If you're the parent of a toddler, you've already realized they come without a filter and essentially will say anything and everything unapologetically. As someone who gets embarrassed easily, I'll admit that this filterless jargon often sends me over the edge. I tend to turn bright red and run for the hills, or go into a 10-minute explanation about how my kids normally don't behave like this. I've even gone as far as saying that I was the nanny. Just kidding... but I've thought about saying that on more than one occasion.
Toddlers also have an innate ability to know when to make a lot of noise at the most inopportune times. When my son was first born, I welcomed every milestone with enthusiasm. My heart was filled with joy with each coo, babble or giggle. However, now that he has found his voice, I find myself missing those infant days when he just quietly slept and I could gaze at him adoringly. Now everything he says has to be amplified by many decibels for some reason. I'm never farther than a few feet away. I can hear you, kid -- perfectly. Stop with all the yelling!
I, for one, would love if there were a mute button for toddlers. I don't need silence all the time, but here are 10 times when a mute button would be nothing short of amazing:
1. In the car. I love when my son sings his favorite songs... except when I'm in rush hour traffic trying to maneuver between all the cabs, bikers and maniacs on the road. The last thing I need to hear in the middle of this mayhem is a very loud rendition of "Everything Is Awesome"!
2. On the phone. Kids have radar that notifies them as soon as you get on the phone. It doesn't matter if they were perfectly content building their Lego tower or watching their favorite cartoon, because as soon as you get on the phone, they need you right that second. If you do not give them your immediate attention, they have a colossal breakdown.
3. In church. Every time the Father says, "Let us pray," my kid picks up his invisible microphone and yells out his toddler thoughts. Never fails.
4. When speaking to another adult. Any time you try to have a conversation, interruptions immediately ensue. At least my kid says, "Excuse me" -- but he says it over and over and over again.
5. On Saturday mornings. Why is it that during the week, you have to drag your kids out of bed kicking and screaming, yet every Saturday morning, they are up before the rooster's crow? Something tells me I'll be happy when they are teens and sleep in until noon.
6. When telling a white lie. Like when I tell my other mom friends we don't watch too much TV and then my son says we watch it all the time. Busted. I thought we were on the same team, kid?
7. When trying to watch TV. As soon as you sit down to watch your shows when the kids are in bed, they suddenly need more water, have to go potty and demand another story. Once you finally get them to sleep, an hour has passed and it's your bedtime now. So much for that brain-wasting hour of TV.
8. When taking them along to OB appointments. During my last pregnancy, I had to take my 3-year-old with me to all my appointments, and he always tried to check out my lady parts while asking the doctor a million questions. Mute button now, please.
9. When they repeat things you didn't mean to say in front of them. Like when I slammed my finger in a drawer and yelled out a profanity, which then snuck into his vocabulary at school. I'm sure his teachers think I'm the mom of the year.
10. When you're on the potty. Can't I just go to the bathroom without getting interrogated? Not so much.
How much easier would our lives be if these little people didn't have permanent megaphones attached to their mouths, or if they knew when they were being wildly inappropriate? I guess until that day comes, I'll just have to pack on the bronzer to mask my flushed face when my kids embarrass the hell out of me.