By now, most of us are familiar with the story of the 11-year-old girl who was raped by 19 young men. The story gets worse: this little girl, who was gang-raped, has become the target of victim blaming. A TV anchor quoted one of the rapists, who defended himself by saying, "She looked older than 11."
Then came a statement from the victim's father, who said, "She may look older than 11, but she still has the mind of a child."
It doesn't really matter what her father said, because he shouldn't have had to be on the defensive. I still cannot fathom how these men could even attempt to blame her, but I know that in reality, victim blaming is an all-too-common reaction in cases of sexual assault.
Many sexual assault victims who comment on my articles too often state that their family and friends do not support their admissions of rape, because they know their rapist. For some reason, people often invalidate rape victims because they find the fact that their rapist was an ex-partner, friend or family member unbelievable. They could not be more wrong.
Healing from sexual assault is very difficult, especially when your friends and family not only invalidate your claims but blame you for being raped. Victim blaming, however, is a huge part of our culture. I'm sure you've heard these all-too-classic lines, probably more than once:
Through speaking with many other victims of sexual assault, it has become evident that in general, experiencing a rape is something others often refuse to validate. This is especially true in the case of acquaintance rape, as well as being raped by an ex, a current partner or a family member. Many people are quick to scoff at these types of "rape" claims.
Why is it that people are often more apt to take up arms against the rape victim rather than the rapist? Is it because they have never experienced the pain and humiliation of sexual assault and therefore can't possibly understand how a rape could happen between a person and their partner, spouse, co-worker or relative? Perhaps they place the blame on the victim because they didn't fight back? This doesn't make it any less of a rape than if the victim had violently protested. It is hard for most people to imagine the fear that rape victims experience when they are isolated and then sexually assaulted. It is especially confusing when you are raped by someone you know and trusted. Acquaintance rape happens more often than you think.
It is time to put an end to the biggest rape myth of all time. The rape myth I am talking about is that of the scary monster in the alley, because that is what many people think of when they hear the term "rapist." Although there are many violent and random rapes that happen both inside and outside the home, the fact is that 84 percent of rapes are executed by someone the victim knows. In fact, according to the Office of Crime Victims Advocacy, "Most of the time a person is raped by someone they know, trust, or love."
The scary monster in the alley is a convenient myth because the truth is much scarier. Assuming a rape cannot possibly occur between friends, colleagues or family members is on par with how most children define the term "stranger." In elementary school, when we learned about stranger danger, our teacher tricked us by asking if a dangerous stranger always looks mean and scary.
"Of course they do!" We vigorously shook our little heads in unison.
Clearly anticipating this response, she told us we were wrong and reminded us that a dangerous stranger can look nice and even friendly. This is often the same for rapists.
For most people, it is generally hard to accept that a person they spent many Christmas dinners with, or someone who came to their Fourth of July picnics, had the capacity to commit one of the most heinous crimes known to humankind. It is a fact that most victims know their rapists, and the discomfort a person may experience when learning that a person they know has committed a rape is no reason to invalidate the victim.
If someone tells you they've been sexually assaulted, there are a few things you can do:
You can read the original post and other articles at HayleysComments.com.
Follow Hayley Rose Horzepa on Twitter: www.twitter.com/HRoseStudios
the detective involved told me it didn't matter that I was attacked. the DSS agent who came to talk to our family told me "it was irrelevant that I was attacked" this process took over 5 months which I spent my time crying and feeling abused by the system.
the attacker who got off without a punishment. I'm the victim of the attacker, police & DSS. the government that's supposed to protect me told me my life doesn't matter and was irrelevant. I'm having trouble finding the will to live. how can anyone live in a world where people can get off by blaming their victims?
I try hard every day just to be stable for my wife and kids who've been so supportive. I still cry everyday. being a victim of 3 different things is harder than just 1.
I don't feel like justice was done and I especially don't feel that either agent should keep their jobs, they are heartless monsters that will haunt my nightmares forever.
(their names are Detective Tracy A. Galis & DSS Agent
Another is the Hofstra girl who said she was gang raped and then revealed it was group sex she didn't want her BF to get upset about.
