Faking It...And 9 Other Secrets To A Happier Life

I blog regularly for Real Simple, on Simply Stated, and I was very HAPPY when they asked me to write something for the print magazine. I thought I'd post it here, too.

These aren't necessarily the most essential tips for being happy -- I tried to include strategies that might not otherwise occur to people. So, for example, "helping other people" isn't listed, even though it's one of the best ways of boosting your happiness.

1. Don't start with profundities.
When I began my Happiness Project, I realized pretty quickly that, rather than jumping in with lengthy daily meditation or answering deep questions of self-identity, I should start with the basics, like going to sleep at a decent hour and not letting myself get too hungry. Science backs this up; these two factors have a big impact on happiness.

2. Do let the sun go down on anger.
I had always scrupulously aired every irritation as soon as possible, to make sure I vented all bad feelings before bedtime. Studies show, however, that the notion of anger catharsis is poppycock. Expressing anger related to minor, fleeting annoyances just amplifies bad feelings, while not expressing anger often allows it to dissipate.

3. Fake it till you feel it.
Feelings follow actions. If I'm feeling low, I deliberately act cheery, and I find myself actually feeling happier. If I'm feeling angry at someone, I do something thoughtful for her and my feelings toward her soften. This strategy is uncannily effective.

4. Realize that anything worth doing is worth doing badly.
Challenge and novelty are key elements of happiness. The brain is stimulated by surprise, and successfully dealing with an unexpected situation gives a powerful sense of satisfaction. People who do new things -- learn a game, travel to unfamiliar places -- are happier than people who stick to familiar activities that they already do well. I often remind myself to "Enjoy the fun of failure" and tackle some daunting goal.

5. Don't treat the blues with a "treat."Often the things I choose as "treats" aren't good for me. The pleasure lasts a minute, but then feelings of guilt and loss of control and other negative consequences deepen the lousiness of the day. While it's easy to think, I'll feel good after I have a few glasses of wine...a pint of ice cream...a cigarette...a new pair of jeans, it's worth pausing to ask whether this will truly make things better.

6. Buy some happiness.
Our basic psychological needs include feeling loved, secure, and good at what we do and having a sense of control. Money doesn't automatically fill these requirements, but it sure can help. I've learned to look for ways to spend money to stay in closer contact with my family and friends; to promote my health; to work more efficiently; to eliminate sources of irritation and marital conflict; to support important causes; and to have enlarging experiences. For example, when my sister got married, I splurged on a better digital camera. It was expensive, but it gave me a lot of happiness bang for the buck.

7. Don't insist on the best.
There are two types of decision makers. Satisficers (yes, satisficers) make a decision once their criteria are met. When they find the hotel or the pasta sauce that has the qualities they want, they're satisfied. Maximizers want to make the best possible decision. Even if they see a bicycle or a backpack that meets their requirements, they can't make a decision until they've examined every option. Satisficers tend to be happier than maximizers. Maximizers expend more time and energy reaching decisions, and they're often anxious about their choices. Sometimes good enough is good enough.

8. Exercise to boost energy.
I knew, intellectually, that this worked, but how often have I told myself, "I'm just too tired to go to the gym"? Exercise is one of the most dependable mood-boosters. Even a 10-minute walk can brighten my outlook. Having trouble sticking to your exercise regimen? Here are 12 tips for staying motivated to exercise.

9. Stop nagging.
I knew my nagging wasn't working particularly well, but I figured that if I stopped, my husband would never do a thing around the house. Wrong. If anything, more work got done. Plus, I got a surprisingly big happiness boost from quitting nagging. I hadn't realized how shrewish and angry I had felt as a result of speaking like that. I replaced nagging with the following persuasive tools: wordless hints (for example, leaving a new lightbulb on the counter); using just one word (saying "Milk!" instead of talking on and on); not insisting that something be done on my schedule; and, most effective of all, doing a task myself. Why did I get to set the assignments? I found it hard to give up nagging--in fact, I came up with 19 strategies to try to cure myself of the nagging habit.

10. Take action.
Some people assume happiness is mostly a matter of inborn temperament: You're born an Eeyore or a Tigger, and that's that. Although it's true that genetics play a big role, about 40 percent of your happiness level is within your control. Taking time to reflect, and conscious steps to make your life happier, really does work.

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Interested in starting your own Happiness Project? If you'd like to take a look at Gretchen Rubin's personal Resolutions Chart, for inspiration, just email her at grubin, then the "at" sign, then gretchenrubin dot com. No need to write anything more than "Resolutions Chart" in the subject line.

Comments

[AZBunny]

"Some people assume happiness is mostly a matter of inborn temperament: You're born an Eeyore or a Tigger, and that's that. Although it's true that genetics play a big role, about 40 percent of your happiness level is within your control."

How about learned un-happiness. My mother is a constant complainer. NOTHING is ever as it should be and it seems the only thing that makes her happy is having something to complain about. My older siblings are also the same way so I grew up in a household with almost constant doom and gloom.
As a consequence it is very hard for me to not do the same thing. I have to remind myself all the time about the good things.

[thesimulacra]

"Maximizers expend more time and energy reaching decisions, and they're often anxious about their choices."

So far as I can tell, that seems more correlation than causation. People who are naturally more anxious about their choices are going to be much more likely to be Maximizers in the first place. So of course they're also going to be more anxious about their decisions after they made them; after all, the anxiety doesn't just go away.

Otherwise, it's a great list. I've actually implemented a lot of these changes in my own life over the last two years, and saw a small amount of success. But after I still felt like my progress was limited, I saw a therapist who prescribed me a low-dosage of an antidepressant, and the combination of lifestyle/philosophical changes and the slight boost from the medication has combined to make me as happy as I've ever been in my life. The important part though is to follow the medication up with these kinds of changes, otherwise it's not really going to work.

[OtayPanky]

Gretchen Rubin: I found it hard to give up nagging--in fact, I came up with 19 strategies to try to cure myself of the nagging habit.

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19? Wow! How's that working out for you?

Do any of them address nagging yourself?