Recipes

Dear mommy & daddy,

I recently read somewhere (I think the Bible) that you can't blame ignorant people for being ignorant if you refuse to help them stop being so ignorant. With that thought in mind, I've decided to write down a few recipes to make mealtimes easier for all of us.

Both of you seem to be confused concerning what a "meal" is. Meals aren't supposed to be punishment, they are supposed to be delicious. Do you understand? Please let me know if I'm going too fast or blowing your mind open.

Dinnertime is hard for all of us and I know why: you have terrible recipes. I've compiled several of my favorites below. Please print them out and put them on a fridge using a magnet. When it's time for cooking, follow it and don't get creative.

Honest Toddler Approved Recipes

1. Toast with Butter

Hold on to your seat! This is a yummy one!!

Step 1: Find an unbroken piece of perfect bread with no rips.

Step 2: Put in toaster. Don't get distracted by a Facebook fight you have no business participating in.

Step 3: When toast pops out, INSPECT IT. Is it a uniform golden brown color? Is it still intact? If not, return to Step 1.

Step 4. Butter toast liberally.

Step 5: Ask toddler how he or she would like toast prepared or cut. Don't make assumptions. You don't know anything about anything.

Step 6: Serve toast.

Step 7: Has toddler changed their mind about toast? Does toddler want cut up toast to be whole again? Repair toast with your mind. If you're not powerful enough, return to Step 1 AS MANY TIMES AS IT TAKES DON'T BE LAZY

2. Pasta with Butter

Mmmmmm! This is will be a hit every time!

Step 1: Make pasta on the stove using a pot and steam or smoke.

Step 2: Put pasta in a toddler-approved small bowl.

Step 3: Put in lots of butter. Don't be shy or cheap.

Step 4: Mix it up properly.

Step 5: Blow until it's the right temperature. We will be very angry if it's too hot. VERY ANGRY.

Step 6: Do we have juice?

Step 7: Resist the urge to add spices or parmesan cheese which is not actual cheese but very small flakes of dry cheese and disgusting. If there is something wrong in your head and you try to add a puree of garbanzo beans or nutritional yeast you are not ready to be a parent.

Step 8: Serve pasta.

Step 9: Accept graciously that your toddler may no longer be hungry or may want toast (*see recipe above).

3. Crackers and Cheese

Step 1: Find an appropriate box of crackers. Ritz and Saltines are both OK. Crackers with visible seeds are NOT.

Step 2: Select 7-8 unbroken crackers. Place them on a plate.

Step 3: Select a normal, non-artisan cheese like mild cheddar. Cut squares that are all the same shape. Don't let cracker crumbs stick to the cheese. Please take some pride in your work.

Step 4: Serve with juice in front of shows.

4. Cereal

Step 1: Find a good cereal. Good cereals have pieces that are all the same (ie. not granola). If you are a wonderful parent, you own a cereal like Corn Pops.

Step 2: Put cereal in a toddler-approved bowl. Ask the toddler before pouring if the bowl is OK.

Step 3: Ask the toddler if he or she would like milk.

Step 4: Pour milk.

Step 5: Serve cereal.

Step 6: After toddler has eaten 1-2 bites, throw away cereal without sighing or having a bad attitude.

Step 7: Pour 1 cup or dry cereal into a ziploc bag.

Step 8: Give to toddler to eat around the house and in front of shows.

-

Congratulations! Now you know how to cook for that special toddler in your home. Remember, the kitchen is not your personal science laboratory wherein family members are forced to consume your failed results. That's pretty selfish, no?

If you get confused about cooking, ask grandma. She has many good recipes including but not limited to chicken nuggets.

I love you. xoxo HT

PS. Cake.

Originally posted on thehonesttoddler.com

 

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Comments

[Otxena]

11:10 PM on 09/30/2012

The best part of a good tongue in cheek article is all the people who don't know what a tongue in cheek article even is. Look that phrase up first, then go ahead and tell us all how awesomely nutrition laden your kids are.

[lorihokie]

03:29 PM on 08/28/2012

I haven't been faced with reconnecting toast, but here's the latest in my dealings with toddler twins I consider myself a pretty "cool" mom, as far as moms of small children go.

[elfrankart]

03:11 PM on 08/27/2012

Oh good lord. To all the parents complaining here about "oh, you should make your toddler try new things" and "oh, don't cater to your kids or they'll control your life," please, just stop. This is supposed to be a cute, funny piece, not an ACTUAL guide on how to cook for your kid. Stop trying to prove how great of a parent you are, and just enjoy the humor. I know I did until I read the comments.

[reneep34]

04:44 PM on 09/25/2012

They just don't get!! I love "Honest Toddler"! It just validates what took me the entire first 2 years of my son's life to learn, to pick my battles!! Some things are just not worth the stress or energy. A lot of times, you may "think" that you've won the fight, but the battle has just begun!!!