Blaming the victim is not correct but (1) first you have to see if there is a victim and (2) telling women steps they can take to try and better avoid assault is not blaming the victim but being smart. I would tell a person not to walk down the worst neigbhborhood at 2 am holding a thousand dollars in his hands. Similarly, there are steps women can take to reduce their chances of being assaulted. and should take. and many do take. Like say, not getting so drunk you can't function or defend yourself. Too many victims do this, as one example.
I think women should be able to walk down the street in their bra and panties if they want and not be raped.
On the drunken date rape thing - here is my question - if they are both drunk, why does the male go to prison?
One in three American females is raped. Half of the rape victims are age 17 or under; and half of those are under the age of 12. The numbers lead to the inexorable conclusion that a lot of men prey on women and children. The reason rape continues to exist is because the so-called good men tolerate Rape Culture and are not serious about stopping the sexual abuse of women and children. So-called good men continue to consume the porn that perpetuates the myth that women want rape or bring it on themselves or lie about it.
Men believe that they have a right to sex and are willing to lie or hit or cause pain or use force to get it. Many men believe even that they have a right to buy women's bodies for sex.
There can never be real equality or ecstatic tenderness or intimacy between the sexes as long as there is rape. Rape means terror and women live in a constant state of terror and vulnerability to male violence.
1/3 women are not raped. that is a false statistic.
and you constantly use the word "men" when you mean a minority of men. It would be like saying "women lie about being sexually assaulted" when it is some women.
I was ready to lead the lynch mob but my friends shocked and infuriated me by asking questions instead of taking up pitchforks. They wanted to know if she was drinking, if she had done anything to lead the guy on. They wanted to call the guy and ask his side of the story, and even after he admitted over the phone that he KNEW the girl was passed out drunk he "wasnt' sure where things went wrong" because they fooled around earlier and she told him he would have to get a condom. Sorry, but when she passed out any previous implied consent is null and void... My friends, including the boyfriend, disagree wiht me. They say maybe she was just drunk enough to have forgotten she gave consent.
Having been assaulted at a young age, and taken advantage of in later years... I can find no forgiveness or excuse for the man... and I'm not so sure how I feel about my friends after this conversation. I'm especially not sure how I feel about the boyfriend's contributions.
My first instinct was to check on the girl, not ask what she did to invite it.
The comments of your friend and boyfriend indicate that they have completely bought into Rape Culture and Porn Culture and the ongoing domestic war on women.
It is important to understand more about rapists. Do men only rape women who dress provocatively and wear makeup? Do men only rape women who are drunk or who flirt too much or otherwise ask for it? There are millions of children today that are depicted in child pornography being raped by adults -- did they all ask for it? Were they wearing makeup, dressed provocatively or otherwise asking for it? How can we protect children from their own parents who do this to them? These are discussions that need to be aired in public. Thanks for letting me share.
"When so many female respondents think that a person who is raped after willingly getting into bed with an assailant is responsible for the attack, and 23% of UK women (compared with 3% of men) are said to be sexually assaulted as adults" - The Guardian
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/8515592.stm
I wish people would stop doing this. If you've going to cite statistics, link to them. Otherwise it sounds like you made something up because it was convenient to whatever point you want to make. I have a hard time there is even such a thing as "statistics on victim blaming".
I highly suggest you find a counseling center in your area and call one a rape counseling hotlines. It helps to talk to someone directly because they can help you decide the best course of action. Check out this link (also listed in the article above)
http://centers.rainn.org/
I wish you the best on your healing journey,
Hayley
This article misses one of the tactical issues with rape. Most rapes are not stranger rapes and many are he-said, she-said. How do we devise a better legal system to deal with those issues?
I also wonder: Should someone accused of rape (but was found not-guilty) be somehow blacklisted or something by society? Who then decides what is a credible accusation?
Of course, reality doesn't work that way.
Victims often blame themselves, and for the same reason. Bad luck, like lightning, really can strike more than once. Some people can't live with the terror--it is easier to blame themselves.
But, once again, reality doen't work this way.