7 Common College Application Answers, Translated

05/28/2015 11:59 am ET | Updated May 28, 2016

This guide was created to commemorate the thousands of thick (and dismally thin) envelopes that have been flying out from colleges across the country, for the past few weeks. What exactly did all of those essays, scores and activities mean?

1. The Common App:
"President and CEO of Technological Connection Assistance Company" = I helped my grandparents make Facebook accounts so they would stop asking me if I was in a relationship. Unfortunately, they do not understand the social implications of reviving embarrassing middle school era posts that proclaim my penchant for "lms for a tbh" posts and awkward selfies.

2. Essays:
"I am a young entrepreneur and endeavored to erect my own agricultural maintenance company, moving past the obstacles that threatened to demolish my business. My experiences taught me the value of indefatigable perseverance and unflinching endurance. " = I mowed my aunt's lawn once to fulfill high school community service requirements. Sometimes, her dog tried to bite me. I learned that grass cutting gives me a terrible bout of eczema and lawns are capable of disguising an impressive population of mosquitoes and anthills.

3. Transcript:
"AP Biology, AP European History, AP Spanish, AP French, AP Silbo Gomero, AP..." = I am a self-characterized "AP Junkie," adding every single advanced placement class imaginable to my schedule due to insistence from family members and counselors. (How am I supposed to get into medical school without taking AP Chemistry?!).

Doing so also grants me more "street cred" in the academic world, enhancing the shock value that ensues when I begin to list all my APs (though I could honestly care less about the evolution of cell communication or the role of alienation in Dostoyevsky's Crime and Punishment.)

4. Interviews:
"Here's my transcript, resume, birth certificate, social security information..." = I didn't prepare at all for my interview and hope a surplus of black print will compensate for my mediocre answers. I also hope my purposefully ill-fitting silver suit will scream a combination of brute ambition and humility, with the college T-shirt underneath indicating my high-spirited and down-to-earth nature. With so many competitive applicants, one can never come off as too desperate.

5. Standardized Testing:
"SAT: 2380" = I sacrificed my personal, social, family and internet life so I could receive a score that would boost my application, but more importantly, so my parents could brag about it at their parties. I can proudly say that I know more about circle geometry and parallel structure than I'll ever know about properly filling a dishwasher.

6. Extracurriculars:
"Captain of Squash Team" = Captain... and only member. Since I didn't have an emotionally riveting backstory to explain my less than 4.0 GPA, I thought "improvising" on my activities section would help me better appeal to the "holistic" admissions process. At the very least, I won't be criticized so harshly the next time I create a "Chance Me" thread on College Confidential.

7. Miscellaneous:
"I have submitted an art portfolio" = I'm really desperate so here are some pictures of sketches I completed in Intro to Art and I know they're kind of terrible but JUST ACCEPT ME, YOU FOOLS.

Remember: In the end, it's all BS-bogus sensationalization.

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