Why is the world so creepy? Why do we have to endure an endless sea of creepy people on Craigslist looking to have you as their potential roommate? The crazy rents in SF force us to stomach living with people we'd normally wouldn't even make direct eye-contact with.
But, why, why, why most people be so deplorable when it comes to having an affordable place to live? Here are a few Craigslist Roommate Wanted ads that will keep you up at night -- simply look for the red flags:
$900 My perfect roommate (dreamlandia)
Are you them? Do you have any of the following traits?
- Never home? great cause I'm a homebody and I dont like feeling judged for not "getting out there."
- Never use the kitchen? Good cause you never f*cking clean up after yourself when you do.
- Work nights and weekends? Perfect I'm a 9-5 and I dont really wanna see you -- even in passing.
- No pets? I already got one lazy bitch around here I dont need another one suckin the bottom outta her alpo cans.
- No Furniture? Good you couldnt fit it into my house anyway -yes its fully furnished no you cant put your sisters boyfriends shitty art in the living room or the hall or fuckin anywhere really.
- Computer geek -- great please do stay in your room drinking mountain dew eating take out and playing WOW and Secound Life till 4 in the morning - headphones on please I dont wanna hear your weird cyber furry sex shit.
- So yeah if this is you -- and I know you're out there -- drop me a line I'm great roommate.
My Take: Is this guy going for the world's record of as many red flags he can raise in a single Craigslist ad? I don't know if swearing in your Craigslist ad really help your case that you're a good roommate. It's almost like someone dared him to write the worst Craigslist roommate ad ever.
$640 Room of Doom in Lower Haight
The room was recently vacated by a bike riding hipster dirtbag that had a fondness for stinky cheese, alcohol and LOUD sex. This previous tenant reports hearing strange voices in this room and waking up several times at 3 in morning and either seeing a shadowy figure at the foot of the bed or faces staring in the viewless window. Is the room haunted by sinister spirits of the past or was our previous roommate a total lying tard face? The only way you can find out is if you come and live in the ROOM OF DOOM!!!!!!!
1. (Male) Satanic black metal musician that eats bland foods and has a strange collection of salt.
2. (Female) Bipolar Vietnamese refugee that coughs without covering her mouth.
3. (Male) Alcoholic Irish transient that puts beer in EVERYTHING he cooks.
You: You must know how to operate a toilet and enjoy doing so.
Also I should mention that the room is above a bar and it can be loud. Tolerance for noise is a plus although this is the quietest room in the house (when the ghosts aren't screaming bloody murder at you). No Pets unless it is a parrot!
My Take: A room of doom located in a house from Hell sounds really appealing. Why not move in and let yourself be the guinea pig to determine if your room is haunted. Perhaps the room is haunted by your alcoholic Irish roommate, the bipolar woman, or satanic black metal musician? Upside: you're allowed to have a parrot as a pet.
Free Room -- Please Read
Hi i have a room im offering for free NO charge, I know you are thinking nothing in life is free and its true nothing in life is....
I would like to find someone between the age of 18 to 21 Female mature please, and clean, as well as friendly... Now before you jump to conclutions im NOT asking for Sex,drugs,love or anything close or even related to that...its nothing stupid or perverted please note that what you are reading is not a scam or a predator im offering this room for free,and there is a reason a small catch that i will mention when i talk to you wether by email or text/phone... I honestly dont think its a big deal or anything bad that will disturbe you from going on in your daily life...If you are someone in need it will be better because i will know im doing a good deed... Please text/call if you would like to hear the reasonable catch....
My Take: One man's reasonable catch is another woman's frantic call for 9-1-1. What the hell do you think is the reasonable catch that can't speakith thy name in an ad? Are animals involved, or midgets, for the free room for NO charge?
$295 Snuggle Partner
Seeking female conservative to share Master Bedroom. Hot tub. Must not snore. Non-smoker. No criminal record. No exceptions. Honest sweet woman only. Wanna save money? This is the only solution I can come up with. Tough economy ~ this is the answer. No whackos please. serious efforts only. Pillow talk no extra charge, but you should be able to hold a connversation about things because that's part of the deal. Snuggling may lead to friendship and LTR. Good hygiene a must and keep toenails clipped. Spooning okay. Interview required -x- because this cannot be just any woman wandering around. I'm 52, you should be within 10 years either way. Trial period of one night to one week after which we decide if it's a go. This is no joke. Maybe it's not so crazy. I'm not looking for sex, just getting tired of paying taxes and the heating bill and every other bill that's coming in my mailbox . Meet first for coffee to discuss this ludicrous offer. If we're a fit, why not. Convince me why it could work.. Give it some thought and send me an email. We can discuss...
My Take: You know what? This might not be a bad deal. Hell, you could just give it a try for a night or a week and see if it works out with this 52 year old stranger. No sex is attached and there's that spooning-optional clause that you can always fall back on. Let's discuss!
$100 Den for Rent for attractive, open minded female
I have a den for rent in my apartment. It doesn't have a door, but its still your own space. I am looking for an attractive girl who'd move in. Please be ok with nudity and sex. I'm 30, attractive and just looking for a cute girl for some eye candy! Nothing more ... no sex trade expected.
My Take: Is $100 a month rent worth the price to be "eye candy"? Would you always want to be eye candy 24/7 in your door-less den room? (Did he take the door out to facilitate the eye-candy-experience? No sex trade "expected." Yes, but I'm sure your new roommate will keep asking. Nightmare.
$1 Negotiable room for rent in a nice house
I'm a divorced male looking for a unique living situation! I am offering reduced rent for an attractive, open minded and friendly female. You will have your own room, and acccess to the rest of the house (kitchen, living room, family room, etc.)
No sex implied! But please be mindful that I'm not opposed to it! I would never come on to you so you don't need to feel violated or anything. Just trying to have a little fun and have a cool roommate to hang out with. Shoot me an email if you're interested and pics would help. Include your age, occupation, and contact info. Rent is negotiable. I'm interested in clean, neat, attractive females who are fun and need a place to stay.
My Take: Yes, this new potential roommate will never come on to you -- except in his Craigslist ad. Just bare in mind his creepy sexual tension will always be there on the surface. Hurrah! Rent is negotiable -- very, very creepy. Nightmare.
Have you had a Craigslist Roommate Nightmare? Psychos? Passive-aggressive neat freaks? Please, please, please share and let us know!
Come see Harmon Leon perform on December 9th/9pm @ Viracocha
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