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Teeing Off: A Brand New Past


Courtesy of The Henry Rollins Show

History isn't broken, but it's getting fixed all the same. You can't handle the truth?! No problem! When history doesn't fit your needs, just change it. History's old -- it needs a makeover! The new truth has to have more truthiosity to stand up against all those stuffy old historians, so you have to go big! Now. What would be the only way to make the insanity of Creationism have even an inkling of legitimacy? No, not a theme park. Close. A museum, that'll do it. Sound crazy? You bet! The Creation Museum is open for business! At 60,000 square feet, packed full of state of the art technology, it promises to "Bring the pages of the Bible to life." Nothing like a high-tech fantasy display to make those dinosaurs 3,000 years old and God the almighty creator of all! Allah be praised! Whoops, wrong god. As the museum's motto says: "Prepare to believe." Nations have been air-brushing the homicidal and wretched bits from their histories for years. According to some, Russia under Stalin was a paradise! The Holocaust never happened! Columbus's thugs never slaughtered the Arawak Indians and the Native Americans couldn't wait to give the North American continent to the white invaders and were overjoyed for the smallpox and free blankets. The Civil War? It wasn't about ending slavery! It was those faggoty book reading northerners oppressing all those poor poor farmers! And the south didn't lose! You put a mature man in a suit and tie, call him a doctor or a scientist and anything that comes out of his mouth will be believed by someone and in no time. The lie has legs; the lie has its own parking space; the lie is a fact. I can't wait for the Bush Library. One copy of My Pet Goat and the rest of the shelf space taken up by volume after blood-drenched volume of the Invasion and Occupation of Iraq magically cleansed in re-write into the Liberation and Democratization of Iraq brought to you by a visionary President who made the tough decisions to keep America safe as he almost single handedly won the War On Terror. The future of our past looks bright. Cheer up!

-- Henry Rollins