Birthers, are you disappointed that the White House is going to release the Baby Obama Birth Certificate? Don't worry. The conspiracies and lies are much bigger than you even imagined.
Just consider the possibilities:
1. House Majority Leader Eric Cantor... Chicago Mayor Rahm Emanuel... New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg... Are they so different from each other? Haven't you read The Elders of Zion?
2. Glenn Beck... Mitt Romney... Nothing in common? Or both carrying out the Grand Mormon Plan?
3. Justices Roberts, Kennedy, Scalia, Thomas, Alito, Sotomayor... A victory for the Vatican?
4. Michelle Bachmann... Why is her knowledge of U.S. history so screwy? Maybe, we should ask her if she can name the winner of the 1943 World Series??? After all, her husband has a German name.
5. Sarah Palin... Didn't she say something about being able to see Russia from her house? Exaggeration -- or a childhood memory of life in the Soviet Union?
6. John McCain... What really happened in North Vietnam? How else are we to explain a stand-up guy like him selecting Sarah Palin as his running mate in 2008?
7. House Speaker John Boehner... Often tearful, right? Is he just a sensitive and emotional man -- or might it be a faulty brain implant left over from the days of the Cold War?
8. Donald Trump... Did someone whisper "The Mob"??? How else could he have broken into the gaming casino industry so easily, you say. Naaah. Better question is, what is he hiding under that hair of his?
9. Hillary Clinton.... Hmmm.... All that time in Arkansas.... Blew the effort to secure universal health care back in 1993... Now Secretary of State... Taking orders from WAL-MART, perhaps?
10. President Barack Obama... Kenyan birth? Indonesian birth? Forget it! Think again. All that time spent growing up in Hawaii in the 1970s... Surrounded by all those Japanese Americans and Japanese tourists... Was it not just the time when Japan itself was starting to threaten to economically outpace the United States?
So, you ask: Who is running all of these agents and moles? No need to wonder. I figured that out too. Remember Pinky and the Brain? Remember what Pinky asked at the end of every episode? That's right: "Gee, Brain, What are we going to do tonight?" And remember Brain's reply? "The same thing we do every night, Pinky. Try to take over the world." You thought Brain was joking? Not at all. Plus, I bet you didn't know who the Brain really was -- or, actually, is... Newt Gingrich, of course! He's got a PhD and he writes a lot of books. An intellectual, he is. Sounds like the perfect cover.