I stayed in a loveless, thankless, unhappy and unfulfilling marriage too long. About two years too long, and about a year after it became completely and embarrassingly evident that divorce is what would be best for both of us, and for our daughter.
I wanted to get a divorce a full year before my ex asked for it, yet the only reason I really got a divorce is because he asked for it. I tried to stay in it: "I won't divorce you until our daughter turns 18." Then, I tried to save it, "I don't care what's happened, look - I took off my pants!"
Turns out, you don't have to be active in your divorce. Your spouse can divorce you whether you like it, want it, or not. If you resist the process, it takes longer, costs more, and is a lot uglier. Even though I tried to save the marriage by having more sex, that didn't work either. Any attempts at post-break-up, pre-divorce sex pretty much don't work. Ever.
Finally, I accepted the fact that the divorce was inevitable. Even though deep down I wanted the divorce, too, more than words could express... I was afraid. I was afraid of being over 30 and single. Over 30 and a single mom just seemed like about the most horrible thing ever. Looking back, I can say 30 is young and I had my whole life in front of me, but then it sure didn't feel like that.
Instead of telling myself the truth and asking for a divorce the minute I knew I wanted out, I spent a lot of time being unhappy, wishing I was loved and cared for, and having a little too much wine watching re-runs of The Wedding Planner.
How do you know when it's time to pull the plug on an unhappy relationship? No, it's not the first minute or time you're unhappy. Relationships have ups and downs, and go in cycles, sometimes are happier and better than others. No, I believe there are a few factors to consider, and somewhere in there you'll know for sure:
- Either of you are unfaithful, or you wish your spouse would have an affair (so you could leave and make it their fault) or you're thinking of having an affair. Either or both of you are not getting what you need, physically or emotionally, if you're looking to other people.
If you didn't have kids, you would've broken up long ago. The kids need positive role models of happy adults, so that's what they can grow up to be. Your kids will learn what they are meant to do, based upon what you actually do. When you have different lives and don't spend time together. Unless you look forward to spending time together no matter what you're doing (or even if you're doing nothing), you're not partnered up right. Happily remarried, I definitely look forward to spending time with my husband, even if it's just watching a great show or going to the grocery store. With the first guy, I avoided it at all costs. You bicker or fight constantly. What are you not saying that needs to be said? Bickering and fighting can be a sign of a deeper, more significant issue. Sometimes what you really want to say is, "I'm done." If that's the case, take a hard look at saying that, instead of continuing down the path you're on. Someone has a drug or alcohol addiction and they refuse to get help. Addiction is a strong word, so let's start with this: if you need a glass of wine to "deal with your day," that could be a problem. I want the occasional glass of wine and some chocolate, I don't need it. If your spouse or partner drinks or does drugs daily, heavily, then you need to take a hard look and make some tough decisions, as this is the model your kids see.I'm not advocating for divorce. I don't think it's glamorous to be a single mom. I do know for a fact life is too short to stay in an unhappy relationship. If you're telling yourself it's for the kids, or you'll just wait it out until they're old enough, well, why on earth would you do that? The week my marriage ended, one of my best girlfriends asked me if my husband was the role model I wanted for my daughter. I said, "no." Then she asked, "If she grew up and married someone just like him, how would you feel?" Oh crap. Seek out professional help in making your decision, navigating this new terrain, and taking on your new life.
By all means, if it's time for your relationship to end, end it. Both for yourself, and if you have them, for your kids.
Honorée Corder is the author of The Successful Single Mom book series, and the upcoming If Divorce is a Game, These are the Rules.
Our 2024 Coverage Needs You
It's Another Trump-Biden Showdown — And We Need Your Help
The Future Of Democracy Is At Stake
Our 2024 Coverage Needs You
Your Loyalty Means The World To Us
As Americans head to the polls in 2024, the very future of our country is at stake. At HuffPost, we believe that a free press is critical to creating well-informed voters. That's why our journalism is free for everyone, even though other newsrooms retreat behind expensive paywalls.
Our journalists will continue to cover the twists and turns during this historic presidential election. With your help, we'll bring you hard-hitting investigations, well-researched analysis and timely takes you can't find elsewhere. Reporting in this current political climate is a responsibility we do not take lightly, and we thank you for your support.
Contribute as little as $2 to keep our news free for all.
Can't afford to donate? Support HuffPost by creating a free account and log in while you read.
The 2024 election is heating up, and women's rights, health care, voting rights, and the very future of democracy are all at stake. Donald Trump will face Joe Biden in the most consequential vote of our time. And HuffPost will be there, covering every twist and turn. America's future hangs in the balance. Would you consider contributing to support our journalism and keep it free for all during this critical season?
HuffPost believes news should be accessible to everyone, regardless of their ability to pay for it. We rely on readers like you to help fund our work. Any contribution you can make — even as little as $2 — goes directly toward supporting the impactful journalism that we will continue to produce this year. Thank you for being part of our story.
Can't afford to donate? Support HuffPost by creating a free account and log in while you read.
It's official: Donald Trump will face Joe Biden this fall in the presidential election. As we face the most consequential presidential election of our time, HuffPost is committed to bringing you up-to-date, accurate news about the 2024 race. While other outlets have retreated behind paywalls, you can trust our news will stay free.
But we can't do it without your help. Reader funding is one of the key ways we support our newsroom. Would you consider making a donation to help fund our news during this critical time? Your contributions are vital to supporting a free press.
Contribute as little as $2 to keep our journalism free and accessible to all.
Can't afford to donate? Support HuffPost by creating a free account and log in while you read.
As Americans head to the polls in 2024, the very future of our country is at stake. At HuffPost, we believe that a free press is critical to creating well-informed voters. That's why our journalism is free for everyone, even though other newsrooms retreat behind expensive paywalls.
Our journalists will continue to cover the twists and turns during this historic presidential election. With your help, we'll bring you hard-hitting investigations, well-researched analysis and timely takes you can't find elsewhere. Reporting in this current political climate is a responsibility we do not take lightly, and we thank you for your support.
Contribute as little as $2 to keep our news free for all.
Can't afford to donate? Support HuffPost by creating a free account and log in while you read.
Dear HuffPost Reader
Thank you for your past contribution to HuffPost. We are sincerely grateful for readers like you who help us ensure that we can keep our journalism free for everyone.
The stakes are high this year, and our 2024 coverage could use continued support. Would you consider becoming a regular HuffPost contributor?
Dear HuffPost Reader
Thank you for your past contribution to HuffPost. We are sincerely grateful for readers like you who help us ensure that we can keep our journalism free for everyone.
The stakes are high this year, and our 2024 coverage could use continued support. If circumstances have changed since you last contributed, we hope you'll consider contributing to HuffPost once more.
Support HuffPostAlready contributed? Log in to hide these messages.