5 Mistakes I Make In My Marriage

One of the main twelve themes of my happiness project is marriage. For me, as with many people, my marriage is one of the most central elements in my life and my happiness.

When I started my happiness project, and I reflected about the changes I wanted to make -- as well as the resolutions I wanted to keep in order to bring about those changes -- I realized I had five particular problem areas in my marriage. Here they are, along with the strategies I try to use to address them:

1. My demand for gold stars. Oh, how I crave appreciation and recognition! I always want that gold star stuck to my homework. But my husband just isn't very good at handing out gold stars, and that makes me feel angry and unappreciated.

I figured out a good strategy. I used to tell myself I was doing nice things for him -- "He'll be so happy to see that I put all the books away," "He'll be so pleased that I finally got the trunk packed for camp" etc. -- then I'd be mad when he wasn't appreciative. Now I tell myself that I'm doing these things because I want to do them. "Wow, the kitchen cabinets look great!" "I'm so organized to have bought all the supplies in advance!" Because I do things for myself, he doesn't have to notice. This sounds like a more self-centered approach, but it's really much better.

2. Using a snappish tone. I have a very short fuse and become irritable extremely easily -- but my husband really doesn't like it when I snap at him (big surprise). I've done a lot to try to keep my temper in check. I don't let myself get too hungry or too cold (I fall into these states very easily); I try to keep our apartment in reasonable order, because a mess makes me crabby; when he tries to make a joke out of my temper, I try to laugh along; I try to control my voice to keep it light and cheery instead of accusatory and impatient. Confession: I haven't made much headway here.

3. Getting angry about a fixed trait. This is very, very tough. One of the things I've learned from my happiness project is that you can't change anyone but yourself, and while there are some things I'd love to change about my husband, those things aren't going to change. He isn't going to get better about answering my emails. He is going to keep making rich desserts that tempt me. Etc. Instead of getting all worked up, as I often do, I'm trying to remind myself of HOW SMALL his flaws are, in the scheme of things.

4. Score-keeping. I'm a score-keeper, always calculating who has done what. "I cleaned up the kitchen, so you have to run to the store" -- that sort of thing. I've found two ways to try to deal with this tendency.

First, I remind myself of the phenomenon of unconscious over-claiming; i.e., we unconsciously overestimate our contributions or skills relative to other people's. This makes sense, because of course we're far more aware of what we do than what other people do. According to Jonathan Haidt's The Happiness Hypothesis, "when husbands and wives estimate the percentage of housework each does, their estimates total more than 120 percent."

I complain about the time I spend organizing babysitting or paying bills, but I overlook the time my husband spends dealing with our car or food-shopping. It's easy to see that over-claiming leads to resentment and an inflated sense of entitlement. So now when I find myself thinking, "I'm the only one around here who bothers to..." or "Why do I always have to be the one who...?" I remind myself of all the tasks I don't do.

Second, I remind myself of the words of my spiritual master, St. Therese of Lisieux: "When one loves, one does not calculate." That precept is the basis for my 11th Personal Commandment: No calculation.

5. Taking my husband for granted. Just as I find it easily to overlook the chores done by my husband (see #4), it's easy for me to forget to appreciate his many virtues and instead focus on his flaws (see #3). For example, although I find it hard to resist using an irritable tone, my husband almost never speaks harshly, and that's really a wonderful trait. I'm trying to stay alert to all the things I love about him, and let go of my petty annoyances. This is easier said than done.

I've found that working to keep my resolution to Kiss more, hug more, touch more is an effective way to help me stay in loving, appreciative frame of mind.

What are some mistakes you make in your marriage or long-term relationship? Have you found any great strategies for addressing them?

* I had a great time doing an interview with the very funny Rob Sachs of NPR's "What Would Rob Do?" about how to make conversation with strangers (he'd seen my post on that topic).

* I send out short monthly newsletters that highlight the best of the previous month's posts to about 24,000 subscribers. If you'd like to sign up, click here or email me at grubin, then the "at" sign, then gretchenrubin dot com. (sorry about that weird format - trying to to thwart spammers.) Just write "newsletter" in the subject line. It's free.

Comments

[LadyXoc]

Keep on being a nice girl, don't ask for appreciation, or e-mails, or returned favors. See what you get when you're forty-five or fifty.

