11/29/2005 12:28 pm ET | Updated May 25, 2011

Thinkin' Locally, Actin' Globally

As you know, we are on the verge of an environmental calamity never before experienced in our lives: I am talking about the coming ravages of global warming. Laurie David has done her job, voicing the outrage we all share when it comes to this impending disaster. But we need to do more than rail against Bush, or the Republicans, when it comes to the damage we have done to our environment. We need to act now. We need to do our part.


That's the BIG question.

Mike Fallows in the New Scientist explains that the unpopulated earth surface has an "albedo" of .29, meaning that it reflects 29 percent of the sunlight that falls upon it.

Interestingly, with an added albedo of 0.1, urban centers absorb more sunlight than the global average. Why is that?


FACT: If we were to start painting all roofs white, we could push the earth's albedo from .29 towards .30, which according to a basic "zero-dimensional" model of the earth that I have actually read about, would lead to a drop in global temperature of up to 1 degree celsius, canceling out the global warming that apparently has taken place since the industrial revolution.

Thus, if all our roofs were white, our cities would essentially act the same way polar ice caps do, reducing the impact of the greenhouse effect by reflecting sunlight!

Now, I understand it's probably impossible to get everyone to paint their roofs white. This would take years to accomplish, laws to pass, and billions of dollars worth of white paint!

Sadly, that's just not realistic: It's UNREALISTIC.

However, If you are a concerned person who wants to do your part for the environment, you can act locally, so to speak, by wearing a white robe or sheet, which has a large reflective white surface (as opposed to, say a white shirt or linen trousers), along with a pointed white cap (with eye slits) which helps repel sunlight even more. By performing this simple act, we would, together, create the world's largest human polar ice cap!

If you truly cared about the earth, you would head immediately to Macys (or similar department store) and pick up a 300 Thread Count Egyptian Cotton BedLinen flat sheet, make a hood out of a fitted sheet, and wear both proudly around town. Perhaps we can arrange a massive anti-global warming party in Skokie, Illinois, and get Diddy involved. He was, after all, way ahead of his time with his Hampton's all-white parties.

Your friend and enlightened thinker of the earth and earth-like-matters,
Greg Gutfeld : )

PS: i was watching the BBC last night and saw a British show called the Office. It was a total rip-off of that American tv series, the Office.