For most of my adult life I have been searching for that perfect verbal defense, a go-to excuse that, once uttered, abruptly ends the conversation, forcing all divergent parties into silence or even better, agreement. I discovered it the night of October 1. Four simple words that I hope to use up until November 4 (if necessary).
It worked like a charm 30 minutes before the Cubs' wildcard game against the Pittsburgh Pirates. My family had just finished dinner and were collectively clearing the dishes when my daughter popped an innocent question.
"Dad, can you drive me to Morgan's to study?"
"Can't honey," I replied. "The Cubs are on."
"No problem," my wife said. "I'll do it."
Only this time her response was not accompanied by a loud, sarcastic sigh or a "guess I'm the chaperone again" comment. She merely grabbed the car keys and headed out, leaving me to comfortably sink into my easy chair, adjust my Cubs cap and await pregame introductions.
As I write this column, the Chicago Cubs continue to play postseason baseball. And because the ranks of long suffering Cub fans like myself have swelled into the millions, it is imperative Joe Maddon's boys keep winning. Not because the Cubs haven't tasted a World Series victory since, by some accounts, the Hellenistic period, but because we Cub faithful want to milk this can't miss excuse as long as possible.
From the moment the postseason schedule was announced -- and the Cubs' name FINALLY appeared on it -- the phrase, "The Cubs are on" has reigned supreme as my go to response for, well, everything. I've already successfully used it to avoid fall yard clean up, grocery shopping and weekend bill paying. Luckily my wife is not much of a baseball fan; otherwise our children would be losing weight and a line of creditors would be pulling up to our house demanding money, provided they could navigate through waist high weeds and overgrown brush to reach our front door.
The point is, she understands.
She understands the Cubs have a chance this year and nothing, repeat NOTHING, should stop Cub fans from watching our beloved team. We've lived through the 1969 Black Cat curse, the 1984 Leon Durham ground ball debacle, the 2003 Steve Bartman lets-not-even-go-there-anymore fly ball incident, and the knuckleheaded 2008 dumping of holy water in the Cubs dugout prior to their opening round flameout against the Los Angeles Dodgers. After each incident, our TVs and radios soon fell silent. We returned to our normal routines, jealous that fans in other cities were shirking day-to-day duties by saying, "The Giants are on," "The Padres are on," or, weird as it sounds, "The Marlins are on."
If the Cubs continue their march towards a title, it's quite possible "The Cubs are on" excuse could be used to circumvent our nation's laws. The Cubs' bandwagon increases exponentially with every victory so chances are excellent the state trooper, county judge, federal official or accident victim would be very understanding.
"Sorry I was speeding, officer. The Cubs are on."
"You're right buddy. Here's a warning. Hurry home. If you push it to 80, you'll make the first pitch."
"Sorry I didn't pay my quarterly taxes, Mr. IRS man. The Cubs are on."
"I'm emailing you an extension form right now sir. GO CUBBIES!
"Sorry I rear ended your vehicle ma'am. The Cubs are on."
"No worries. That's what insurance is for, right?"
Cub fans know the baseball gods could inflict more cruelty on us. If an Anthony Rizzo game winning home run ball inexplicably collided with a bird flying low over left field and dropped harmlessly into an opponent's glove, we'd understand. But until then, we will park ourselves in front of our flat screens, turn up the volume on our car stereos and demand Muzak in every elevator be replaced with the Cubs broadcast, fervent in our belief that this is the year. WARNING: Approach us with caution and think twice before making any requests.
Our 2024 Coverage Needs You
It's Another Trump-Biden Showdown — And We Need Your Help
The Future Of Democracy Is At Stake
Our 2024 Coverage Needs You
Your Loyalty Means The World To Us
As Americans head to the polls in 2024, the very future of our country is at stake. At HuffPost, we believe that a free press is critical to creating well-informed voters. That's why our journalism is free for everyone, even though other newsrooms retreat behind expensive paywalls.
Our journalists will continue to cover the twists and turns during this historic presidential election. With your help, we'll bring you hard-hitting investigations, well-researched analysis and timely takes you can't find elsewhere. Reporting in this current political climate is a responsibility we do not take lightly, and we thank you for your support.
Contribute as little as $2 to keep our news free for all.
Can't afford to donate? Support HuffPost by creating a free account and log in while you read.
The 2024 election is heating up, and women's rights, health care, voting rights, and the very future of democracy are all at stake. Donald Trump will face Joe Biden in the most consequential vote of our time. And HuffPost will be there, covering every twist and turn. America's future hangs in the balance. Would you consider contributing to support our journalism and keep it free for all during this critical season?
HuffPost believes news should be accessible to everyone, regardless of their ability to pay for it. We rely on readers like you to help fund our work. Any contribution you can make — even as little as $2 — goes directly toward supporting the impactful journalism that we will continue to produce this year. Thank you for being part of our story.
Can't afford to donate? Support HuffPost by creating a free account and log in while you read.
It's official: Donald Trump will face Joe Biden this fall in the presidential election. As we face the most consequential presidential election of our time, HuffPost is committed to bringing you up-to-date, accurate news about the 2024 race. While other outlets have retreated behind paywalls, you can trust our news will stay free.
But we can't do it without your help. Reader funding is one of the key ways we support our newsroom. Would you consider making a donation to help fund our news during this critical time? Your contributions are vital to supporting a free press.
Contribute as little as $2 to keep our journalism free and accessible to all.
Can't afford to donate? Support HuffPost by creating a free account and log in while you read.
As Americans head to the polls in 2024, the very future of our country is at stake. At HuffPost, we believe that a free press is critical to creating well-informed voters. That's why our journalism is free for everyone, even though other newsrooms retreat behind expensive paywalls.
Our journalists will continue to cover the twists and turns during this historic presidential election. With your help, we'll bring you hard-hitting investigations, well-researched analysis and timely takes you can't find elsewhere. Reporting in this current political climate is a responsibility we do not take lightly, and we thank you for your support.
Contribute as little as $2 to keep our news free for all.
Can't afford to donate? Support HuffPost by creating a free account and log in while you read.
Dear HuffPost Reader
Thank you for your past contribution to HuffPost. We are sincerely grateful for readers like you who help us ensure that we can keep our journalism free for everyone.
The stakes are high this year, and our 2024 coverage could use continued support. Would you consider becoming a regular HuffPost contributor?
Dear HuffPost Reader
Thank you for your past contribution to HuffPost. We are sincerely grateful for readers like you who help us ensure that we can keep our journalism free for everyone.
The stakes are high this year, and our 2024 coverage could use continued support. If circumstances have changed since you last contributed, we hope you'll consider contributing to HuffPost once more.
Support HuffPostAlready contributed? Log in to hide these messages.