Most of my life was spent, in an effort to protect myself, in a prison of my own making.
It wasn't a case of physically locking myself away -- I was sociable, had friends and in a long term relationship. If asked to describe me, people would most likely have said I was happy, confident, positive and very much in control. Admired for my strong will and determination, that was the person I had become very good at portraying. Not because I wanted to be better than anyone else but because I was afraid of being seen as incapable or weak.
Hidden was the part of me that sometimes woke crying for no reason at all, who would stand in front of the mirror criticizing the reflection that looked back at her and who often felt overwhelmed,anxious and sad about how her life had turned out, then guilty for feeling that way.
Striving for perfection had become a way of feeling in control, lessening my anxiety and also the bars of my prison.
I was the woman who couldn't bare to break the rules of her diet -- if I did it would be in secret and unhappy night time binges. I ran marathons injured and threw away my medals because I didn't think I was quick enough. Wanting to be seen as the perfect friend, daughter, employee and Mum, life was a never ending cycle of not feeling good enough. When I had a miscarriage seven months after my first daughter was born I cried once for a couple of hours and then never spoke of it again. Not because I didn't care but because I wanted to show I was strong and not make a fuss. Friends and family would often say I was too hard on myself -- a conversation I refused to engage in. Vulnerability, then, in my mind equalled weakness. That belief made for a lonely life and although I often felt close to opening up, my thoughts, fears and inner critic would always pull me back.
It was finally in 2015 when events left me struggling to come to terms with the fact that my controlling behavior around food and exercise was destroying my life. Also facing the failure of my business and exhausted by twenty five years of trying to be perfect I gave up trying. Allowing myself to exist as a flawed human being was one of the first acts of kindness I ever showed myself. At a crossroads I chose to walk headfirst into fear and began writing an honest blog as I tried to change how I felt about myself and my life.
From then on vulnerability became key to living the truth rather than existing in a lie.
I discovered how amazing life can be when you are comfortable in your own skin and the power of being a friend to yourself. There are still days I struggle and on those days even though the fear of appearing weak can strike again, I make myself write about it. And each time I do I'm reminded that we are all the more amazing because of not despite our struggles and failings.
It's all too easy in this world to hunt for joy in perfection -- in how we look and what we have -- but it doesn't live there. It is already within us and waiting to be set free.
To keep up with Hannah Lilly as she continues to find and share ways to live a fulfilling and joy filled life, plus two free gifts of two stories from her book 20 Beautiful Women and the daily joy triggers that you can begin following now click on the link below.
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