How To Forgive An Accident

I'm working on my Happiness Project, and you could have one, too! Everyone's project will look different, but it's the rare person who can't benefit. Join in -- no need to catch up, just jump in right now. Each Friday's post will help you think about your own happiness project.

One of my happiness-project resolutions is to "Forgive an accident." Now, you might think, why should I try to forgive an accident? After all, if something is an accident, there's nothing to forgive. Accidents happen, we all know that.

Yes, I know that. Accidents happen. But I still find it hard not to be annoyed - and to act annoyed - in the face of certain accidents. Reminding myself of my resolution helps me to respond in the right way.

Here are just two examples:

1. When we were flying to Kansas City to spend Christmas with my parents, my daughter lost her "functional appliance." If you're not current with the latest parlance of orthodontia, this is like a fancy retainer. My daughter is supposed to wear it at all times, except when she's eating. We were on the plane, she took it out to eat, and the next time she looked for it, it was gone. We all looked, couldn't find it. We think it must've been thrown away when the stewardess took her food tray.

I was annoyed: she wouldn't be able to wear this thing again until we were back in New York and had managed to replace it; getting a new one would be expensive; it would be inconvenient.

2. Recently, my husband left his wallet in a cab. The second he reached the sidewalk, he realized he didn't have his wallet, and he raced down the street to stop the cab, but it was gone. He waited anxiously for two days before he had to admit to himself that it really wasn't coming back. Before that, however, we had to cancel our credit cards.

I was annoyed: we'd put a lot of recurrent and online charges on one of the lost cards, so that number had to replaced many times, by me.

In each situation, I could feel the accident-causer bracing against my possible annoyance, and it was very, very hard to resist the temptation to say things like, "You should've been more careful!" "Now we're going to have all this hassle to fix this!" "How could you have not noticed that you didn't know where it was?" etc. But I realized - what was the point? My daughter felt terrible, my husband felt terrible. In general, they're both very responsible (my daughter had never lost her F.A. before, and my husband had never lost a wallet before). They obviously hadn't done these things on purpose. Why make a bad situation worse?

In each case, once the moment passed, I was very glad that I reacted mildly. (I even came up with a good idea about credit cards: now we have a card that never leaves the house that we use for online charges.) When you're feeling bad about something you've done, it's awful when someone adds to that feeling - you feel defensive, resentful, and misunderstood. I didn't want to cause that.

Also, one of my Personal Commandments is to Act the way I want to feel; although we think we act because of the way we feel, in fact, we often feel because of the way we act. By acting calm and forgiving, I help myself to feel calm and forgiving, instead of annoyed.

The resolution would be more accurately phrased as "Let go of an accident" or "Forget an accident" but somehow I need the little extra kick supplied by the word "forgive."

How about you? Have you ever felt tempted to react harshly to something someone did, even though it was an accident?

* I loved this little video on Gimundo -- especially because I've been thinking a lot lately about how to use photographs to keep happiness-project resolutions like "Take time for projects" and "Be a treasure house of happy memories." The Black Lake Island project and Taking tourist photos of my own romance, for example, both use photographs.

* I send out short monthly newsletters that highlight the best of the previous month's posts to about 24,000 subscribers. If you'd like to sign up, click here or email me at grubin, then the "at" sign, then gretchenrubin dot com. (sorry about that weird format - trying to to thwart spammers.) Just write "newsletter" in the subject line. It's free.

Comments

[JillJackson]

I would like to thank all the compassionate readers who sent kind words my way regarding my daughter and our family. Your support and best wishes help make the tough days bearable and are a testament to the humanity that we often lose sight of in the world. There are, for us, good days, too. Perhaps forgiveness of my daughter's doctor may be difficult, but acceptance of the situation and striving for optimism is certainly possible and worth striving for. As far as losing a wallet, or other small frustration, my family always had a saying,: it's just paying your dues to the god of small misfortune so he leaves you alone on the big ones. Thanks again to all, Jill

[laughpuppy]

Well, ideas for self improvement are always welcome by me. Practicing being mindful of how you
think and act has to start somewhere. There is some quibbling about semantics because the
author put the words 'forgive' and 'accident' in the title. Perhaps that resulted unintentionally in
attracting some who have had profound 'accidents' in their lives. People searching to learn to
forgive are usually tormented. I can understand an acerbic response from those who are in pain,
and suffering such as Jill. I can only hope for relief for herself and her daughter, in any way possible.
This article was very obviously not intended to address life altering tragedy, and the author even
included a caveat for her use of the word 'forgive'. Malkin71, your judgemental tone speaks to the very same self centeredness that you comment on about others. If you place this article in the context
in which it is offered, there would be no need to rank it as "trivial". Lighten up...forgi­ve the author
having a little free license with semantics. The intent is what matters.

