I was on line at a store buying myself a toaster when I realized just that morning I'd gone online to buy my friend a coffee maker off of her wedding registry and the only reason I was providing the credit card in both cases was because I had not yet found the love of my life.
Come to think of it, I've been here before. I've bought sheets for couples who already live together and have sheets, just not with as high a thread count as they want now that they're making it official. I've bought second bridesmaids dresses for the same remarrying bride. And yet, I still have a futon for a couch.
I'm not bitter by any means. I love celebrating love. But economically I'm not sure the wedding industry is keeping up with the times, and frankly, it's the guests who have no choice but to pay dearly for it.
The archaic wedding traditions that we're still living by were handy when couples were racing to the altar right out of their parents' house. Women had showers because they didn't own anything, didn't have an income, and had to set up a kitchen. Men had bachelor parties because they were young and virtually inexperienced. Let's face it: women wore white for a reason.
But since then women put down the aprons and went to work. Divorce hit an all-time high and as kids we watched the institution of marriage do a 180. Now, we develop our careers first and family second, rather than as a team like our parents did. This means staying single longer and taking care of ourselves (and our expenses, and our homes, and our toasters) sometimes for decades. We grew up in a land of pre-nups, second marriages, DNA testing, talk shows, sexually transmitted diseases, and socially acceptable therapy. Meanwhile, Disney just announced they're doing a line of Princess-themed wedding gowns.
Tradition by definition (or Disney, apparently) doesn't change. But the rules of love have. We're no longer looking to fill roles and create a perfect picture. We're looking for someone we can grow with, someone who compliments all that we already are... and all that we already own. Shouldn't the modern wedding and all of its customs reflect that? More importantly, if the rules of marriage have changed so drastically that you don't even have to stay married, shouldn't they for the guests?
Here's my proposal:
- Engagement Parties should be Engagement Garage Sales. Since the bride and groom have been living on their own and maybe one or both is getting remarried, they're coming together with two households full of stuff and need to get rid of the things they have double of. At the Engagement Garage Sale they'd treat their friends and loved ones to a loot-filled giveaway in celebration of their newly found abundance.
- Bridal Showers should be Breakup Showers and should be thrown for men, too. Does it take Carrie's shoes being stolen at a bridal shower on Sex and the City to make us consider the notion of a Single Shower? After a move or a job loss, that's when a person needs support in the form of friends and groceries. Showers shouldn't come when a person has finally found love, but when they've lost it. A Breakup Shower would happen when you need it most, and if belongings were lost in the split, what you need most might be a new DVD collection.
- Bachelor Parties should be Bachelor Again Parties and come after the divorce. Unlike years ago, men are marrying later and, if they chose to, already had years of sex and strip clubs. One last hurrah before the wedding often creates anxiety and tension for the bride, whereas one more hurrah after the divorce is a great way to kick-off a newly single life. If the divorce was caused by a man's infidelity, he should forfeit his Bachelor Again Party and pay for her Bachelorette Again Party which should consist of her spending the day -- and night -- with real firemen.
- Second Guesting should be rewarded. Second weddings should offer refunds (or at least a gift credit) to guests for the value of the gift given at the first one, especially if Guest then listened to complaints about said Marriage and offered hours of advice. Furthermore, if someone in your immediate family gets married a second time before you have a first, you should get to take their honeymoon to regroup.
- Prenuptual Agreements should include a Prenuptual Guarantee. If a prenup can so soberly be drawn up before the wedding shouldn't you and your gift be in it? And shouldn't you get your gift back to return -- or enjoy -- when all is said and done?
- The Bridesmaids Dress is a Bridesmaids Mess and the time has come for a bridesmaids dress revolution. These one-time-wear dresses cost $100-$1200 not to mention alterations and, if the bride requires, matching dyed shoes. No matter what anyone says, you cannot wear a bridesmaids dress again, especially, ridiculously enough, to another wedding. I have been in weddings where truly modern brides allowed me to wear a dress I already had, one bride contributed toward the purchase of her selected dress, and one bought it outright for me because she didn't want me to get the one with a different neckline on eBay for $17. How about an on-line bridesmaids dress exchange that would work like eBay but for bridesmaids dresses called what-A-racket? Or how about the Drexedo, a formal black dress that can be bought once and re-worn?
- The Wedding (Hardly-A) Party. If you're fortunate enough to be in The Wedding Party, it may be just that: a fortune. Although it is an honor, it's like being at an exclusive dinner at the mercy of whoever orders the most expensive item on the menu. Worth it for the relationship but even if you only had the side salad you're still going to have to split the bill evenly. And unlike those pricy dinners, an invitation to be in someone's wedding party is nearly impossible to say no to, even for those in debt, without health insurance, or unemployed. The Maid of Honor and Best Man should be responsible for drawing up a total budget and each member of the wedding party should pay a percentage of their earnings. Later, when you need help moving, tell the bride and groom you've chosen them as your "Friends of Honor."
- Let's talk about Out-Of-Town Weddings. It's relatively new that friends and families live in different parts of the country, so most times this is necessary. But for those who choose to tie the knot other than where they've ever lived before, let's face it: it's an expensive vacation. In either case there should be special packages including discounted airfare, nearly free rental car, hotels that don't require a stay longer than one night, and a complimentary toaster upon arrival.
- Baby Showers are appropriate for single parents who don't have anything. Otherwise, they should be Baby-Fundraisers for costly fertility treatments.
- The Wedding Ceremony should be called The Closing Ceremony since there have been numerous events before this one. Now, since the guests aren't the only ones stressed and strapped for cash, for the bride and groom I propose that weddings should be celebrated like funerals (without the grief, of course.) Everyone wears a classy, non- questionable black anything; a gift of flowers or a donation to a charity is meaningful; and people could make heartfelt eulogy-like speeches honoring the couple. Afterwards, since many couples can't get time off work, the honeymoon could be like a Jewish Shiva that offers plenty of food and a week of evening guests visiting the couple for personal time and wedding recaps. Then the couple will cherish their life together when everyone finally leaves. No Macarena. No Electric Slide. Couples can use the money they've saved to pay off debt or start their child's college fund. For that matter, couples should be able to set up an account and ask for deposits. Or, register for things they really need like business supplies and birth control. At the same time, guests can save their money for the house warming gifts they'll be asked for soon.
- You know what actually should be celebrated like a wedding? A funeral, (also allowing for grief, of course). Include an open bar and a DJ playing requests during a very difficult time -- as we've seen in indie movies, pain is more tolerable with a soundtrack. Get expensive gifts for the grieving especially things they'll need now that they've lost a loved one. There'd be magazines with checklists and advice about what to do and how to handle things. A videographer allows people to say a final goodbye. Rather than it being a one-time show of support, over the next year, the funeral would be accompanied by a series of supportive events equivalent to an engagement party, bachelor/ette party, and bridal shower. A year later a honeymoon-like trip for a widow or widower to get away from it all could provide tranquility, mai-tais, and a new start. And finally (!) we'd get rid of the bouquet toss because no one would want to be next.