Sexy Too Soon

As the editor of Daughters, the national bimonthly for parents of girls and girl advocates, I'm often pumped for advice from parents of daughters. Hands down, the most frequently asked question is some version of this: "My daughter wants to dress like a streetwalker, which is what all her friends do already. What should I do?"

I'm not surprised. After all, it's not just parents who are obsessed by what's "appropriate" for females to wear. Some weeks ago, yet another young woman flying Southwest Airlines reported the wrath of our own homegrown Taliban, a flight steward so offended by her halter top that another flight attendant had to hustle over a blanket to swathe the second female flier thus far burka-ed. And remember the rage that recently clogged the airwaves and blogs? It's the urgent national concern of Britney's black bikini--how dare she! With a stomach like that!?

With the cultural message so blatant that women are what they wear--and the hotter the better--is there any wonder at all why girls just wanna be "hott"? Consider the images that daily carpet-bomb a girl's line of vision in everything from the de rigueur vamp pix of MySpace girls from 7-17 to the tenor of virtually every tween/teen clothing ad and teen-targeted media: The trump card is "be hott." So I hear from the first-grade teacher who's newly appalled each fall by the increasingly sexualized apparel of her girl students or the mom or dad of the 3rd grader (or 5th or 7th or 9th or...) who's exhausted and ready to surrender in the constant clothes battle.

I do feel that parental pain--we've got two daughters who, just like I did at their age, often want to wear what's cool, which is usually hot (and yes, I have the high-school snapshot of me in the micro-mini to prove the parallels). And I do have a solution. Problem is, I fear it's one that won't fly with fans of what I've come to categorize as the two main parental approaches. One camp uses the "blinders" method of banning all sexual references and images in hopes of squelching any potential hussy-lust; the other employs an oddly similar ostrich-style "what's the use" attitude, which involves frustrated capitulation and a hope that she'll grow out of it. Why won't these parents likely buy my answer? Because it involves the one strategy that seems to stymie so many parents: Honest talk.

I mean honest talks about how we as a culture got to the place where hott rules. Talks that delve into everything from genuine sexual desire to the capitalist juggernaut of "sex sells" to the blinding peer pressure that adults--not just kids--bow to (what else explains the pervasive décolletage and derriere displays now common in most every workplace?). If our girls can't count on us to tell the whole story to them about a topic as critical as sexuality, then they're not really going to respect our parental rules about what to wear and how to act. And they sure as hell won't have the solid foundation of full information and empathy and trust that enable them to make good decisions as they enter the world.

And this honest talk ought to begin when our girls (and their brothers) are toddlers. Here's where my suggestion usually sparks the startled "talk to a three-year-old about sex?" reaction. Yep. That's what I mean. Because your three-year-old is already learning about sex and "sexy" and how females and males "should" do sexy. Doubt me? Sit down and watch a smattering of kids' media (and further consider that tots routinely see movies and TV shows and online media meant for adults simply by nature of being present while it's on). Most every kids' movie or TV series has the flirtatious female character and requisite pursing male, or in a nod to "girl power," the reverse. And if you haven't watched mainstream kids' media lately, you may be shocked to see the surge of sexual double entendres and racy body language--all part of the move to make more bucks in kids' media by vamping up the salability to older kids and adults.

And naturally a girl's inclination to obey the 'hott rules' mandate only mushrooms as she grows older. At daycares and schools and backyards, kids talk about and act on what kids always aspire to: to be like the big kids. Be cool the way they're cool. That's why parental guidance is even more urgent. Kids are getting loads of input about sex and sexy and parents can do little about it. Doesn't it seem real important that consistent and thorough parental input be part of the package?

Once you start being candid with kids about the role of "sexy" in everyday culture, it gets easier, I promise. Just a few general pointers:

*When a girl's words or actions alarm you--say your six-year-old is practicing pole-dancing moves she saw on TV or asking for a halter and platforms--don't explode. First, simply draw her out on why (which also buys you some time to think about your response), advises Wheelock College education professor Diane Levin, coauthor with media educator Jean Kilbourne of the forthcoming Sexy So Soon: The Sexualization of Childhood (Random House/Ballantine, 2008). Ask: "Why do you think the female dancers on TV dance like that?" She might say, "Because boys like that." You can chat about why that dance style seems to be the only one she sees these days--isn't that odd?--as you explain marketers' bottom (literally) line goals. Finally, you can invite your daughter to come up with other reasons why boys might like and value girls.

