Seven Ways To Tell If You're Boring Someone

In one of my favorite movies, a quirky documentary called Sherman's March, the documentary maker's former high school teacher tells him, "As people get older, they get more like themselves. And you're getting more boring." I've never forgotten that.

Like most people, probably, I have several pet subjects that I love to talk about - subjects that are sometimes interesting to other people, and sometimes not. Don't get me started on happiness, or obesity, or children's literature, or Winston Churchill, unless you really want to talk about it. (I do manage to be very disciplined about not talking about my children too much.)

I've developed a list of signs to look for, as indicators that I might be boring someone. Just because a person isn't actually walking away or changing the subject doesn't mean that that person is genuinely engaged in a conversation. One challenge is that the more socially adept a person is, the better he or she is at hiding boredom. It's a rare person, however, who can truly look fascinated while stifling a yawn.

Here are the factors I watch, when trying to figure out if I'm connecting with someone. These are utterly unscientific - I'm sure someone has made a proper study of this, but these are just my observations (mostly from noting how I behave when I'm bored and trying to hide it):

1. Repeated, perfunctory responses. A person who says, "Oh really? Oh really? That's interesting. Oh really?" is probably not too engaged.

2. Simple questions. People who are bored ask simple questions. "When did you move?" "Where did you go?" People who are interested ask more complicated questions that show curiosity, not mere politeness.

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3. Interruption. Although it sounds rude, interruption is actually a good sign, I think. It means a person is bursting to say something, and that shows interest. Similiarly...

4. Request for clarification. A person who is sincerely interested in what you're saying will need you to elaborate or to explain. "What does that term mean?" "When exactly did that happen?" "Back up and tell me what happened first" are the kinds of questions that show that someone is trying closely to follow what you're saying.

5. Imbalance of talking time. I suspect that many people fondly suppose that they usually do eighty percent of the talking in a conversation because people find them fascinating. Sometimes, it's true, a discussion involves a huge download of information desired by the listener; that's a very satisfying kind of conversation. In general, though, people who are interested in a subject have things to say themselves; they want to add their own opinions, information, and experiences. If they aren't doing that, they probably just want the conversation to end faster.

6. Body position. People with a good connection generally turn fully to face each other. A person who is partially turned away isn't fully embracing the conversation.

Along the same lines, if you're a speaker trying to figure out if an audience is interested in what you're saying:

7. Audience posture. Back in 1885, Sir Francis Galton wrote a paper in 1885 called "The Measurement of Fidget." He determined that people slouch and lean when bored, so a speaker can measure the boredom of an audience by seeing how far from vertically upright they are. Also, attentive people fidget less; bored people fidget more. An audience that's upright and still is interested, while an audience that's horizontal and squirmy is bored.

I often remind myself of La Rochefoucauld's observation, "We are always bored by those whom we bore." If I'm bored, there's a good chance the other person may be bored, too. Time to find a different subject.

Have you figured out any ways to tell if you're boring someone?

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If you'd like to read more about happiness, check out Gretchen's daily blog, The Happiness Project, or sign up for her monthly newsletter.

Comments

[dadw5boys]

If they have to read about how to tell if they bore someone they really don't care if they do !

[hollyo]

One sure way NOT to bore is to be truly interested in the other person.
Curious people are seldom bored or boring.

[coldshot]

Anyone who comments on an article like this one is obviously boring.
I mean besides me, I'm not boring. Everyone but me is boring.

[InternationalObserver]

LOL! We even have a Facebook group for people who are not boring "In Real Life I'm Much More Exciting And Have NO Time For Facebook".

http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=35898345766

[marlovian]

I've mastered all of these techniques, and I have invented several others which are far better, and I would be happy to elaborate at length upon them, and it might have been better if I had been consulted in the writing of this article. Not that it's bad for what it is. JMHO.

[RobinSeattle]

You mentioned 1885 twice in the same sentence. Redundancy is very boring. *lol

[richcpl]

Couldn't finish this piece. Too boring.

[dctackett]

if only more people would understand these things... I hate getting stuck with someone who is boring and won't shut up, and follows you around...
my wife has a friend that always calls her to talk about her favorite subject... herself... and it's always the same thing... she doesn't even ask how my wife is... when we got back from our vacation in Paris, she called her right away to tell her the latest and never once even asked how the trip was... I can look at my wife when she finally gets off the call and tell her basically what her friend said, and I'm usualy right.

[martymartymarty]

That quote from La Rochefoucauld is very chewy food for thought! Seems very true.

[HeevenSteven]

Even worse is, the person who says, "Oh really? Oh really?" at obviously wrong times.