[TomR]

----
4. Score-keeping. I'm a score-keeper, always calculating who has done what. "I cleaned up the kitchen, so you have to run to the store" -- that sort of thing. I've found two ways to try to deal with this tendency.
----

I found this on the web some years ago:
----
The Keeping Score Trap
If you have a list of He did this/She did that—you are asking for disappointment. The score will never be even and when you try to make it even, you are saying you are better than the other. Usually score keeping is about who did something to make you mad. The scorekeeper is usually the self-righteous one who thinks the other is shirking responsibility…when you are keeping score, you are causing your own suffering.
----

Thoughts precede feelings. If you can control the types of thoughts coming into your head, you will feel happier. Starting off on the wrong foot, scorekeeping immediately puts your relationship into an adversarial or competitive frame.

You both are on the same team, right? You each do your part to help move the ball down the field toward the end zone. Any good thing either of you does helps you toward your goal so you both win. And you keep each other’s best interest in mind, so you don’t keep score.

- Tom

[Pupadup4oBama]

Gretchen, have you been spying on me? I swear I could say most of the things you have mentioned on here.
My husband and I are in a transition period of our lives. It's been hard on both of us...but I am trying harder and harder to step in his shoes...we argue, but I take his messages to heart - especially when I know I'm wrong.
My happiness shouldn't depend on him - I am responsible for that and everything else in my life.
He is my partner in this great journey of life, not my crutch.

[LaurieAnn]

You asked what mistakes your readers have made in their marriages and how they are addressing them, here's my contribution:

1) expecting my husband to protect me from the pain of life. Totally unreasonable, this is just something I deal with in therapy working to continue to accept that life dishes out circumstances no one can control.

2) expecting my husband to understand why I'm cranky at him. If I'm feeling cranky because I'm not being understood I need to explain in non-judgmental terms what's bugging me. Also, I work on owning when I have unreasonable expectations or am angry for reasons that are bigger than the current situation.

3) wanting my husband to communicate with me about problems on my time-frame. I've had to learn not to start in on my worries the minute he gets home from work, or even on the same evening. I've had to learn to wait for his signs that he's open to process type communication. I can tell when he's in a receptive mood and have learned that we enjoy our conversations much more when I wait for those time.

There are other things I have and continue to do wrong from time to time (and perhaps more often than that) but these are the ones that currently come to mind.

There are some things I've done right in my marriage too, but since you didn't ask about that I'll hold my peace.

[Fulcanelli]

Men marry thinking the woman they married won't change and she does...

Women marry thinking the man they married will change and he doesn't...

Hence, the state of marriage.

Excellent post, Mrs. Rubin. I'll be sending this post to my wife's e-mail address to fine tune our great relationship. And as for the angry, disgusted posts from women married to misogynistic, Neanderthal clods, I say this:

I'll give you the benefit of the doubt when you claim your husband is a Prince who turned back into a toad, we all know men like that are everywhere. However, It's hard to believe that behavior wasn't present to some extent right from the beginning of the relationship. So what was different then?

We, as a rule, just don't change back to a toad from a Prince without a really good reason. So what changed? Probably you did. If you treat a man like a toad once you marry, don't be surprised when they act like one. Add slave and emotional wet nurse to the mix and you have a recipe for disaster.

Maybe you might want to do two things. First, ask yourselves: If I go back to being the person I was when we met, will he do the same? Most likely, yes. And if he doesn't? Ditch him. Secondly: If he does change back? Re-read Mrs. Rubin's post daily so you don't screw it up again.

Kevin Grover
Vice-President,
Divorce Resource Center of Rhode Island

[KatarinaNolte]

Where is your authentic self in all this?

[TchoupitoulasCanal]

Goodness..­..it just sounds easier to go to the no-kill shelter and adopt a dog and a cat. Maybe being single isn't so bad after all!

[Shazaam]

Yes, after reading this I'm especially happy and appreciative to be single....

[avicenna]

I was thinking the same thing. Just reading how hard it is to tolerate the idiosyncrasies of another person that you have agreed to share space with (supposedly forever), I broke out into a sweat trying to problem-solve myself out of this self-inflicted angst. At one time it provided a necessary foundation - when this kind of union formed the basis of societal functioning. However, when self-sustenance is possible for everyone, I think cohabitation in marital disharmony is losing its luster. The possible exception would be in the case when the goal is to raise children.

[Malkin71]

Women are allowed to withhold sex from their husbands while also forbidding them from having sex with other women?

Just curious...

Which of her needs is he allowed to not fulfill while also forbidding her from doing so?

