Huffpost Women
The Blog

Featuring fresh takes and real-time analysis from HuffPost's signature lineup of contributors

Holly Sidell Headshot

He's Not The One

Posted: Updated:
KISSING COUPLE
PA

A coach once told me to go into every date with a guy knowing that he's not the one. This brought up a lot of resistance in me. But what if he is the one? And by me acting like he's not, then won't it push him away? My coach just said, "it doesn't matter anyways because he's just not the one."

I was very angry and frustrated by this at first. Because, of course, we all want to find "the one." And for me to waste my time dating anyone who wasn't the one just seemed ridiculous. But as time went on, I got it. And I use this philosophy now in my dating. Let me tell you, it takes a lot of pressure off.

When we immediately go into dating someone with no knowledge of them other than hoping that he's "the one," we begin to project. We create things that we want to see. And whether or not we realize it, we put out an air of desperation, which is a huge turn off and will instantly push a man away. Going into dating a man knowing that he's not the one creates the space for you to just enjoy him and get to know him. It allows you to learn about him for real, not for what you would like him to be.

I know it's hard when you have a date and your brain chemistry and hormones are going crazy, and you think, "because of the way I feel, oh wow, he must be the one." (those feelings aren't real, by the way. It's all only chemical). And it's hard when we are with a man and we are feeling so good being with him, and think he has all the qualities we want in our "one." But take all of it as information you can use.

Here's what I mean: I had a great date the other night. I truly connected to this man on every level -- spiritual, emotional/mental, and physically. I liked the way I felt around him. But instead of immediately making up movies in my head projecting the future, seeing us walking down the aisle (which, come on, all of us ladies have done at one point in our lives!), I took stock of what I liked. I would like to be in a relationship with a man who has some of the qualities that this man has. I would like to be in a relationship with a man where I feel as authentically myself and supported as I did when I was on a date with him. So I can use that information going forward in my dating life, noting what qualities I do and don't want in a partner. I don't have to tie it all up and attach it to him.

Also going in to your dates knowing that he's not the one takes a lot of that "will he call? will I see him again?" crazy talk in your head out of the picture. Because you go on dates now with the intention to learn... to learn about qualities you would like in a partner, and to learn about the man you're on a date with. That's it. So if he calls or doesn't call, doesn't really matter. You can take what you learned from your date and move on.

As for the fear that if he is the one and I act like he's not I will push him away, well, that's just a false belief. Underneath it all, I am still a hopeless romantic. And I truly believe that whatever is rightfully ours must come to us. I believe that if we truly are meant to be with somebody, we will. We can't push them away. But the only way this can happen is to let go of it... to let go of thinking he is the one... and just be open to learning. It's always when we don't put any pressure or expectations on things that they show up.