[Nightngle]

Some of these accidents aren't really accidents as much as they are about not being mindful and aware. While it's good to forgive accidents, it's also good to learn from our mistakes and to be mindful as we do each task. Multi-tasking is a myth that damages us in many ways - accidents being at the top of that list. It really doesn't take any more time to do one thing at a time, since doing each task well prevents having to do things over or fixing accidents. After all, if you don't have time to do it right the first time, where are you going to find the time to do it over?

[ibivi]

These days people are much too busy. There is too much stimuli and we don't take the time to slow ourselves down and recharge. We are also quick to anger when accidents happen and chastise each other. Focusing on what you are doing enhances the experience and keeps your mind alert. Mindfulness will make things better and reduce negative feelings. We need to reinforce our bonds to our loved ones to make everyone strong.

[canfemlib]

To keep my kids from driving me nuts, whenever they did something irritating­/frustrati­ng etc, I would say (place name of child here), you're behaving like a (place age of child here) year old! When your two year old is behaving like a two year old, and your sixteen year old is in fact behaving exactly like a sixteen year old will, then that's just the way it should be, so take it a little easier!

[MerhabaAbi]

Hi canfemlib, (Canadian Feminist Liberationist?)

CQUMB! I didn't actually LOL, but I did Chuckle Quietly Under My Breath. I used to say, "sometimes you act just like a little kid", when my sons were little kids. I guess I used it to remind me that their behavior was just fine. I should have read your comment before they went through the teen-age years, the technique might have saved all three of us from some grief.

Have a blast,
little brother

[saami]

Forgiveness heals the one who forgives. Both benefit but the one who forgives gains the freedom of not dragging the anger and bitternesss around like an albatross around their neck. Being perpetually angry at someone is like taking poison and hoping they will die.

[calimom123]

My husband was killed in a DWI crash just short of two years ago, leaving a 14 month old, 5 year old and 14 year old as well as myself. As hard as it is, and as much as driving drunk can be considered a selfish and unfathomable act, I've worked hard to work to forgive the other driver (who is now serving a prison sentence) Hate and rage can consume you.

Not to trash the blogger here, but lost wallets and retainers can really seem like pretty small potatoes in light of all the horrible things that can happen in this life. Be happy those are your biggest problems and try to work on being someone who does not inspire fear in their own family members for committing the human act of misplacing important items.

[Malkin71]

An inablility to forgive an accident speaks to extreme self-centeredness.

It means that you don't feel you should have to be burdened by other's mistakes.

Patting yourself on the back for doing so...revea­ls other things....

[whateverlolawants]

I wouldn't call this post a back-pat. She's just using real-life examples of how you put a principle into play. If it didn't work for her, would it be worth sharing?

[Dacktyl]

Wow. This is so weird. I also starting a blog about happiness. It seems like a lot of people have had the same idea at the same time - sometimes this happens when the world really needs it. I think a lot of people need to choose happiness these days. Check out my writings on happiness at http://www.fandha.com.

[roblabrousse]

Sweetheart ever been to the self help section of your bookstore? Happiness is an eternal. subject for people. And you're surprised there are blogs on it???? Don't cover up your self-promotion with that act.

[Dacktyl]

I wasn't acting Sweetheart.

[lungfish]

I was constantly berated by a now-ex for things that happened that were obviously not intentional. She had a habit of criticizing me and if things went wrong she sought to blame me constantly. I am an open person. I acknowledge my mistakes and I do my best to mitigate them. So when she was raging at me it wore on my confidence and destroyed my comfort and trust with her. She could flip out anywhere about anything. And when she was at the heart of the problem, and she often was, she didn't say a thing.
Her favorite way of making up was to call me later and blurt out a lame "sorry things were so rough" without ever confronting her behavior or actually letting me confront it.. If I still had residual feelings she was ready to fight some more.
In her life there were no mistakes, no accidents. Everything that happened was taken personally and it ALWAYS called for an attack. She went through so many friends and contacts that, by the end, I hadn't had a friendly interaction in years and worse, I didn't bother even going to the store for fear of being abused. I was isolated..­.
My point in this whole thing is that it is so, so important to get a handle on forgiveness. Failure to do so doesn't just ruin your life, it really messes with the lives of those around you...

[roblabrousse]

In your case, you might throw self-worth in there too !!

[fcsakes]

I have no problem forgiving accidents. What I have a problem with is forgiving me, and not for accidents.

[lungfish]

My biggest problem is forgiving people when I should be holding them accountable and purging them from my life. I have caught people in the act of violating me with theft, etc and never even said anything and continued to be victimized. That is just as bad.... You have to manage your boundaries and control negatives as well as yourself.

[Bude]

The best way I know is to hire a good lawyer.

