Balanced Life -- Act the Way You Want To Feel

Working on my Happiness Project, and you could have one, too! Everyone's project will look different, but it's the rare person who can't benefit. Join in -- no need to catch up, just jump in right now.

One of the most surprising, and useful, things I've learned from my happiness project is my Third Commandment: Act the way I want to feel.

Although we presume that we act because of the way we feel, in fact, we often feel because of the way we act. More than a century ago, philosopher and psychologist William James described this phenomenon: "Action seems to follow feeling, but really action and feeling go together; and by regulating the action, which is under the more direct control of the will, we can indirectly regulate the feeling, which is not." By acting as if you feel a certain way, you induce that emotion in yourself.

I use this strategy on myself. If I feel shy, I act friendly. If I feel irritated, I act lovingly. This is much harder to do than it sounds, but it's uncannily effective.

Lately, I've been feeling low. I had various justifications for my blue mood, but just last night it occurred to me - maybe it's due to my persistent case of viral conjunctivitis (which has been on my mind a lot).

As a consequence of the conjunctivitis, my eyes well up constantly, and I wipe tears off my face many times through the day. Maybe that's contributing to my feelings of sadness.

It sounds far-fetched - that I feel sad because my eyes are watering as a result of eye inflammation - but I have indeed caught myself wondering, "Why am I feeling so emotional, why am I tearing up?" My mind was searching for an explanation that justified such a tearful response.

Actions, even involuntary actions, influence feelings. Studies show that an artificially induced smile can prompt happier emotions, and an experiment suggests that people who use Botox are less prone to anger, because they can't make angry, frowning faces.

Usually, however, I invoke the act-the-way-I-want-to-feel principle not in the context of involuntary action, like tearful eyes, but in the context of self-regulation. When I'm feeling an unpleasant feeling, I counteract it by behaving the way I wish I felt -- when I feel like yelling at my children, I make a joke; when I feel annoyed with a sales clerk, I start acting chatty.

It really works. When I can make myself do it.

How about you? Have you ever experienced a situation where a change in your actions has changed your emotions?

* The New York City marathon took place recently -- a very big deal for everyone living in New York City. It creates a festive feeling, even when you're not running, or watching the race, or even following it on TV. It's a very happy event. I loved watching this time-lapse video on Gimundo of a single city block during the race.

* I send out short monthly newsletters that highlight the best of the previous month's posts to about 28,000 subscribers. If you'd like to sign up, click here or email me at grubin, then the "at" sign, then gretchenrubin dot com. (sorry about that weird format - trying to to thwart spammers.) Just write "newsletter" in the subject line. It's free.

 

Comments

[Brighid Rose]

I have found this works ALL the time. Of course, what you put into it makes all the difference. But I do know that if I'm feeling short-tempered and irritable, I act gentle and kind and sure enough! Soon I'm not all angry and edgy anymore. I DO believe that people are in complete control of their emotions but so many learn differently. THAT makes for a lot of the rudeness in the world I think. I don't buy it when people say, "I couldn't help my action. I was just feeling so (whatever)." Take a step back, take a breath....and act as you want to feel.

[Eva Lili]

worth a try .....

[klbrz]

This is like the advice my husband gives to some clients in therapy: to think of a person they admire, who seems to have his act together, and make decisions based on what they think that person would do. Would Jennifer Aniston eat this? Would Henry Kissinger watch this much TV? Like you're saying, when they can stick with it, it works. It's just hard to stay focused and disciplined all the time.

[Conk]

Dr. Joe Dispenza talks about this in his great book, How To Evolve The Brain.

[vorpalmusic]

I need Botox! That's it!

[tbone99]

Lets see- a quarter trillion dollar giveaway has been made to Fat Cats on Wall St and soon to Insurance companies as well!

I feel overjoyed and grateful for our generous government .

[celtman]

Maybe I am missing something but what does this comment have to do with the topic of this article?