Motherhood didn't hit me right away. It was exhilarating yet not quite real when I felt the first kicks in my belly...exciting yet hazy during our monthly sonograms and birthing classes. Not even after delivery, as I stared at two tiny bassinets wondering how the heck I was supposed to feed two wailing newborns at the same time, did I truly feel like a MOM.
No, my revelation occurred on a stifling summer day four months later as I scanned the aisles of my supermarket in the middle of the afternoon. There I was, looking lovely with my unwashed hair in a ponytail, wearing the only pants I owned that fit, loading up my shopping cart with the usual diapers, wipes, and monster cans of Similac. Somehow amid the elevator music and the glare of the fluorescent lights, the funk of sleep deprivation and raging hormones fell away and the stark reality hit me. Like a truck.
This is NOT what I signed up for.
I had planned to get my body back in six weeks, get the adorable new babies to sleep through the night by 10 weeks and go back to my career without missing a beat. No one told me that along with the miraculous blessing of new life and love, that I would feel so off my game. Admittedly, my husband's new job in a new city perhaps compounded the situation. Regardless, there I was in the middle of a heat wave in Los Angeles trying to figure out what the hell happened to the person I used to be...and feeling guilty, guilty, guilty.
Thankfully, that particular moment passed and I made it through the checkout line without a public meltdown. I went home to relieve the babysitter and tried to enjoy our afternoon of tummy time, dinner and a bath in the kitchen sink.
How I got from that day to my current state of mind is a much longer story. But suffice it to say, I took it one day at a time. Baby steps, if you will.
Along the way, as I started to research what would ultimately become my website, www.thewellmom.com.
I discovered that I was not alone in my shame for feeling a bit deflated by some of the banal realities and responsibilities of motherhood. I was horrified that I wasn't overflowing with joy (!) 24 hours a day. Isn't that what being a new mom is all about?
The answer is a resounding no, according to family therapists and psychologists I have interviewed in recent months. That shell-shocked, overwhelmed feeling affects up to 80% of women after giving birth, according to Mental Health America, the nation's leading mental health advocacy organization. And it is different from the clinical postpartum depression that affects 10-20% of women. But new moms are more apt to hear about mood disorders requiring medical intervention than the normal angst and insecurities that stem from the transition to motherhood.
Kate Kripke, a San Francisco social worker and mother to an 8-month-old daughter, told me recently that society needs do a better job of encouraging expectant mothers to emotionally and physically prepare for the identity shift. She runs Wellness Strategies, a life coaching business devoted entirely to helping moms brave the big leap.
"Being curious about the transition rather than judgmental is the key," Kripke says, "The tendency is for women to say, 'Wait this isn't me - I'm supposed to be this type of mom'... and beat themselves up about it."
So instead of beating yourself up (been there done that) here are some ideas from thewellmom.com that may help you or someone you know combat some of those down days that come with the miracle of bringing a new life into the world.
The Well Mom Guide to Braving The Big Transition
1. You ARE different and it's OKAY.
This week, on thewellmom.com, writer Carol Kaufmann shares one of her secrets to weathering the big motherhood shift. She finds peace in a very unusual place: her bedroom closet.
2. Let Go By Not Letting Yourself Go
The main point of thewellmom.com is to remind fellow moms to take time for you. Getting dressed in the morning can be stressful when your life and your waistline are in flux. On thewellmom.com this week, fashion blogger and mom of two Tammy Gibson, offers some quick tips to blend career wardrobe basics into new kid-friendly lifestyles.
3. The Feeling is Temporary
Sometimes a simple phrase can help you move through a particularly stressful or frustrating situation. Two psychologists who happen to be moms say reciting "mommy mantras" can really help. "The feeling is temporary" is one that I've used from their book, Mommy Mantras: Affirmations and Insights to Keep You From Losing Your Mind. You can learn more about the mantras on thewellmom.com.
4. Get Connected
Whether it is a formal mommy group, a planned outing with some old friends or signing up for a group like Big City Moms in NYC or in my case, the West LA Parents of Multiples, make it your business to seek out support. Everyone else needs it. Why not you?
So, how do I know I've made some progress in my own mom transition? Well, "tushie down" is now a regular phrase in my vocabulary. I can change a diaper anywhere, anytime under any circumstances. I can run through the airport with a screaming child covered in vomit and not be the least bit phased that I can't find a place to change her. I can comfort a baby with a high fever and not completely freak out because I'm the one who's scared. And, yes, a year and half after giving birth, it helps that I finally tossed out those elastic-waist running pants I was wearing at the supermarket on that fateful day. Most revealing though, is that whenever I hear a little voice--any voice--call "Mommy!" I instinctively turn and look. I can't help it. I finally feel like a mother. And I wouldn't have it any other way.
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