[Gary Kuebler]

Jill you are an amazing woman and the living expression of LOVE in action. Your post though acerbic in tone conveys to me a great depth of sadness behind the anger of your words. You are strength, you are courage, you are inspiration and this is the truth of who you are. No one knows the suffering and the struggle that you and your family has endured and I would like to acknowledge you for choosing love and loving your daughter just as she is. I humbly submit this thought for your consideration, is there a possibility of something shifting in your family's life? Things get easier, your daughter smiles more, perhaps even something happens that others might decry "it's a miracle"! Could it all start with letting go of those that wronged you? Resentment is like taking poison and hoping the other person will die. As you free your self you will be amazed at how you will free all those who are in your life. Just a thought. Sending lots of love to you and your daughter right now.

[JillJackson]

I just diapered my daughter. Despite my care, I got poop on my hands again--I wash, but it's so hard to get rid of the smell. But, I forgive her. It was an accident. Her diaper leaked, and, well, poop happens, right? Oh, did I forget to mention she was 18? Forgive me. I've haven’t forgiven the university faculty obstetrician that missed the clot in my placenta that resulted in my genetically normal daughter having oxygen deprivation in utero and brain damage. Or for reading her weight on the sonogram at 36 weeks as 6 pounds—when she was born the next day at only 3 pounds 13 ounces. Or for avoiding us those first terrifying days in the hospital, then dashing in to discharge me saying he had to see his lawyer. Or for hiding behind an arbitration agreement that prevented us from filing a jury suit. Or for misdiagnosing a serious, high-risk condition that could have resulted in a better outcome with the right interventions. And, for never asking our forgiveness. I really should, I know, but you see, it's so hard, when my hands smell like poop, and my beautiful, sweet daughter doesn't walk or talk. No. Some accidents cannot be forgiven. I cannot replace my daughter's wounded brain with a couple of hundred dollars. All I can do is give her a loving hug when she sees me and smiles. And keep her bottom clean and dry. So she'll forgive me.

[jcwtts1]

I don't think she meant that kind of accident.

Toothpaste. It is my experience that rubbing your hands with toothpaste alleviates the smell of most things. Wash your hands, dry them, then wash them again with toothpaste instead of soap, then dry them again. If this doesn't work, try soaking them in a solution of water and vanilla.

Peace and Love,

J

[Gnrshrtd]

jcwtts1, you're an angel. The simplicity of your post shows your compassion and understanding. I'm sitting here, fighting back tears for Jill.

I went through almost the same thing for two years (that ended with my husbands death), and every day I experienced the inescapable grief and loss that I hear in the voice of Jill's post. I don't think the author intended to get into such deep feelings, but since its out there, my sympathies lie with Jill, and I can only wish her strength and express my admiration for her devotion to her daughter.

[redplanet]

Absolutely right. You do not have to forgive, especially not in your case. The forgiveness industry has gotten out of hand. Forgiveness is a gift we choose to give when we have decided it is the right thing to do. But it is our choice. People earn forgiveness, it should not be handed out like candy to the undeserving.

But it may be coming back to reality. I see no one forgiving Madoff. That includes Elie Wiesel.

The story here is not about forgiveness as much as the writer's ability to control her emotions when life's frustrations occur. My kids lost so many things including those appliances talked about. I just shrug and say, "It's in the cosmic lost and found now."

You're a good mom and I'm glad you posted to bring a reality check to this position. I posted because of your daughter. I want to be back up for her mom.

[saami]

Forgiveness is a gift given without expectation. You are rewarded with inner peace. I am not some new ager, just someone who has forgiven a serious offence and the peace I got continues to astound me. Remember Peace begins with me.

[brandnewstuff]

I concur with illinoisan- Intentional acts are no accident- that takes premediation
example- Bernie Madoff that was no accident- Than man only care after malice aforethought.

[illinoisan]

If it's an accident, there's nothing to forgive. Forgiveness is for intentional acts or gross negligence.

If you can't get over an accident, then it's you who needs forgiving.

[ForRichardorPoorer]

Exactly...­..........­......spot on!

[whoknew---]

Thank you for that thought.

You said it best.

[SamKnause]

You stated that beautifully. My son died in an auto accident. Two cars involved. My son was driving one with a friend. The other auto driven by their best friend. The friend tried to pass the auto my son was driving. He nudged my sons car and it hit a culvert, flipped and hit a huge utility pole. My son and his passenger died. Their friend though I would hate him, and he said he wanted to die. I told him my son didn't want him to die, his friend didn't want him to die, and I didn't want him to die. He could not understand why I didn't hate him. It was an accident. No alcohol, no drugs involved, no speeding involved. I can't imagine what that boy saw when he looked into my son's auto and seen both of his friends dead. My hate would have only made it worse.

[Hollywooddeed]

Beautiful, Sam. Thanks for posting that.

[Malkin71]

THAT is real forgiveness. Sorry for your loss.

I don't know how many would be able to have your understanding in your shoes.

I doubt I would.

It makes writing an article about how you "forgave" people losing a few items seem quite trivial.