One of my best friends from high school came into town with her husband from Northern California so we could all meet their new baby boy. So I went over today to meet him. My other friend from high school was there with her husband and baby. Another friend from high school was there pregnant, with her husband. They are all going to visit our other friend and her new baby tomorrow. Oh yeah, and the big news is that my other best friend is moving from New York with her baby and husband to Northern California to be by my one friend who just had her baby. So, basically, all around me... babies, husbands, families, babies... all something my heart cries out for. All something I don't have.
I know most women have the "mommy" gene. Most women have that biological clock and urge. Ever since I was a little girl, all I wanted was to be a mom. I couldn't (and can't) wait. It's like, in my soul, I know I was meant to do it. I know I'm going to be great at it. In my soul, just as I know writing and teaching are my purpose, I know that being a mother is my purpose... But I'm not one. I'm not even close. And seeing all my friends with babies and husbands sucks. For me, the longing that I have to be a mom includes having a partner, a husband, to share my life with. And I hate myself that it makes me so sad to be around them. I know I'm being selfish. Here I am, with my friends who I love, with their husbands, who I love, meeting their babies, who I love, and I feel sad. I truly am happy for my friends, but yet I still always leave and start crying hysterically once I get into my car alone. Why? Why would I be born wanting this so badly but not having it, when everyone around me has it and I'm not even close to having it? How come it seems so easy for so many other people to find their partner and have a family? I don't understand! Why can't I? It's not fair!
In class, I often tell my students that if they were born with a burning desire or dream, it's because they are meant to achieve and live it. They wouldn't have the desire otherwise. Spiritually, if something is "rightfully ours," it must come to us. But they need to practice faith. They need to practice discipline in making the choices that will support the manifestation of their dreams and desires.
Yet I realized today that I am not applying either of these practices in my desire to have a family. I don't have faith, and I don't have discipline. I go directly to the catastrophic. I go to: it's never going to happen for me. It's a lost cause. I'm never going to have kids or a partner, and screw you God for giving me the desire for it but not giving it to me!! Yes, I get that angry.
Whoa. What a victim. How about I take some responsibility? How about I make better choices? BAM. That's it: I can make different choices. I am not a victim. If I want something in my life and I'm not getting it, perhaps I need to look at the choices I make. Like who I choose to date. How about I choose to date men that a) even want kids and b) are in a place where they are ready to have kids, financially and emotionally? Yes. My last serious relationships have been with men that either don't want kids ever, or are financially and emotionally not ready or capable of having a family. Um, hello, Holly, of course you're not getting what you want! Already I feel better! Instead of being so sad about it, I can do something about it! I can make different choices.
If you are not getting what you want in your life, take a look at the choices you're making around it. You are never a victim. Make a different choice.
Also, my faith goes right out the window with regards to marriage and family in trusting that it will happen for me. With almost every other area of my life, I trust. I trust that all things happen in their right time, I surrender, I let go. I trust that I will meet the right people, be in the right places, etc. I know that seeds will manifest when the time is right. But with this, I don't. However, right now, today, I commit to moving forward consciously choosing not to believe my catastrophic thoughts. I will have to be disciplined in my thinking. Disciplined in my faith. Having faith that there is a plan, even though I have no idea what that plan is.
We are not helpless in getting our heart's desire. We just have to practice a little discipline... discipline in making choices that support us in achieving what it is we want, and discipline in choosing to have faith even when all the crazy voices and thoughts in our heads scream at us not to.
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