Dear mommy & daddy,
I recently read somewhere (I think the Bible) that you can't blame ignorant people for being ignorant if you refuse to help them stop being so ignorant. With that thought in mind, I've decided to write down a few recipes to make mealtimes easier for all of us.
Both of you seem to be confused concerning what a "meal" is. Meals aren't supposed to be punishment, they are supposed to be delicious. Do you understand? Please let me know if I'm going too fast or blowing your mind open.
Dinnertime is hard for all of us and I know why: you have terrible recipes. I've compiled several of my favorites below. Please print them out and put them on a fridge using a magnet. When it's time for cooking, follow it and don't get creative.
1. Toast with Butter
Hold on to your seat! This is a yummy one!!
Step 1: Find an unbroken piece of perfect bread with no rips.
Step 2: Put in toaster. Don't get distracted by a Facebook fight you have no business participating in.
Step 3: When toast pops out, INSPECT IT. Is it a uniform golden brown color? Is it still intact? If not, return to Step 1.
Step 4. Butter toast liberally.
Step 5: Ask toddler how he or she would like toast prepared or cut. Don't make assumptions. You don't know anything about anything.
Step 6: Serve toast.
Step 7: Has toddler changed their mind about toast? Does toddler want cut up toast to be whole again? Repair toast with your mind. If you're not powerful enough, return to Step 1 AS MANY TIMES AS IT TAKES DON'T BE LAZY
2. Pasta with Butter
Mmmmmm! This is will be a hit every time!
Step 1: Make pasta on the stove using a pot and steam or smoke.
Step 2: Put pasta in a toddler-approved small bowl.
Step 3: Put in lots of butter. Don't be shy or cheap.
Step 4: Mix it up properly.
Step 5: Blow until it's the right temperature. We will be very angry if it's too hot. VERY ANGRY.
Step 6: Do we have juice?
Step 7: Resist the urge to add spices or parmesan cheese which is not actual cheese but very small flakes of dry cheese and disgusting. If there is something wrong in your head and you try to add a puree of garbanzo beans or nutritional yeast you are not ready to be a parent.
Step 8: Serve pasta.
Step 9: Accept graciously that your toddler may no longer be hungry or may want toast (*see recipe above).
3. Crackers and Cheese
Step 1: Find an appropriate box of crackers. Ritz and Saltines are both OK. Crackers with visible seeds are NOT.
Step 2: Select 7-8 unbroken crackers. Place them on a plate.
Step 3: Select a normal, non-artisan cheese like mild cheddar. Cut squares that are all the same shape. Don't let cracker crumbs stick to the cheese. Please take some pride in your work.
Step 4: Serve with juice in front of shows.
Step 1: Find a good cereal. Good cereals have pieces that are all the same (ie. not granola). If you are a wonderful parent, you own a cereal like Corn Pops.
Step 2: Put cereal in a toddler-approved bowl. Ask the toddler before pouring if the bowl is OK.
Step 3: Ask the toddler if he or she would like milk.
Step 4: Pour milk.
Step 5: Serve cereal.
Step 6: After toddler has eaten 1-2 bites, throw away cereal without sighing or having a bad attitude.
Step 7: Pour 1 cup or dry cereal into a ziploc bag.
Step 8: Give to toddler to eat around the house and in front of shows.
Congratulations! Now you know how to cook for that special toddler in your home. Remember, the kitchen is not your personal science laboratory wherein family members are forced to consume your failed results. That's pretty selfish, no?
If you get confused about cooking, ask grandma. She has many good recipes including but not limited to chicken nuggets.
I love you. xoxo HT
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