Tiger Woods has been tearing up the fairways at the Masters this week, but his first and toughest challenge was getting through a press conference. Tiger aced it, if only because no new waitresses popped up during the questioning to say that Tiger had made sweet, sweet love to them in the parking lot of a Waffle House.
My favorite magazine, People, didn't just watch the press conference, they hired body-language expert Patti Wood, author of Success Signals: Understanding Body Language to interpret what Tiger was thinking and feeling. I watched the same press conference and came to to some different conclusions.
• At the beginning of the press conference, Tiger wiped his sweaty brow
Expert: Tiger, fresh off the heels of a nasty sex scandal, can barely deal with the pressure.
Me: Tiger is wondering if he has enough Ambien and condoms for the Masters After-Party and will Gary Player cock block yet another menage trois?
• Tone of voice when he spoke
Expert: His voice was very high and his eyes were very wide, too, which shows stress.
Me: He's keeping his eyes open because he just saw his wife Elin grabbing a nine-iron and taking a practice swing at his head.
• Shoulders rising when asked if he did steroids
Expert: Tiger looks confident and believable.
Me: It's not the shoulders she should be looking at when it comes to steroids, it's the shrunken testicles.
• Taking a sip of his sports drink during a question about media coverage:
Expert: Tiger coughed and put his hand over his mouth. Which says it didn't go down well and he wanted to cough up how horrible it was.
Me: Tiger started choking when he realized how many millions he lost when Gatorade dumped his endorsement deal.
• Smiling while talking about golf:
Expert: This is what really makes him joyful.
Me: The cute reporter from ESPN gave him her phone number.
As for the final body language clue: Tiger has a giant erection. You figure it out.
Follow Guy Nicolucci on Twitter: www.twitter.com/Nicolucci1899
Kathlyn and Gay Hendricks: Tiger's Big Question: Did You Learn Anything?
In his recent Nike commercial, a stone-faced Tiger Woods stares into the camera as he listens to the voice of his late father, Earl. The commercial closes with the question, "Did you learn anything?"
Loading comments… 
