageant, for it happened, of course - in 1984, only a few miles from a local animal farm. Eerily, this is the same year that Richard Ramirez, also known as the Night Stalker, claimed his first victim. Whether Palin was in contact with Ramirez at the time cannot be verified, but when Palin finished second runner-up in the Miss Alaska pageant, it is unlikely that the outcome sat well with either of them. Few experts know what drives serial killers to kill serially - but later, Palin winning the "Miss Congeniality" award, must have been icing on the cake.

A very deadly cake, one might add. With murderous frosting. Made of death.

And murder.

During this time Palin continued hunting, as did the Night Stalker, who often linked his crimes to his love of the hard rock band AC/DC, an outfit known for such songs as "Gone Shootin,""Guns for Hire," and "Shoot to Thrill" - all songs that describe Palin's hobbies succinctly. As the Night Stalker's victims piled up, it never once occured to Palin that her implicit endorsement of the Australian band's hateful brand of music might come back to haunt her like a ghost of one of her dead moose victims.

Well, it has, just now. I am that moose (metaphorically).

Perhaps that's why she fled once again, this time to the University of Idaho (by way of Hawaii) - another flagrant nod toward the joys of destructive behavior - given that "the Vandal" is the college mascot. Terrel Bell, an alumnus of this remote college, served as the Secretary of Education under Ronald Reagan, a wildly unpopular president according to many Europeans. More alarming - Bell was "the designated survivor," a member of the Cabinet who stays at secret locations in case war breaks out. Why Terrel was chosen for this role, or why Palin chose to attend HIS alma matter - remains forever murky, for this "designated survivor," no longer survived. He died in 1996 - the EXACT same year that Palin began her first term as mayor of Wasilla, Alaska. A religious person now ascending politically - her power could be felt across continents, reverberating in the soul of Carl Sagan, beloved atheist.

Sagan might say, "These coincidences number in the billions and billions," if he had not died that VERY SAME year.

Still, the coincidences seem to be piling up the way they often do - criss crossing like lines on a page drawn over each other, again and again, until the page turns into a cloud of darkness, shrouding what can only be described as an intricate pile of coincidences that appear to be criss-crossed lines. Or, a cloud of some kind.

Or shroud.

Meanwhile, as the Night Stalker continued to kill, and former Reagan cabinet members continued to die off mysteriously, Palin managed to find time helping her husband's commercial family fishing business. "Doesn't a commercial fishing vessel seem like an apt vehicle to rid an ever growing cornucopia of corpses?"

Yes, it does, and thanks for asking.

Ending her term as mayor of Wasilla in 2002, the town itself had about 6,300 residents. Now, according to 2008 statistics, there are 7,000 plus - a profoundly dramatic increase since Palin vacated the job. Where were these 700 people during her reign? No one knows - and to raise the possibility that these individuals were possibly "hidden," perhaps because they were the products of a right wing Christian baby mill, seems a tad premature. Sure, you and I both know that Hipparchus is the father of trigonometry. Yet we still don't know who the mother of Trig is.

And that math just doesn't add up.

Unless it's a mathematics of lies that only a mentally-challenged individual could miss.

No offense, Matt Damon.

Comments

[Queen1]

Greg,
Well done. I posted a previous comment--didn't think it was off topic, offensive, etc., but it didn't make the cut. As one conservative satirist to another, bravo. I especially liked the bit about bells, jars, etc. Made me think of The Far Side, for some reason. Anyway, count me as a fan; always good when you can be an equal-opportunity offender. Come visit the Queendom sometime. I won't post the link; perhaps that's what got my previous comment smashed.

[Montressor]

I literally can not stop laughing. Not so much at this article, it was only mildly funny. But at the fact that the neo-con lemmings over at Little Green Footballs picked up on this article....and took it seriously! Some of their posters are ranting on and on about how crazy the left is. The irony is...I'm just speechless. You know that self-important dork from high school who had an opinion on everything but was head-slappingly misinformed? Well, he grew up and is now posting over at the LGF echo chamber.

Kudos to you, Mr. Gutfeld. It's a mark of bitingly effective satire.

[tonejunkie]

I laughed quite a few times throughout this piece thinking I was reading some clever satire written by a fellow liberal creating a character who exemplifies the meanie liberal press as seen through the eyes of a nation of crybaby conservatives over their precious, porcelain pol Palin.

