You Can't Have It All (At The Same Time)

It was the epitome of modern motherhood. Snow delayed my flight to New York and I was scrambling to find out whether I would be able to catch another. With the cordless phone pressed to one ear, my cell phone on the other, I struggled to figure out my arrangements while my daughter clamored for another blueberry waffle and my son tugged at my bathrobe. As a mom in pursuit of wellness, I have written about the goal of "being present" in each distinct realm of my life. But at this particular moment, all I could do was laugh. Sometimes it's just not possible.

The morning got me thinking about how despite our best intentions; it's really tough to keep parts of our lives from colliding once in a while.

I recently had the privilege of chatting with Laura Stack, otherwise known as, "The Productivity Pro." The mom of three is a time management guru who counsels companies including, Microsoft, IBM, KPMG, Cisco, Sunoco, Nationwide, and Nestle. Even the woman who coaches others on organization admits she had trouble balancing everything once she hit motherhood.

But the realization didn't hit her until she missed a major milestone in her 14-month-old daughter's life.

"I was out of town on a business trip...and found out from our nanny that my daughter had walked (for the first time)," she recalls of the pivotal moment that forced her to switch gears.

By the time Stack realized she needed to focus more on the home front, she says it was too late to save her marriage.

Suddenly, she found herself a single mother to a toddler and looking for work that didn't require any travel. But instead of giving up her dreams of speaking to audiences worldwide, she altered her short-term goals to fit her new situation. Stack honed a "laser beam" focus on drumming up business within driving distance of her home in Denver, Colorado. It was a counterintuitive decision for someone with aspirations to go global. But she decided she was going through a certain "season" of life and that eventually, she would be in a position to expand.

"I knew my daughter was only going to be two years old once. I knew I had time to be famous later," she says.

Eventually, Stack did remarry and had two more children. And by the time she did, her reputation as an expert speaker on time management was taking off. Her husband became an integral part of the business and today he often stays home with the children so Stack can travel far and wide to speak to corporate audiences about being more productive.

I love the idea of approaching the work-life balance as a season. Just because you shift gears for a little while doesn't mean you are losing ground or off the radar or that your skills are not as sharp as they always were.

I know, I know. In many demanding professions, downshifting or taking some time off or saying no to out of town travel doesn't seem like an option. It's tough to wrap your mind around the idea when you've been charging ahead for years turning your professional aspirations reality - or when you are the primary breadwinner.

I think we all agree that employers need to do more to retain off-ramping women and to make the work environment more family friendly. But I do think that it also requires an attitude shift on our end as women and as mothers in that at some point we do have to make some choices. I guess what I am saying is that now that I'm a mother myself, "having it all" at THE SAME TIME doesn't seem so feasible - at least when the kids are still in diapers.

I asked Stack for her advice to other moms trying to navigate this complicated, guilt-ridden part of motherhood and their feelings of "losing time" when faced with scaling back work to accommodate personal priorities.

"You have to think of it as, I'm not losing time - I am just changing focus," she says

Stack says the key is being honest about what one can really handle.

"I see so many women trying to wedge themselves into a job that doesn't fit...They don't know when to make adjustments...Too many women hang in there under the auspices of bravery for too long," she told me."

This week on The Well Mom, we feature a few of Stack's timesavers for the holiday season. And of course, while you are navigating all of the challeges of balancing work and family, you've got to make time to laugh. Check out columnist Carol Kaufmann's take on "Your Own Personal Daily Show." Be well this week. And if you or someone you know needs to be pampered, please sign up for our weekly email and register to win a free gift set from vedaMAMA skincare.

Check back here every Wednesday for more tips from Heather Cabot on how to be a happy and healthy mom.

Comments

[Trilby]

My own experience with managing life stages did not turn out that well. I stayed at home with my kids when they were little because I couldn't imagine a hired person or daycare could raise them as well as I could. And I am glad I did! Those were some of the happiest years of my life. Back then, my husband and I ran our own retail business-- he did the legwork, and I did a lot from home, like ordering merchandise and all the accounting. When the kids got older and I needed a paycheck, guess what! I had no resume to speak of. By necessity I took several jobs that finally led me to a position that I absolutely HATE (paralegal). Now I am stuck. I think you take a huge risk that after you raise your own kids you may NOT end up with a satisfying career/profession to move onto, many years after male colleagues started their careers. But still, I loved raising my children. I wish I could do it again.

[mandycat]

When have any of us ever read an article aimed at men who are experiencing difficulties in "having it all?" Apparently in 2007 men still have the power to decide how much of the total load they'll carry and women are obliged to adjust around their male partners' decisions. (And feel guilty no matter which route they take.)

[Pandu]

I can't understand why supposedly sane women would want to sacrifice so much of the miracle of motherhood to join the rat-race.

[loril]

It is refreshing to hear someone say out loud that you are not a total loser if you do not have the temperment to juggle all kinds of roles and live on 4 hours of sleep each night. I am probably over-sensitive, but our culture keeps giving me the feeling that, if I admit that something is "too much" I am either lazy or incompetent.

I realized about 2 months into my maternity leave that I was not cut out for the "doing it all" role. Fortunately, I put off having a child until I was in a position to shift gears. I know this will never be an option for some.

I am happy at home right now. In my personal case, we enjoy a more organized home life and my husband and daughter don't have to live with a woman who is always frazzled, exhausted and crabby.

However, I always get the nagging feeling that I am only doing "half my job" because I am not also holding down a job outside the home. It has become an inferiority complex of sorts...But, in the end -- for me -- (I would never speak for other women) I cannot regret my decision to put my limited energies into my family right now. Thinking of this stage as a "stage" instead of a permanent state that can never be altered makes a dramatic decision (to stay at home full time after almost 15 years in the workforce) somewhat less dramatic.