[Fulcanelli]

Touche!

[LaurieAnn]

I have never withheld sex from my husband, my personal feeling is that sometimes we do things for our partners that wouldn't be our first choice and sometimes they do the same in return. The only times sex has been off-limits is on doctor's orders, which I do expect my husband to respect because they are to protect my health. When either partner withholds sex from the other as a form of censure it's time for an intervention into how the couple is communicating overall.

[Harold Stone]

-- Women are allowed to withhold sex from their husbands while also forbidding them from having sex with other women?

Hence the story of civilization.

[Waltfl]

Well, since this is the case I want to take this opportunity, and apologize for all the bad things I posted about Larry Craig and Rev. Haggard. I now understand where they were coming from.

[ohBOY1971]

Many of the comments in this thread are very telling. Ladies, contempt only breeds contempt. You married another human being, not a personal servant, ATM machine, and emotional insecurity validation dispenser.

Men have feelings and suffer just as deeply, if not more so, when you hurt them. Most men don't have rabid cheerleading girlfriends to tell them what a jerk YOU are and how insensitive YOU're being. Just because men don't spew their feelings in an endless stream of verbal diarrhea doesn't mean they don't have them.

If men treated women the way many women treat men, it'd be deemed emotional abuse. When men criticize and insult their wives, it's abuse. When women do this to men, they're told they need to be more patient and tolerant of their wives' feelings. It's a double standard.

If you treat a man like he's a mindless automaton whose sole purpose is to serve you, don't be surprised if he shuts down emotionally and doesn't take an interest in the relationship or you. You reap what you sow. Grow up, ladies.

Btw, I'm a woman and when I see other members of my sex dumping on the men they supposedly love it infuriates me.

For more people who share this view, check out these blogs:

http://kamerondkiggins.blogspot.com/2009/06/truth-damned-truth-and-statistics.html

and

http://shrink4men.wordpress.com

[Fulcanelli]

Very true, this! I'll check out those blogs for sure.

[SolarPowerGuy]

Marked as favorite -- and I agree with most of it, except for the "men don't express their feelings" part. This man, at least, knows how to express his feelings, and does.

When my wife and I get into a disagreement, I am careful to take responsibility for my own feelings and insecurities. I use "ownership language" -- I say "I feel" and "sometimes I think" rather than jumping to conclusions, and accusing her of some wrong-doing.

The wife doesn't always seem to appreciate what I say, and sometimes I think her emotions may get in the way of her hearing what I say at all. But no one can accuse me of being the stereotypical male enigma. And I hold out the hope that, ultimately, this is the best way to resolve problems.

[iblogleft]

Here is a rule.

Do not tie unmet needs to sex.

Didn't make me feel good? No sex tonight. Didn't do the laundry, I am mad at you, no sex tonight. Don't agree with me, no sex tonight.

After 13 years of marriage, having sex tied to strings is completely, utterly annoying. Especially when it consistently predictable.

[Fernando]

Amen.

[JMK62]

Absolutely right on! Sex is the glue that keeps us tight. Without it we're just super great friends. But I dont want just a super great friend--I want a partner/companion. I want my soul mate. Withholding sex has punishment is immature and counterintuitive to what all marriage is about.

[JMK62]

Oh, and for the record, I am a woman.

[oregonbird]

Over the last fifty years, women have evolved from the emotion-based, parasitic lives they are periodically forced into by societal pressure (whale-boned corsets, anybody?) and become home and business owners, successful single parents, graduate-level teachers and political figures, writers of the most popular homosexual erotica (that just tickles me) and the reason more socially advanced political parties are emerging from the gloom.

Just in time to watch the frickin' world coming to an end. I mean, who doesn't know the Shadow Masters have piled all the world's money in their underground harem/bomb shelter/disco, and are busily jumping around getting paper cuts and squeaking, "It's mine, it's all mine! What was that big flash of light?"

Skrew the "I am male and cannot adjust my gonads from right to left" cr!@pola. Evolve, or die faster than you thought possible; make the wrong choice, we'll dance on your grave in high-heeled red shoes until your ghost begs for the celebratory macarena to end.
----------­----------­----------­-----

If men could DE-Volve back to Neanderthal they would. Women have successfully changed society to dictate to men how to be men. They insist on playing Tea Set and Doll House and going "shopping" and liking chic flicks.

Men do it to amuse you and keep the peace. They don't like it. Most men revert back to their Neanderthal existence, usually 2- 4 years into a marriage. The woman is flabberghasted.

