As We Are

I don't remember the day that I was taught to fear God, but I do know that I was taught. Maybe it was in being forced to go to religious education classes once a week to learn about God, Jesus and the Saints in order to receive Communion and not go to hell.

In my most formidable years of molding, I was indoctrinated with a lot of teachings about who God was, what He wanted, and what would happen if we didn't do it. For example, I was taught that while God was "unconditional love," the not-so-fine print stated that there were also a lot of conditions to meet before you could receive that love. I was also taught that while we have free will to do as we please, if we did "wrong," God would punish us with everlasting torment and damnation. What's so free about that? That's like having a gun to your head and hearing, "You can do what you want, but if you don't comply with what I say, then I'm going to blow your brains out." The out was Confession, where, because you couldn't go to God directly, you confessed your darkest secrets to a middleman, called a "priest." You could be forgiven for almost anything with a prescribed Act of Contrition, or a Hail Mary, or an Our Father -- so long as you said them the prescribed amount of times.

Also, I didn't understand how we could be born "bad." If we were made in the image and likeness of God, then wouldn't we also be perfect, given that God is perfect? Well, no, I was taught, because of Eve. Eve sinned, and thus, I was also taught in one fell swoop that knowledge is the root of all evil, as is curiosity, and let's not forget being naked. Or women. Also, it's important to know that God can hold on to resentment for a really long time. But then Jesus came and saved us all. Except only if we believe in Him because He is truly the only way to get to God -- unless, of course, you don't repent for your sins, or you question the teachings of the Church, or use birth control, or masturbate (that really screwed me up), or hurt God's feelings by using His name in vain, or eat meat on Friday (until that rule was changed), or have sex before marriage... the list goes on and on. Oh, and also, you definitely can't be gay.

This last one didn't really faze me until I was about 11 years old. I had just started filming Welcome to the Dollhouse, and with that, I met -- or should I say, became aware of -- gay people. Now, I had always been attracted to women, but I could never put a name to it until that summer of 1994. Here I met a quite a few people who were gay, and were out, and for the first time I had a name for the feelings that I was having, a new sense of identity, and with that, panic, fear and, ultimately, utter rebellion.

When I finished Dollhouse I was back at school and those religious education classes. In class that year was a woman who was our teacher, and she shall remain nameless. I don't remember when exactly it came up, or how exactly it did, but what I do remember was this: she had stated boldly, "God sent AIDS to gay people to punish them for their sins." I was aghast. I was shocked. I was sickened. That couldn't be true; it simply couldn't. She was talking about my friends. She was talking about me. Right there, I made a decision: if this was God, then I wanted no part of it.

For years I struggled with the fear that maybe they were right and that I was going to go to hell. From that stemmed a lot of dates I forced myself to go on with boys, who, while attractive enough, didn't pique my interest at all. There were the make-out sessions, the feel-ups and the numbness that would creep over me. However, there were also a lot of people who came into my life who started to open my mind to a different way of looking at things. I was introduced to the possibility of reincarnation via Many Lives, Many Masters, as well as the idea that everything was energy, and that we were all connected. I started going to the library and reading books that spoke of a very different God, Universe, Divine Intelligence, Goddess, etc. Thus began the start of my spiritual journey. I got to recognize that I could have my own relationship and experience, that I didn't need to believe as my parents did.

I also found out that at least for me, there isn't any "right way" to God, Universe, what have you. It's what's right for me. And what's right for me today might not be right for me tomorrow. And what's right for me might not be right for you, and that's OK. We each get that gift to unwrap as we see fit, whenever, if ever.

If there is one thing I wish for people, it is to recognize that we all have a divine right to be here as we are. To quote Oprah, ""[Y]ou're worthy because you are born and because you are here. Your being here, your being alive makes worthiness your birthright. You alone are enough."

 

Follow Heather Matarazzo on Twitter: www.twitter.com/heathermatarazz

Comments

[Perpetualove]

03:50 PM on 11/04/2011

People forget - only too easily - that "The Church" is made up of people. Just like society. As lesbians, there are some great role models, and some not so great. Some are idiots, just like your teacher.

And Heather, you have some good points and some decent thoughts here and there. You need a better editor, you need to do some research (real research) and if you ever want to be taken seriously about this subject - never ever end anything you have to say with a quote by Oprah. Oprah? Really? Do you even get the far reaching and wild subtext of what you did? Think about it.

