Here's an equation for you. Take one aging celebrity, mix in a hefty scoop of childhood abuse, add a few dozen helpings of bad publicity for pedophilia charges and just plain bizarre behavior, mix in a lethal cocktail of dangerous prescription drugs, plus the loss of billions of dollars due to years of mismanagement and an over the top lifestyle most of us could never even dream of. There's really only one way out of that mess, and it happened two weeks ago to 50 year old Michael Joseph Jackson: Death.
For most of his short, anguished time on earth he was larger than life, but in death MJ has eclipsed all other dead celebs (okay, except for, um, Jesus of Nazareth) for sheer marketability and money-making prowess. And talk about a TV ratings bonanza; holy mamasay-mamasah, the whole world stopped to make room for the breaking news of Jackson's death on June 25th. Iran? Forgotten. Mark Sanford? Luckiest guy in the world, apparently. Recession? Snore. New Iphone? Whatever. And the memorial service? Viewership numbers through the roof, all over the world. We'll get to that.
Perhaps you remember that for a few minutes, right before MJ was rushed to the hospital that Thursday, the world had been stunned and transfixed by the cellphone video of 26 year old Neda Soltani, killed in living color during a protest in Tehran. The video of her death made the situation in Iran immediate and present to us; it made it real. Such is the power of the internet, which transcends all media, making it immediate in every sense.
MJ needed no such boost to make his death relevant to the world. Love him, hate him, you can't help but acknowledge that he changed the world of music forever. But watching the carrion circling him now is plainly horrific. I worry about those three children, who have just inherited the biggest therapy bills known to humankind (although possibly, some day, also the biggest book deals of all time). Their lives up to now must have set new standards for weirdness; what's incredibly sad is that that was nothing compared to the future. Jermaine told NBC News, in tears, that he wishes it had been him who died instead of Michael (hmm...new reality show? I'm A Jackson, Get Me Out of Here!). And Debbie Rowe has done an about face and declared she suddenly wants the two kids she gave birth to, after saying just the opposite right after Jackson's death. Way to go, Deb. Break up a family that's just lost their father. She's obviously ripe for reality TV, maybe she can get signed on to the Octomom's TV deal or something equally tasteless.
It's now abundantly clear that Jackson's money-making abilities are even more pronounced after his death (it's the Kurt Cobain / Anna Nicole Smith / Elvis Presley / Heath Ledger syndrome - times ten). This is clearly a cash cow of such magnitude that it makes my head hurt. Downloads of Jackson's music since his passing set a new standard for internet music sales. His album sales for the last week of June were more than the entire year of sales for the same records. News of his death nearly brought down the largest and most robust internet media sites. Over 31 million U.S. viewers watched the public memorial service on Tuesday on broadcast television. It's estimated that a number close to that watched it live on the web. And ... may I say ... his final sleep chamber, the gold coffin covered in flowers positioned center stage at the Staples Center - was that really necessary at a ceremony planned to celebrate his life?
This is only the first two weeks, people. Now that it's clear that MJ was, if anything, worth more dead than alive, we're so in for it. This news story will go on forever. There will always be someone else crawling out of the woodwork saying they sat next to him in fourth grade or waited on him in a supermarket at 2 a.m. or similar crazy stuff. Any unreleased audio and video material is going to be doled out to the public with big price tags, now that it's clear there is an insatiable thirst for anything related to MJ.
That AEG footage of his tour rehearsals? Certainly a ploy to whet our appetite for the rest of that material, of which there is said to be quite a bit. In fact, Time Magazine said today that plans are underway for a show in London on Aug. 29 - Jackson's 51st birthday - featuring footage from the rehearsals plus performances by Jackson family members. The only thing missing would be MJ himself. This makes me very queasy; I can now picture years of Jackson tours ahead - the brothers Jackson suddenly being marketable again after decades of living in MJ's shadow. Each show will be a tribute to Michael and a massive sales success. You see it too, don't you? It's inevitable. He may have died in debt, but in no time at all that debt will be erased - if it hasn't been already by the album sales. Eleven days later.
Unused tickets to the shows at O2 Arena will no doubt be worth their weight in gold in years to come. Who needs a refund when you have that sitting in your dresser drawer - the value will only go up. AEG has opened a web shop for the concert merch they were planning on selling at the shows. You can buy "Who's Bad" belt buckles, King of Pop wallets, wine glasses, tote bags, socks and other apparel (check out the Michael Jackson Decadent Berry Women's Shirt).
Oh yeah, and in case you haven't noticed, everyone suddenly has had to put in their two cents about Jackson, what he meant to the pop culture zeitgeist, and why he died. My favorite comment yet comes from Rush Limbaugh, who said on his radio show: "Michael Jackson's biggest successes took place in the 80's . . . he flourished under Reagan, he languished under Clinton/Bush, and died under Obama . . . I mean, facts are facts, a timeline's a timeline . . ."
Death. It's a whole new media strategy for success. The only problem is, you're not around to enjoy the spoils.
This column originally ran in a slightly different form on the blog The Critical Condition.