<i>Teeing Off</i>: The Death Stars

Courtesy of The Henry Rollins Show

I felt bad for Fred Goldman and his family after his son Ron was killed along with Nicole Simpson many years ago. But my sympathies started to fray when I noticed that Mr. Goldman started making himself available to CNN and other news agencies for gratuitous purposes with annoying frequency. After a couple of years of it, I figured, fuck this guy, go home and grieve, the truth of your son's death is bad enough, no need to keep making curtain calls lest one think you're enjoying your horrible loss too much. Nowadays, there seems to be an alarming number of people who make themselves into tabloid fuel when their famous friend or relative dies. The status reports on the decomposition rates of James Brown and Anna Nicole Smith were pathetic and obscene. Don't tell me you're gutted about the loss of someone while you're a willing media circus chess piece and your tears smell like money. Here's what these people should do and it would make everyone happy: Don't stop the madness, sell it! Preserve the corpses a la Vladimir Lenin and put them on display in mood-lit and refrigerated museums with other famous dead people. Can you imagine the line to view the bodies of Elvis Presley and JFK at Disney? The merchandising possibilities would be ... eternal! Think of all the famous people who would call their lawyers immediately to get the paperwork going and get their priority spot as dead celebs go into a prime time twilight zone! Plastic surgeons would rake in the big bucks on post mortem plastic surgery, putting a whole new spin on the phrase, "Live fast, die young, and leave a good looking corpse." With proper costuming and thoughtful lighting, Jack Nicholson could appear at the next 100 Academy Awards ceremonies. The families of the deceased could get lifetimes of royalties and the dead celeb becomes the stiff that keeps on giving. Advice to the celebrity looking for that life-changing PR move to reinvent yourself: DIE!

-- Henry Rollins