How to Talk With Children About a Breast Cancer Diagnosis
Including children (of all ages!) in the disease process and treatments, though emotionally burdensome and painful, will ultimately be the greatest gift parents can give their children.
This post was published on the now-closed HuffPost Contributor platform. Contributors control their own work and posted freely to our site. If you need to flag this entry as abusive, send us an email.
Having to tell our daughter (who was 4 and three-quarters years old) about my breast cancer diagnosis was daunting, overwhelming and nerve wracking... to say the least. I was quite surprised by how anxious I was about telling her considering the fact that for the past 10 years, I have worked as both an adult and pediatric hospice nurse. In this capacity I have had (way too much!) experience delivering bad news to children.
Now, coping with my personal diagnosis, I found myself on the other side of the bed -- literally. Prior to telling our daughter, I wondered whether all of the advice I have been dispensing for the last decade really works. The Silver Lining is that it DOES!
Advertisement
My personal experience enabled me to be empathetic with the parents who try to hide the truth from children because they assume that "children can't understand what is happening" and because they believe that "children shouldn't be exposed to something so awful." Well, that's 100 percent true: Exposing children to FBC is brutal and heart-wrenching. However, children know when things are haywire in a household (which is an understatement in the face of a cancer diagnosis).
The truth of the matter is that avoiding communication with children sends the message that either they are too unimportant to share the information or that it is so awful that it cannot be discussed. Either way, a child is left alone with the distressing information. How awful is that? Additionally, this isolation forces them to draw inaccurate conclusions or find maladaptive ways of dealing with a cancer diagnosis. While it may seem hard to believe, a child's imagination has the capacity to create things that are far worse than the reality.
Advertisement
Furthermore, if children catch you in a lie of omission or deception (even though lovingly intended), then from that point forward, they will always wonder, "Are Mommy and Daddy not telling me something?" Avoidance may feel better in the short term but has the potential to do long-term damage.
Therefore, including children (of all ages!) in the disease process and treatments, though emotionally burdensome and painful, will ultimately be the greatest gift parents can give their children. Inclusion enables children to have an accurate, healthy and hopeful understanding of the situation and learn adaptive coping mechanisms.
Advertisement
So, where to begin? Based on my clinical experience and the work of Kathleen McCue, I told our daughter:
I am sick.
My sickness is called breast cancer. (Euphemisms are confusing and lead to mixed messages and anxiety. It is imperative to use the exact name of the disease.)
I am going to be cared for by nurses and doctors in a hospital for four sleeps. Then, I will be home. Daddy and I truly believe that I will get better.
At some point or another, there are three questions that children will wonder about a cancer diagnosis in a family:
Is it contagious? At the time of my diagnosis, our daughter has just learned the word contagious. She understood that colds are contagious, for example. She could quickly and easily use associative logic to connect cancer and cold. After all, they both begin with the letter "C." We dispelled this notion immediately.
Did I cause the cancer? This question arises directly from magical thinking. A preschooler could easily surmise that she caused the cancer. Sad, but true. This is the reason that adults have to address this issue head-on and assuage any misconceptions.
Who will take care of me while Mommy is sick? Thanks to their egocentricity, preschoolers are afraid of being left alone. They need to be assured that someone (whom they know) will be there to take care of them while the treatment period takes place. Along these lines, consistency is of utmost importance because it equates to security.
Telling children about a cancer diagnosis in a family is emotionally rotten; however, there are tools to help facilitate the process. I am hopeful that this video will assist you along the way.
To read more about Hollye's holistic and humorous journey over, around, above and below breast cancer, please visit her blog, The Silver Pen (http://www.thesilverpen.com/). You may email her at hollye@TheSilverPen or follow her on Twitter @hollyejacobs.
For more inspiring breast cancer stories, click through the slideshow below.
It's Another Trump-Biden Showdown — And We Need Your Help
The Future Of Democracy Is At Stake
Our 2024 Coverage Needs You
Your Loyalty Means The World To Us
As Americans head to the polls in 2024, the very future of our country is at stake. At HuffPost, we believe that a free press is critical to creating well-informed voters. That's why our journalism is free for everyone, even though other newsrooms retreat behind expensive paywalls.
Our journalists will continue to cover the twists and turns during this historic presidential election. With your help, we'll bring you hard-hitting investigations, well-researched analysis and timely takes you can't find elsewhere. Reporting in this current political climate is a responsibility we do not take lightly, and we thank you for your support.
The 2024 election is heating up, and women's rights, health care, voting rights, and the very future of democracy are all at stake. Donald Trump will face Joe Biden in the most consequential vote of our time. And HuffPost will be there, covering every twist and turn. America's future hangs in the balance. Would you consider contributing to support our journalism and keep it free for all during this critical season?
HuffPost believes news should be accessible to everyone, regardless of their ability to pay for it. We rely on readers like you to help fund our work. Any contribution you can make — even as little as $2 — goes directly toward supporting the impactful journalism that we will continue to produce this year. Thank you for being part of our story.
It's official: Donald Trump will face Joe Biden this fall in the presidential election. As we face the most consequential presidential election of our time, HuffPost is committed to bringing you up-to-date, accurate news about the 2024 race. While other outlets have retreated behind paywalls, you can trust our news will stay free.
But we can't do it without your help. Reader funding is one of the key ways we support our newsroom. Would you consider making a donation to help fund our news during this critical time? Your contributions are vital to supporting a free press.
As Americans head to the polls in 2024, the very future of our country is at stake. At HuffPost, we believe that a free press is critical to creating well-informed voters. That's why our journalism is free for everyone, even though other newsrooms retreat behind expensive paywalls.
Our journalists will continue to cover the twists and turns during this historic presidential election. With your help, we'll bring you hard-hitting investigations, well-researched analysis and timely takes you can't find elsewhere. Reporting in this current political climate is a responsibility we do not take lightly, and we thank you for your support.
Thank you for your past contribution to HuffPost. We are sincerely grateful for readers like you who help us ensure that we can keep our journalism free for everyone.
The stakes are high this year, and our 2024 coverage could use continued support. Would you consider becoming a regular HuffPost contributor?
Dear HuffPost Reader
Thank you for your past contribution to HuffPost. We are sincerely grateful for readers like you who help us ensure that we can keep our journalism free for everyone.
The stakes are high this year, and our 2024 coverage could use continued support. If circumstances have changed since you last contributed, we hope you'll consider contributing to HuffPost once more.