My daughter sat on her bed, awash in a sea of glossy college brochures filled with photos of smiling sorority girls, strapping football players and freshmen chemistry students who, judging by their joyful expressions, had just cured the Ebola virus.
"Made a decision yet?" I asked.
"This is so hard," she said.
"Choosing a college typically is," I said. "What are the finalists?"
"Well this one," she said, holding up a green and white brochure, "says it's advancing knowledge and transforming lives."
"So go there, "I said. "A little knowledge advancement and life transformation never hurt anybody."
Discarding that and picking up a two-tone blue leaflet, she said, "But this one says 'Start Here, Go Anywhere.'"
"So if I'm transforming lives at this school, will I be able to go anywhere? Or will I be stuck in the same place?"
"Maybe I should consider this one," she said, picking up another brochure. "It says, 'Your Revolution Starts Here.'"
"Take that off your list," I said. "No daughter of mine is going to join a revolution. And tattoos are off limits as well."
"How about, 'Your College, Your Future?'" she said, picking up an armload of pamphlets, reciting the bold-faced taglines and dropping them on the floor one by one. "Open Minds Creating Futures? Reach Within, Shape the Future? Dad, do you think I'd be better at creating the future or shaping it?"
"Why not just join the Army?" I said. "They promise you can 'Be All You Can Be.' That ought to get you a job somewhere."
"Dad, the Army stopped using that slogan in 2001. Now it's, 'Army Strong.'"
"Okay, the Army's out," I said. "Let's get back to that 'shaping the future,' thing."
"See how hard this is?" she said.
"Honey, you're not supposed to pick a college because of a slogan or an ad tagline," I said. "Wherever you choose, you're going to get a good education."
"Unless I go here" she said, scooping up another brochure. This one says, 'A Foundation for Life.' Nothing about education. I could come out of there stupid after four years."
"At least you'll have a foundation," I said.
"Dad, this isn't funny. It's stressful. Plus, I don't even know if these places are going to accept me."
"Then you need to come up with your own campaign," I said. "The only purpose of college marketing slogans is to get your attention and make you wonder what you'll be missing if you go somewhere else. So, when you apply, include a slogan that makes the college want you. Make sense?"
"I can't think of any slogans."
"There are plenty of websites that will create one for you," I said. "Go to slogangenerator.org."
She pulled it up on her Mac. "Now what?"
"Imagine yourself as a product. Describe yourself."
"I'm an undecided high school senior."
I typed those words into the box and clicked "Generate slogan."
"No, you're not," I said. "You're a devoted undecided high school senior maven!"
"It doesn't say that," she said, looking at the screen. "Oh wait, yes it does. I'm trying something else."
I looked over her shoulder as she typed, "Smart volleyball player."
"What's it say?" I asked.
"That I'm a Delighting Smart Volleyball Player Enthusiast."
"What university wouldn't want that?" I said. "I'll bet Harvard and Stanford would roll out the red carpet for you!"
"I'm smart, Dad. I'm not Harvard smart. I didn't get a perfect score on my ACTs."
"Too bad," I said, taking the laptop and typing 'perfect ACT score" into the generator box. "Then you'd be a 'Savvy Perfect ACT Score Purveyor!'"
"Maybe I'll just take a year off and work at Starbucks," she sighed, pushing the brochures away and picking up her iPhone.
"You're going to college, young lady," I said.
"Are you sure?" she said, returning to the slogan generator website. " 'Wicked Starbucks Barista, Bar None' has a nice ring to it."
I sighed heavily, the sound of a "Frustrated Dad."
Or an "Experienced Frustrated Dad Artisan."
(c) 2014 GREG SCHWEM. DISTRIBUTED BY TRIBUNE CONTENT AGENCY, LLC
Our 2024 Coverage Needs You
It's Another Trump-Biden Showdown — And We Need Your Help
The Future Of Democracy Is At Stake
Our 2024 Coverage Needs You
Your Loyalty Means The World To Us
As Americans head to the polls in 2024, the very future of our country is at stake. At HuffPost, we believe that a free press is critical to creating well-informed voters. That's why our journalism is free for everyone, even though other newsrooms retreat behind expensive paywalls.
Our journalists will continue to cover the twists and turns during this historic presidential election. With your help, we'll bring you hard-hitting investigations, well-researched analysis and timely takes you can't find elsewhere. Reporting in this current political climate is a responsibility we do not take lightly, and we thank you for your support.
Contribute as little as $2 to keep our news free for all.
Can't afford to donate? Support HuffPost by creating a free account and log in while you read.
The 2024 election is heating up, and women's rights, health care, voting rights, and the very future of democracy are all at stake. Donald Trump will face Joe Biden in the most consequential vote of our time. And HuffPost will be there, covering every twist and turn. America's future hangs in the balance. Would you consider contributing to support our journalism and keep it free for all during this critical season?
HuffPost believes news should be accessible to everyone, regardless of their ability to pay for it. We rely on readers like you to help fund our work. Any contribution you can make — even as little as $2 — goes directly toward supporting the impactful journalism that we will continue to produce this year. Thank you for being part of our story.
Can't afford to donate? Support HuffPost by creating a free account and log in while you read.
It's official: Donald Trump will face Joe Biden this fall in the presidential election. As we face the most consequential presidential election of our time, HuffPost is committed to bringing you up-to-date, accurate news about the 2024 race. While other outlets have retreated behind paywalls, you can trust our news will stay free.
But we can't do it without your help. Reader funding is one of the key ways we support our newsroom. Would you consider making a donation to help fund our news during this critical time? Your contributions are vital to supporting a free press.
Contribute as little as $2 to keep our journalism free and accessible to all.
Can't afford to donate? Support HuffPost by creating a free account and log in while you read.
As Americans head to the polls in 2024, the very future of our country is at stake. At HuffPost, we believe that a free press is critical to creating well-informed voters. That's why our journalism is free for everyone, even though other newsrooms retreat behind expensive paywalls.
Our journalists will continue to cover the twists and turns during this historic presidential election. With your help, we'll bring you hard-hitting investigations, well-researched analysis and timely takes you can't find elsewhere. Reporting in this current political climate is a responsibility we do not take lightly, and we thank you for your support.
Contribute as little as $2 to keep our news free for all.
Can't afford to donate? Support HuffPost by creating a free account and log in while you read.
Dear HuffPost Reader
Thank you for your past contribution to HuffPost. We are sincerely grateful for readers like you who help us ensure that we can keep our journalism free for everyone.
The stakes are high this year, and our 2024 coverage could use continued support. Would you consider becoming a regular HuffPost contributor?
Dear HuffPost Reader
Thank you for your past contribution to HuffPost. We are sincerely grateful for readers like you who help us ensure that we can keep our journalism free for everyone.
The stakes are high this year, and our 2024 coverage could use continued support. If circumstances have changed since you last contributed, we hope you'll consider contributing to HuffPost once more.
Support HuffPostAlready contributed? Log in to hide these messages.