*Don't shrink from talking birds and bees and sexual attraction. Study after study confirms that it's not factual information that produce "girls gone wild"; girls make unhealthy choices precisely because they lack guidance from loving adults who encourage discussion and allow her to hone good decision-making skills from early on. So let's say you're watching the come-hither animated zebra with the five-year-old, or the MTV reality show with the bed-hopping teen star alongside your 15-year-old. You really can talk about her, your, and the culture's notions of how people express ideas about sex and sexuality with either kid. Of course, you'll adjust the content and specifics, but with both girls, you'll have the chance to learn what she's thinking and she'll have the opportunity to hear about your thoughts and values.

*Girls generally find fashion trends fascinating, so a quick tour of what's been considered "sexy" in the past could spark some fun conversations. Bring up factors like ease of movement. Ask: what does it mean that guy fashions favor loose and comfy while girl fashions keep them teetering on heels, hyperventilating from sucking in lycra-covered tummies, and eternally tugging on hems?

*Take that trip down memory lane and dish...then add the wisdom of hindsight. My husband and I have had, shall we say, diverse experiences as we made our way through pre-marriage life, and our lives are an open book for our girls. Not everyone is comfortable telling all, and that's fine. But at the least, reveal your empathy. Whatever way you expressed it, you wanted affirmation of your sexual appeal, particularly during the teen years. That's natural. What isn't natural is how commercial culture has twisted a basic human element to market shallow, boring, and destructive (see the American Psychological Association report on the effects of sexualization on girls for more) "ideals" of sex and sexiness.

So what's my answer to those anxious parents? It's not simple, I say, and the end result can be rules, compromise rules, or hoped-for guidelines. It can include her occasionally wearing clothes that make you cringe (I'm still amazed my very old-fashioned parents let me out of the house in a few of my outfits). But whatever you choose, make the move to speak up, keep talking, and leave not one doubt for your daughter that you care.

Comments

[hippynanainblingland]

Well said, and this works as long as our daughters are willing to accept the appropriateness of our talks about sex, because as well as sexy images, our kids get images of what parents are supposed to be, and that is not parents who "indulge" in sexually explicit talk... i.e., parents are supposed to "protect" their kids' "innocence," rather than be upfront about sex.

My daughter, now in her thirties, still berates me for having been the kind of parent who did "indulge" in sexually explicit talk, and for having "forced" her to watch "The Handmaid's Tale" when she was in her tweens... she claims that rather than enlighten her as to the possibility that such could happen, watching it scared the shit out of her.

As for my boys, they preferred to go the porn way, however they got it, rather than carefully listen to, and apply to their lives, the message I was trying to convey about the ways our culture demeans their sisters by expecting all women to conform to the popular images of beauty and desirability.

What I'm trying to say, I guess, is that not all efforts by parents to convey healthy sexual attitudes to their children are successful: cultural images are VERY powerful, and the majority of those at present are in favor of early sexualization of our girls, and the early corruption of our boys' values in regards to their sisters, as well as the meme that parents who are frank about sex with their kids are, maybe, abusing their kids' trust... and, yes, I still stand indicted by my kids of having done just that.

That is not to say that we need to look at a different approach; explicit sexual talk is necessary... just don't expect that it will work every time, at least not for a few generations. Progress is so very SSLLLOOOOOWWWWWW!

[hippynanainblingland]

Well said, and this works as long as our daughters are willing to accept the appropriateness of our talks about sex, because as well as sexy images, our kids get images of what parents are supposed to be, and that is not parents who "indulge" in sexually explicit talk... i.e., parents are supposed to "protect" their kids' "innocence," rather than be upfront about sex.

My daughter, now in her thirties, still berates me for having been the kind of parent who did "indulge" in sexually explicit talk, and for having "forced" her to watch "The Handmaid's Tale" when she was in her tweens... she claims that rather than enlighten her as to the possibility that such could happen, watching it scared the shit out of her.

As for my boys, they preferred to go the porn way, however they got it, rather than carefully listen to, and apply to their lives, the message I was trying to convey about the ways our culture demeans their sisters by expecting all women to conform to the popular images of beauty and desirability.

What I'm trying to say, I guess, is that not all efforts by parents to convey healthy sexual attitudes to their children are successful: cultural images are VERY powerful, and the majority of those at present are in favor of early sexualization of our girls, and the early corruption of our boys' values in regards to their sisters, as well as the meme that parents who are frank about sex with their kids are, maybe, abusing their kids' trust.

That is not to say that we need to look at a different approach; explicit sexual talk is necessary... just don't expect that it will work every time, at least not for a few generations. Progress is so very SSLLLOOOOOWWWWWW!

Blessings, Hippy Nana

[philistine]

Thank you for this excellent post. As the father of a young daughter and son, your sound advice - for both boys and girls, I believe - spells out a sound strategy to deal a problem I anticipate in the near future.