[Atxish]

12:01 PM on 08/27/2012

Cute, but... I think kids can be taught to eat the foods we eat. Sure, some recipes may need modification or certain ingredients cut, but I can't imagine the child that eats these things every day looking all that healthy. There's got to be some sort of vitamin deficiency, no (even with chewable vitamins)? I have a two nieces who are extremely picky eaters. It's so frustrating because all one wants is peanut butter and jelly or snacks. The other only wants snacks or food from McDonald's, Jack In the Box, etc. The two oldest nieces will at least try a food and determine if they like it or will express a desire to add something to it (hot sauce, ketchup...). I can't imagine allowing my daughter to dictate her diet for me, but I'm sure we'll meet in the middle on some things (heck, I don't even eat peas -- yuck).

[Karissa36]

08:29 PM on 08/26/2012

Unfortunately, there are some parents who cater to their kids like this. As they get older, a child who has an extremely limited diet is not high on the list for play dates and sleepovers.

[christitenn]

05:12 PM on 08/26/2012

When my kids were little, I never made a fuss about eating veggies and "good" things. I just gave them to them and never had an issue. When my son started kindergarten, he came home and asked me to cut the crust off his bread because his friend at school had his mom pack his lunch and he had no crust. That was the moment the picky eating began. Sigh.....

[virginmrq]

03:39 PM on 08/26/2012

im 56 and i do not like my food touching.if at a buffet,i will put a few things on my plate and go up 10 times.

[Atxish]

12:04 PM on 08/27/2012

Your food not touching is different than refusal to eat certain foods, though.... I've grown out of it, but I remember as a kid I didn't eat things together. I ate each item on my plate one at a time. No meatloaf dipped in a little of my mashed potatoes. Nope. :)

[TheZestyOne]

03:39 PM on 08/26/2012

OK, this was a funny article.. I admit I laughed. But reading some of the comments about what people are actually feeding their small ones has me seriously worried. Toddler staples like hot dogs, ramen noodles, nuggets, sugary drinks.. yikes! Diets based soley on these are terrible for growing bodies and create harmful habits for later on in life. Kids need whole foods mostly. And although there may be fussing in the beginning, ultimately we learn to like those foods we eat routinely. I try for the 80-20 rule. 80% really good whole foods, 20% of the other stuff.

[Amie Nogrady]

03:10 PM on 08/26/2012

I believe I will now end all conversations with the phrase "PS. Cake."

[paprlady]

03:02 PM on 08/26/2012

I had to laugh at this piece, even though my daughter was never a particularly picky eater. Picky in her case was a demand for hummus and pita or more balsamic vinaigrette for her salad with chicken. Part of that is likely because I deliberately exposed her to tastes of a lot of different foods and seasonings from the time she was old enough to have "real" food. I've also never been afraid to let her "go hungry" for a meal if she absolutely refuses to eat what's put in front of her or make her try things she is absolutely sure she doesn't like.

Since it's just the two of us, I usually allow her input on meals and, now that she's six, she helps with picking veg, fruits, and protein for the week's meals and snacks. I've been happily surprised at her choices. The toddler tantrums over meals are an opportunity to be creative as a parent and find alternatives to the "toast and butter that becomes Chicken Nuggets for every meal" tyranny.

[Diane LaRee Peagler]

01:32 PM on 08/26/2012

My grand daughters eat everything.. and very little junk!.. My daughter just never started bad eating habits...of course .. I give a bit here and there... like cutting things a certain way.. !lol.(as a grand mom, I have the time) But they both love homemade chicken soup.. and wouldn't eat it from a can..love veggies any kind..! PBJ is always a good one at my house.. kind of a treat...!

[ifitwereuptome]

12:12 PM on 08/26/2012

The toddler years do seem a little more starchy, cheesy, buttery than when they're older - I've never met a toddler who's favorite foods didn't include grilled cheese or mac & cheese. I used to make a "normal" dinner with at least one of their favorite things included - like grilled chicken with mac & cheese, and they'd usually eat some of both. We're big fruit eaters, so that was never a problem - some veggies took a little longer... I think the important thing is to eat dinner together and make it a social event within the family - don't stress about what they're not eating, no one badgers you when you're full or you're served something you don't care for - believe me, they won't starve...

[Lisa A Barbour]

11:55 AM on 08/26/2012

My son would eat nothing red since in a highchair !! Only raw green vegetables especially parsley (which he called trees ) green beans ,green pepper and plain lettuce (no dressing ) ,the only fruit he would eat was green grapes or raisins,He is nearing forty ,and still does not like fruit still the green veggies ,although he will eat ketchup and spaggetti now

[walths]

11:16 AM on 08/26/2012

THE FOODS YOU WEAN THEM WITH, ARE THE ONES THEY WILL LIKE. Milk (no soy formula).......soft foods (no sweets or fruit)........solid fresh food. If at the soft stage if they act like they don't like it, give it to them anyway. Add milk, but not sugar or fruit. This is not a popularity contest, you tell them what they are getting. Babies don't know what's good for them, you do or at least you should and that means NO sugars or fruits. Do this and you will have good eaters. You can use fruit as a reward AFTER they are good eaters. Remember, it is suspected that a lot of childhood ailments are caused by chemicals in processed foods.

[starlitejym]

10:49 AM on 08/26/2012

Yes, CAKE and lots of it.