But then I got to the last line dissing Damon and I realized I had to remove one ply of irony (and half the cleverness) to flip the whole thing 180 degrees from liberal mockery of conservative mockery to merely conservative mockery.

[ArcherB]

First, you shouldn't rate something based on if it fits your political view of the world. You can disagree with something and still find it funny, or you should be able to anyway. Just like you should be able to go to family reunions, even though your brother is on the opposite wing as yourself.

Greg Gutfeld has a show on Fox News. You can always count on him to be an equal opportunity offender. When I'm up way too late, I see Greg and the guests on his show and have no idea where they stand politically because everyone is the joke.

Relax. Open your mind. Try not to see the world through your political blinders.

[tonejunkie]

(pt.3)
Okay, here's the hypocrisy test now.
Imagine you just found out Eli's actually a Democrat.
Would the above exchange between Heather and him as two Democrats be just as funny to you?
If no, then you answered correctly and perhaps now you understand my take on Gutfeld's piece and the letdown I felt at the end. Political perspective DOES change it. So if you were trying to avoid being a hypocrite by forcing yourself to think it was equally funny whether Eli was a Dem or a Repub (like whether Greg's a Dem or a Repub), too bad. It was a trick test. There is no hypocrisy. They're supposed to be different and there's nothing wrong with it. That's my point.
Finally, it should be said that if Gutfeld was aware of all this perspective ambiguity and sarcastic layering, then my hat's off to him. But, frankly, I see no evidence of it given how thick that last line was. It's much more likely he had nothing more in mind than basic mockery for his regulars to get a kick out of by way of playing a liberal media dolt. That old cliche. And the last line was likely not an intended rug pulling from under the feet of liberal readers, but merely a red-meat line to his conservative fans as he stepped out of character with a bow. But up to that point I enjoyed it as well. So we all got something out of it.

[tonejunkie]

(pt.2)
So as for your advice that I should be able to "disagree with something and still find it funny," I think this example shows that I can because I don't agree with the premise contained in Eli's sarcasm that Democrats/liberals paint Republicans/conservatives as more awful than they are. Well, okay, there's a seed of truth there that makes the joke work, but overall I think it's safe to say that Eli and I disagree wildly as to how guilty we libs are of it. Nonethetheless, I found it quick-witted and very funny.
Now, let's compare Greg Gutfeld's article / blog post. What happened was I mistook him for a liberal using the same sarcastic tone Eli used -- namely, exaggerating the horribleness your political opponents see in you and mocking them for it.
To wit from my previous post: "(I thought I was reading a) ...fellow liberal creating a character who exemplifies the meanie liberal press as seen through the eyes of a nation of crybaby conservatives..."
And in the above example, conservative Eli, for a moment, created a character who exemplifies meanie conservatives as seen through the eyes of a nation of crybaby liberals.
So in reading Greg's post with Eli's humor, I was reading it wrong -- but the wrong way is funnier!
Don't believe me?

[tonejunkie]

(pt.1)
Okay, first I'm going to give an example of politically conservative humor that I found hilarious.
Then, I'm going to test you for hypocrisy. Fair enough?
Okay, the following [ http://bloggingheads.tv/diavlogs/14111?in=01:35&out=01:55 ] is from a diavlog that took place a couple weeks ago between writers Heather Hurlburt (Democrat) and Eli Lake (Republican). Eli was in the Twin Cities covering the GOP convention and had just referred to the hurricane Gustav delay as being like a snow day...
Heather: So, Eli, what do Republicans do on a snow day is what I really want to know.
Eli: Umm, well... There was a... There was a working family that had been tied to a stake...
Heather: Hahaha!
Eli: ...and people were encouraged to throw rotten fruit at them.
Heather: Hahahaha!
Eli: There was an interactive map of the nation of Iran where you could sort of push buttons of places you'd like to bomb... I'm just joking around, everybody! That's a joke.
Heather: Heeheehee!
I don't know how funny you found that, especially given this abrupt context, but I laughed even harder than Heather did and if you've never had coffee shoot up your nose, I don't recommend it.

[JimmyTee]

It's never fun when your smugness takes a hit. You're doing okay, though!

[MarkInIrvine]

Aha! No WONDER that the villainous company on the so-called right are in such a lather about keeping the media dogs away from the vet: there is so much dastardly nefariousness to reveal, or to conceal as it were. Keep up the good work and remember: leave no pebble unturned.

