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The Osama Diaries

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Dear Diary:

Another ho-hum day in the sticks. I'm going out of my skull with boredom. The lack of internet access is killing me. No Blackberry, no iPhone, I can't even check the golf scores. A couple years ago I used to Google myself a couple times a day, just to make sure that my people were getting the name out there, raising brand consciousness. For all I know the public's forgotten me and gone for younger terrorist masterminds. I mean, we can't all hang in the public eye forever, though George Clooney seems to have aged gracefully. Maybe I should move to supporting roles in the next terrorist attack, or team up with a buddy like Brad Pitt.

(Note: Stock up on "Just for Terrorists" beard dye.")

Just this morning Wife #3 (Note: find out her name) was giving me what-for because I haven't lead a jihad lately. She didn't even crack a smile when I started singing "It Jihad to Be You." It turns out that she heard me use the same shtick on Wife #2 (Mindy? Mandy?).

Then Wife #5 (Jasmine... I think that's it, because I sing "All that Jasmine" to remember her name) told me that she's sick of being stuck on the second floor of the compound. I tell her it could be worse -- she could be buried under the compound. No laugh. None of these gals appreciate my sense of humor. They just roll their eyes. At least I assume they are. Who can tell inside a burka?

As for my international terrorist organization, what a bunch of duds. The Shoe Bomber. I was embarrassed to be associated with that guy. He seems to have gotten his ideas from watching MacGyver. And no one listens to me. I've been telling my henchmen that they need to stop just going after airplanes and to attack commuter trains. If that works, I want them to put out a fatwa on tandem bicycles, paddle boats and the surrey with the fringe on top.

Maybe it's time to leave Pakistan and get back in the swing of things. The problem is that I bought this compound at the top of the market and will get killed if I try to sell it now. (Again, no internet is such a pain. I wish I could just check Zillow for some comps.)

That's enough for now. It's getting late and I just picked up a new batch of DVDs from the Going Out of Business Sale at Abbottabad Blockbuster. Say what you will about the Great Satan, I have a soft spot for Jim Carrey's Liar Liar. That guy can act.

Odd, I think I hear someone at the door. Who the hell comes calling at this time of....