My mind is still reeling from Wednesday night's Idol show, and it wasn't just from seeing Shakira quote Roosevelt after her barefoot gypsy dance and duet with country singer Rascal Flatts. (I mean, really?)
No, it was because America sent Screamin' Pipes Siobhan Magnus home ahead of little Aaron Kelly, who still looks to me like he's waiting for a footballer to toss him into the lockers at high school. (Yet another good candidate for Glee.)
How did this happen? Was it Siobhan's tattoos? The punk boots? The fact that Simon said her screaming might have been mistaken for a woman in childbirth? (Been there and done that, Simon, and no, it didn't.)
Yeah, yeah. I know. Aaron Kelly has the sympathy vote because 1) he's the youngest, 2) his own mother didn't want him, and 3) he sang "You've Got a Way" with the lyrics changed to be less scandalous and then dedicated the song to the mother who raised him. Good move, Aaron. You got the Mom vote there and you didn't scare the 12 year-olds who watch the show. But this is still a kid, and no way does he have the drama or pipes that Siobhan has.
My guess is that her teeth got Siobhan's boots booted off. Did you notice how, in that Vampire Ford movie, they didn't have to do much to her pointy incisors to make her look like she really does suck blood?
This makes me worry that Crystal Bowersox might not actually claim her rightful Idol title. Her teeth, right? I say this not to be cruel - I had a horrible snaggle tooth as a child, which luckily was knocked out by a horse, along with several other teeth, so I'm sympathetic to the whole problem of how dental implants cost as much as having a car parked in your mouth.
But Ryan Seacrest was particularly oblivious when he stood on stage next to Crystal Bowersox and pointed to Shania Twain in the audience. (I haven't gotten over that comment Ellen made, either about riding the Shania Train. Oh my.)
"You're glowing," Ryan said to Shania, and then he went on to remark on her perfectly white, perfectly straight, glowing teeth. Next to Crystal. Who is a single mom and obviously comes from a family that either couldn't or wouldn't pay those dentist's bills. Ouch.
Luckily, Crystal has a few smooth moves of her own - like pointing out the boyfriend in the audience and winning the girlfriend vote, and crying when other contestants get kicked off. And, by the way, looking sincere when she does it.
Crystal will beat Aaron - no contest between those voices. Can Crystal beat Casey, despite his Goldilocks hair and Cougar appeal? I think so. Casey's near-vibrato and guitar playing all amount to one thing: This is a guy who'd be a great front man in a band, but he doesn't have star quality. Big Mike is a tough competitor because he can make women cry - that rendition of "It Only Hurts When I'm Breathing" brought me to my knees - and there's something really cool about those high notes coming out of The Incredible Black Hulk. But Idol's voters are mostly girls - and I do mean girls - so I'm guessing that Crystal's toughest go will be against Lee Dewyze, he of the bedroom eyes and Bruce Springsteen growl and groovy jeans. Either way, a real singer will win.