Easiest Job on Planet: Bank CEO

Looking for a cushy job with great pay and low responsibility? Be a bank CEO!

Here's how it works:

* Take the job after an economic downturn, when your predecessor is forced out after presiding over the loss of billions in bad-debt and trading write-offs (don't worry, your predecessor won't starve in retirement).

* Immediately take huge additional write-offs and reserves and blame them on your predecessor. Clean up balance sheet so your performance bar is so low you could fall over it.

* Announce "new era" in which Your Bank will focus on conservative, fee- and spread-based businesses in which you grow steadily and prudently.

* Sit in your chair for two years while economic recovery (and your earlier write-offs) deliver strong earnings to the bottom line.

* Smile for the cameras. Have PR people place a Fortune cover story entitled "The Wizard Who Turned Around [Your Bank"]!

* Renegotiate contract extension from position of strength. Include new provisions that tie your comp directly to earnings and stock performance.

* Announce that, given the huge opportunities in the markets, Your Bank will take a bit more risk (prudent, of course) to improve return on equity.

* Encourage your traders to make huge bets.

* Sit in your chair for three years and collect at least $50 million a year during rest of bull market while those bets pay off.

* When market finally turns (sorry, it always does), briefly deny that the downturn will affect Your Bank.

* When it's clear that your traders were just bull-market geniuses and have gambled away all the "profits" Your Bank booked in the previous three years, blame them and express disappointment. Then hang around to see whether market cares.

* If market demands resignation, resign, collect $500 million severance, and join private equity firm.

* If market yawns, re-up for another cycle and do it all over again!

See Also: Time For Lousy Bank CEOs To Step Down

Comments

[SeriousBlack]

"Take the job after an economic downturn, announce "new era" for Your Bank, have PR people place a Fortune cover story about you, and sit in your chair for three years and collect at least $50 million."

And if the bank fails because of bad business decisions, well, NO PROBLEM! You're just handed a get-out-of-jail-and-be-bailed-out-by-taxpayers card! Whoopee! Where do I sign up?

[WIpatriot]

Why wait three years?

As soon as you're established, take a different job with more pay and you're okay.

[Rule Of Law]

Henry, you called it. There oughta be a law...

[Bobotheclown]

We all know that CEO job's are both the easiest and the highest paid in the capitalist universe. The problem is that the rest of us can't get hired. Job's this good don't advertise. They go to friends of friends. That interlocking directorship thing is the actual fabric that supports the upper class.

I'm glad someone in the chattering class has noticed this. Lets hope that someone in the political class notices it next.

[MrJoyboy]

Funny! But sad too...

[ReelBusy]

Looking for a cushier job with great pay and low responsibility?
Be a Wall Street Analyst!

Tell people about "hot" stocks and when the markets tanks from the speculative environment you help to tout just walk away and become a "seasoned industry veteran".

It's sure easier than the responsibilities of a CEO for a publicly traded company isn't it?

[elpollo]

Henry, maybe your idea is valid sometime in the future, but current bank CEO's haven't written down most of their bad debt for the simple reason that if they did, these financial behemoths would be forced into bankruptcy - i.e. big belly up.

Wait till the bail out with Fanny and Freddie starts. Fasten your seat belts. Our social security trust fund T bills will then have a Moody's rating of B.

But I'm not worried because I have a whole mess of assorted dog turds wrapped in gold colored foil labelled tranche, and I'm headed off to the Fed window to swap them for T notes. Damn! Just learned that my turds are not eligible. You have to be on a select list of turd traders.

[JScott]

OOOhhh I wanna job as a bank CEO.

[Effyoo]

As always, Henry..clear - concise and brilliantly HONEST. This formula translates to MANY lines of business let alone Banks!!!