[schatsie]

Hey this woman and Alaska would be good in a Harry Potter style book....or a remake of Hamlet or McBeth with McCain being the murdered king....endless potential here and also with John and Cindy and her two sisters...

[anfractuous]

Surprisingly funny for a congenital fool. Be careful; whatever unholy experiment caused this transformation is likely to have tragic consequences.

[situationcritical]

The Gutfield republican express returns!

Can Seth Swirsky be far behind?

[Consigliere5]

thank you thank you for returning, Greg!

now get back to work on your kiosk for people who don't have internet access!

[LWkcma]

Too funny....and for a lipstick wearing PIG [I don't want to insult Pitbulls, and since she is a republican she must be like...."pigs feeding at a trough"] she looks alarming like Tina Fey....sorry, Tina.

[Yodave]

What was the middle part?

[ramrocks]

Finally, someone with a sense of humor over here and the ability to see the ridiculous nature of these stupid smear efforts. Thanks!

[NelsonC]

Ha ha. Oh my! Delicious.
I believe what Mr. Gutfield is trying to say with this piece is that Sarah Palin is being unfairly investigated and criticized. Granted, it's difficult to see the subtext because it is a very subtle satire.
By drawing a ridiculously conspiratorial web of murder and mayhem, he illustrates how paranoid those reporters who investigate Palin's record really are.
Clearly if you dare question the experience and credentials of someone running for VP, you may as well be a total moonbat accusing that person of blood-spattered carnage.
We all really need to lighten up and can the questions about Ms. Palin. I'd rather some mystery person be the VP, that look like a total loon for wondering about who that person is.
And Mr. Gutfield, (who is very witty and should get his own TV show some day) makes another excellent point; Matt Damon is mentally challenged. I never noticed that before. But since Damon recently criticized Palin, he must be nuts.

[zachgarber]

NelsonC:

No, you missed the point. Everyone, including people considering voting for McCain-Pailn, wants to know about both tickets. But the innuedno and crazy rumors about Palin are the nuts part. Legit questions aren't the issue, the crazy ones are; get it, the crazy-ass questions are crazy -ass. The AP is doing stories about Palin that they have not done on the other cnadidtaes --including McCain. The MSM is making more of deal out of her firing the Police Chief of Wasilla --a legal act by the laws of Wasilla and supported by the findings a federal judge-- than they are about Obama working with Bill Ayers or how they spent $50 million on school programs in Chicago without improving anything. Criticize, discover, inform --these are good. Reapet rumors, act like christians are insane until they prove otherwise, give wieght to the idea that because Palin lived in Idaho she might be whitesupremacist --these are crazy. Got it? Now, about Obama inventing the Lochness Monster and Bigfoot...

[NelsonC]

I would agree that I had missed the point; if the crazy rumors surrounding Sarah Palin had come anywhere near the craziness of the rumors that surrounded McCain, Obama, Clinton, Kerry, Gore, Bush, the other Clinton, the other Bush, and so on.

Sadly, Palin was not destined to be the first nominee in the history of our country to go through a campaign without some idiot hurling out a ridiculous accusation. But the McCain campaign is trying to associate that rumor-mongering to the normal journalistic inquiry of this relative unknown to try to paint a picture of someone unfairly singled out for extra-rough treatment by the press. Mr. Gutfeld is an undeniably bright guy, and even he bought into that idea.

Don't get me wrong. It's a brilliant strategy. Every campaign would like as little questioning of their candidate as possible, and to plant the idea that all criticisms are the work of crazy-people.

If they are able to fast track Palin to the VP office in the few short months between now and then, all the while keeping a JD Salinger-like distance from that evil press corp, I will be disappointed but somewhat impressed.

If she's able to play the press like that, hey, maybe she's really got some skills.

[JimmyTee]

It might have helped if they'd led off with questioning Palin's experience and credentials, then, instead of questioning the contents of her uterus. Now the smear campaign is blowing up in their faces, and suddenly they want to talk about the issues.

Greg, have you sent this to Andrew Sullivan? I think you raise some very disturbing questions, which as Sullivan points out is the function of journalism.

[Conservathink]

Unfortunately, JT, Sullivan himself was amongst those who "questioned the contents of her uterus".