Reminder : YOU MARRIED A MAN not a woman.

[Stats848]

As Seinfeld stated in one of his episodes, "four years is an awful long time to be married". I am not a fan of leashes (either tied to one or holding one); therefore I am destined to be one of those bachelors-for-life who will never "appreciate" the skanktity of marriage. The best thing that could've happened to me may well have been when my fiance cheated on me eight years ago...

[Val49]

I need a question answered, me and my husband do not communicate, he has just move his 17 year old son in our house, we never had anytype of relationship with him, I did not want him there because in 2007 when he stayed with us for the summer it was HELL my husband belived everything he said, we stop speaking even though we slept in the same bad, he spent all the time with the son, I began to go to invited outhings alone, this went on for 3 months my husband even went as far to say, you can get the F"""" out my son isn't going anywhere. After his son finally gave him his A"" to kiss he went back to his disfuntional mother, Now he's back against my better judgement, he will not bath my house stinks, he would wash the dishes and leave food on the plates and silverware, he have stayed out till 2:30 am he has gotten smart with me and has been very disrespectful, and he's a pathalogical liar and even though my husband now is seeing the child for what he is his dicipline is little to none,what would you do?

[BarackMan]

Take him to the Marine recruiter. Manhood awaits.

[LDS50]

Who raised this kid? Why was your husband not teaching him manners when he was 5? Sounds like the marines may be the best option - get him out of his current crappy life.

[Fernando]

She said they never had any type of relationship with him but by tone of Val's husband I can see a pattern. My suggestion at this point is couple's therapy. If the husband is going to dismiss a legitimate concern in such a crass tone, that says the relationship had been in trouble before this even happened.

[lauraneville]

Why would you stay in a situation like this? It appeared to be past the point of tolerating when he made the comment "You can get the F**out". It would seem that an quick exit might be in order. But then again, this is why I am not married!!

[Anastacia]

I understand your frustration. I'm in a similar situation. What I decided to do was to completely ignore the poor behavior of my 2 stepsons and focus on supporting (emotionally, etc) my husband. Let your husband deal with HIS son. Even though the son lives with you, treat him like an adult and with respect. He is not your son and he is not your problem. This isn't as difficult as it sounds. Just keep telling yourself "He's not MY son, not MY problem" and sooner or later the kid will move out and YOU can live happily ever after with your husband! In the end, your husband will appreciate the HELL his son put you through and appreciate your sacrifice.

The kid is just a teenager. If you love your husband and want your marriage to survive, you have to trust that your husband will do the right thing with HIS son. If he doesn't, that's NOT your problem because he's NOT your son.

This approach has worked for me.

[mlally]

i feel bad for Mr. Rubin

[jeanneyogini]

I think Mr. Rubin is a lucky man to have such a conscientious wife who values inner growth and improving the quality of thier relationsh­ip..

[canadagirl76]

I agree. Far too often, couples want to blame the other person. This is a woman who recognizes her "weaknesses" and is consciously trying to do something about it.
In short, she is taking responsibility for her own actions and doing what she can to make it better. Nothing wrong with that.

[texhall00]

Everyone is different, couples cannot be cookie-cutters and expected the same results. Donald Trump said it best, "They say, marriage is hard, I work hard and don't want to work hard at my marriage," Understand each other and communicating is key. Men don't read minds, don't asume they do. The writer wanted gold stars for her efforts children get gold stars adults give themselves in their own private moments their due. We all want to feel validated. Women should never present themselves "small" because they will get "small".

[skateboy30]

Bottom line is women want recognition and credit and someone to talk to, men just want take care of their responsibilities to be left alone. Which here sounds more high maintenance here?

[Cye]

which sounds the laziest here?

[Molly Porter]

I guess my husband is a woman then.

[oregonbird]

That would so work if men actually took care of their responsibilities. See -- when you are married, fulfilling your partner's feelings and desires ARE part of your responsibilities. Which is one of the reasons women ask questions. Shrug once too often, and the bed goes cold. Oh, and by the way, guys -- learn to make a decent french braid, 'kay?

[stevefromkelso]

I'll learn to make a french braid while you split-n-stack the firewood and change the oil in the car.

[All4ME]

Where is that writtten, oregonbird? I don't think "fulfilling your partners' feelings and desires" is in the standard marriage vows.

I think people ask too much of the marriage relationship these days, but what do I know.