[Perpetualove]

01:45 PM on 11/04/2011

The End: People forget - only too easily - that "The Church" is made up of people. Just like society. As lesbians, there are some great role models, and some not so great. Some are idiots, just like your teacher.
And Heather, you have some good points and some decent thoughts here and there. You need a better editor, you need to do some research (real research) and if you ever want to be taken seriously about this subject - never ever end anything you have to say with a quote by Oprah. Oprah? Really? Do you even get the far reaching and wild subtext of what you did? Think about it.

[Perpetualove]

01:44 PM on 11/04/2011

Part Eight: Some women masturbate when they have cramps and it relieves the pain. What sort of theological "expert" would dare make a case that God would condemn that woman? And if that theologian did come down on the side that is a mortal sin, it doesn't comply with the three above mentioned conditions, because being in pain automatically disqualifies someone from "being in their right mind." In ending, to tear apart some of these issues like I have done is really more appropriate for high school students. By the time one reaches adulthood, if a faith was introduced (and practiced/modeled) in an appropriate (and individual) manner, one would have the understanding and confidence to live it in such a way that makes sense for them and not get caught up on the "rules." I'm sorry you had a less than ideal presentation of this faith, and once again, I am saddened that some of your decisions come from things that an individual "told you."

[Perpetualove]

01:43 PM on 11/04/2011

Six Seven: I point this out to you because it is important to fully understand - before you start telling people about "sin" and "going to hell" that that is NOT what "the Church" teaches. Regarding masturbation - everybody has an opinion on this so let me clear it up. It becomes sinful - like any activity - when it takes you away from your life, your responsibilities, your partner. It becomes sinful when it is used in a manner to hurt another or oneself. Masturbation would fall under the same list of things that others list off the cuff on a regular basis...gambling, drinking, etc. I am exhausted by the misunderstanding of this particular issue.

[Perpetualove]

01:42 PM on 11/04/2011

Part Six: Even sociopaths get a break because chances are they not fully in their right mind, nor could one even make the case that they totally "get" what they are doing, etc.... As a small note of trivia, never once - not ever ever - has the Catholic Church determined that some"one" (the devil doesn't count because "he's" not a person and he agreed to go there, or so the story goes) is in hell. Not Hitler, not Pol Pot, not Attila the Hun, not Stalin, not Mengele, not Dahmer, not even the Roman Guard who nailed the nails in the hands of Christ. Not one person. This is of vital importance to understand because there are many so-called Christians running around, throwing Bible quotes out (some of them flatly made up - some of them flatly used out of context) and somehow, mixed in with a childhood understanding of the Church - in many minds this all gets jumbled together.

[Perpetualove]

01:41 PM on 11/04/2011

Part Five: Yes - the Church has separated the idea of "sin" into two categories - one category refers to the small sins (venial) such as telling Aunt Sally her makeup looks great when in fact she looks like a hooker, and the second is for major sins (mortal) like killing someone. But like with all things Catholic, pastoral loopholes abound, which is yet another reason a critical mind, adult understanding and deep thought is required. In order for a "mortal" sin to be mortal, THREE conditions must be present (if you don't believe me, look it up - though I will announce right now that I am paraphrasing: 1) it must be grave 2) it must be deliberate, with full knowledge and in one's "right mind" 3) it must be done on PURPOSE to break relationship with God. So...given the average, every day person, meeting these conditions is almost impossible.

[Perpetualove]

01:40 PM on 11/04/2011

Part Four: Secondly, "the Church" cannot determine for ANYONE what is a sin; that is between you and God. They can give you a list, they can hope you will live by the Ten Commandments, but the reality of the Ten Commandments is broken up into two parts: the first part is breaking relationship with God, who did (according to the inspired writing of the Scripture) create us in God's image and ALL of us are considered good; in God's image - with the potential to be exactly who we were created to be - and the second part concerns breaking relationship with others. That's it. You cannot be "forced" to confess something you are not sorry for (especially something you will do again), nor can you deny you who really are. No amount of Hail Mary's - said at the orders of some priest - can get you into heaven. And NO ONE can tell you that you are "going to hell."

