08/16/2007 11:27 am ET | Updated Nov 17, 2011

Teeing Off : Germ Warfare

Courtesy of The Henry Rollins Show

What are you doing to fight the war on germs? All over America, bacteria cells are losing sleep, knowing that the rapture is just a spray and a wipe away. Germs hate your freedom and if you don't kill them now, they will ... Well, I don't know what they'll do, probably what they were doing in homes since there were homes. But that doesn't make it alright! The air around you is a germ laden target rich environment and you must engage and neutralize this imminent airborne threat. You remember what the man in the Listerine ad said, "They're germs, show no mercy." Roger that. You will deploy the germ killing spray throughout your living quarters, thus spreading freedom and Democracy where it is needed most. It is your duty as a vigilant and concerned American, to buy shopping carts full of every possible germ and bacteria annihilating, scent masking, body freshening wipe, spray and pad and bring these bacteriofacists to justice. Sterilize yourself before it's too late! What this campaign of course leaves out is that many common diseases are viral in nature and are unaffected by these anti-bacterial crusades. Also, soap and the regular cleaning products get the job done. And most interesting to m -- --if you kill off all the susceptible bacteria, the more resistant bacteria become stronger. Not to mention, all of this cleanliness can do a lot to weaken your immune system thus making it easier for you to get sicker quicker thus becoming more dependent on other products companies will be more than happy to sell you. As a youth at summer camp, I had a dead bat as a pet until it fell apart, touched all my food, and engaged in all manner of idiotic germy pursuits never once washing my hands, and by golly, I'm still here. Hug me. Like you, I'm a virtual Petri dish of germs and bacteria!

-- Henry Rollins