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When Intimate Relationships End: The Good, the Bad and the Ugly

Relationship endings are tough for all of us, but your task is clear when you experience one: minimize the bad, avoid the ugly and make it good!
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Psychologist, consultant, speaker, author of Performing Under Pressure: The Science Of Doing Your Best When It Maters Most (Crown 2015)

Psychologist, consultant, speaker, author of Performing Under Pressure: The Science Of Doing Your Best When It Maters Most (Crown 2015)
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If you have ever experienced the end of an intimate relationship (and chances are you have), I'm sure you are familiar with the common denominators of intimate relationship endings: anger, anxiety, sadness/depression, despair, relief. What I've learned as a psychologist -- and personally, too -- is that it is how you use these emotions that determines whether your intimate relationship ending is categorized as either the Good, the Bad or the Ugly. Think of how your last intimate relationship ended and judge to which category it belongs. Be honest.

Start with anger, a frequent ending for divorce and sudden breakups due to extenuating circumstances like cheating.

  • The Bad: the anger prevents you from doing your daily business. You find it hard to concentrate and impossible to feel relaxed, and you become short and irritable with others, even those who offer support.

  • The Ugly: your anger is out of control. You verbally abuse your significant other to anyone who will listen, obsessively scheme how you can make his or her life miserable, imagine yourself doing all sorts of villainous but "justified" acts, show up at his or her office for a "scene" and maybe even spit at him or her. That's ugly.

  • The Good: Become an "anger athlete" by using some of anger's key functions. First, see it as a cue that something is wrong; in this case, what's wrong is that your relationship, for whatever reason, is over, and there is nothing you can do about it, so there is no point in making it bad and ugly. Next, use your anger to mobilize your resources so that you can move on with your life. Do this by transforming your anger arousal into directed energy: "What's the best thing to do?" You will realize that moving on is a much better option than making your anger bad and ugly.

    • Regardless of how your relationship ended, you are now in the midst of a "new" experience, so it is natural that you experience anxiety.

    • The Bad: you wake up feeling unsettled. Unlike your angry thoughts, which blame and demand retribution, your anxious thoughts immediately focus on the questions, "What will happen to me? What will I do?" You will feel like you are worrying all the time, and your work performance will probably take a hit.

  • The Ugly: sleeping will become difficult, and there will be intermittent crying, maybe a physical symptom or two and a few trips to a recommended psychiatrist for some meds or the latest magnetic cranial device.

  • The Good: Anxiety communicates uncertainty and vulnerability, so use your anxiety to assess what you are uncertain about, where you are feeling vulnerable. Use your answers for a cognitive reality check and to guide you into actions that will help you feel more secure. Continually reminding yourself that "newness" can be fun and exciting will help rid some of your anxiety.

    • No one would dispute the fact that the ending of an intimate relationship -- especially by death -- is a great loss, so depression says "hello."

    • The Bad: you wake up every morning feeling sorry for yourself; cry frequently with the accompanying thought, "My life will never be the same"; eat much more than you need; and tell anyone who will listen your woes.

  • The Ugly: you don't want to get out of bed, forget about work and believe there is no future. Eating and sleeping become rare, and moping around is your norm. You avoid your friends, stay home and have zero interest in anything. The more you try to suppress your pain, the more it hurts. The best you can do is to muster up your energy to see the psychiatrist.

  • The Good: you allow yourself to "befriend" your feelings, so that you can heal your wound and move on. You might think, "It was great while it lasted, and it hurts to lose it, but I will feel better." Instead of avoiding your friends, use them as a support group. Inevitably, depression becomes sadness, which will eventually lessen so that hope, optimism and enthusiasm enter your picture.

    • Whether the relationship ends through divorce or a breakup, relief is often felt.

    • The Bad: you get down on yourself for staying in such a bad relationship. Your self-esteem might take a hit.

  • The Ugly: you become relationship-traumatized and say, "Never again."

  • The Good: you interpet your relief as a reward for ending a relationship that you no longer wanted. Celebrate that you're out!

    • Relationship endings are tough for all of us, but your task is clear when you experience one: minimize the bad, avoid the ugly and make it good!

    As the world's most interesting psychologist, I urge you to value your intimate relationships, my friend!

    www.drhankw.com

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