[Perpetualove]

01:34 PM on 11/04/2011

Part Three: For the record, the Church does not identify "gay people" as bad or sinful. And IF you had dug a little deeper, you might have discovered that the Catholic Church holds as one of its deepest tenets that "one must follow their informed conscience...even if it means leaving the Church." Of course, the catch is "informed," which means reading, questioning, learning and digging deep. A volunteer RE or CCD teacher's ignorant comments don't count.

[Perpetualove]

01:33 PM on 11/04/2011

Part Two: As for your understanding regarding confession, sin, forgiveness, etc., I'm afraid you are very much like the stereotypical adult who was "forced" into the practice of their parents' faith. I would hazard a guess that "the faith" wasn't practiced at home in an intelligent, loving manner. Sadly, more and more families "use" their faith of origin for milestones (in your case - obviously your First Holy Communion) and some kind of cultural guilt. I find it interesting that the experience and actual understanding of the faith itself - be it the Sacramental life of the Church or the dogma itself - is left to teachers who do their job (if they do it all) once a week. If it had been practiced contrary to what I described within your own home with your own cultural, familial, individual, structure - with your immediate community creating meaningful rituals which would serve as a support and source of rootedness for the rest of your life, you would not associate your childhood misunderstandings with your adult experience. There are plenty of Catholics - including priests, nuns, deacons, teachers and lay people - who are gay, loving, brilliant, independent thinkers with critical minds. I wish you had met (or even knew) some of them.

[Perpetualove]

01:31 PM on 11/04/2011

I don't really get this piece at all. You are clearly referring to the Catholic Church, unless you went to a High Anglican Church (which is doubtful), and neither denomination holds what you claim you were taught as dogma. If a crazy woman had a bizarre outburst in class and said that AIDS was a punishment for the sins of gay people; then she should be filed under "Crazy People Who Don't Know Anything and Use Children As Their Audience." I guess she missed the part about Mother Teresa being THE FIRST person (forget about separating people by religion) to set up hands-on care for people with AIDS during a time when doctors and nurses were dressed in full blown haz mat suits (just to walk into the room).

[Geri Kiefer]

09:02 PM on 10/24/2011

I walked that walk as a hetero and was always astounded at how mean minded God must be. I found my spirituality and my sexuality from people who were more open minded than the Lutherans I grew up with.

[llisa]

02:14 AM on 10/24/2011

Heather, you sound like a very wise young woman.

I was a doubter from a young age, too. I also went through the "not really buying it, but what if I go to hell for all eternity just for not believing" phase. Glad you came out the other end OK.

I love our last few sentences. If only everyone could just be happy being who they are and allow others the same privilege.

A wise young woman indeed.

[babybuda]

10:33 PM on 10/23/2011

Beautiful! as are you ...Thank You for being you!

[TARIK T]

09:27 PM on 10/23/2011

Tarik T., Algeria
-The "we're born like this" thing legitimates many awkward behaviors. "I was born like this", would argue a pedophile.
-Why no polemic around a male/female relationship? Why gay connections arouse so much heated debate?!
-Faith, atheism & sexual life are private. Should be kept away like..private parts.

[Erin84]

10:07 PM on 10/23/2011

Your post is incoherent. What is your point? If you're comparing adult relationships to pedophiles forcing themselves on children, you're intellectually inept and you suck at logic. There are many many many reasons the stigma against gays has lasted so long. Misogyny and hyper-masculinity have been a detriment to human society for centuries. It has caused widespread infanticide of female babies in some earlier societies. And it is, until this day, perpetuating the stigma against all men who are labeled effeminate, and women who aren't giving themselves over to men. Luckily, the stigma is slowly dying. As for your point about privacy, it only further illustrates the gross double-standard against those in the minority. A president cannot get elected without being a Christian in this country, and he has his faith scrutinized by many. Yet, Atheists have to keep it to themselves, and pretend they buy the same bs as those around them. Same thing with sexuality. Straight people have had weddings and parties to celebrate their sexuality for centuries. Also, we are bombarded with sexuality in modern culture. It is not realistic to pretend these elements of humanity do not exist. Either accept that other people may not reflect the way of life you prefer. That is what education, and maturity are all about.

[YoMama]

09:21 PM on 10/23/2011

Great post, Heather! Keep on writing.