I broke down in tears within two weeks of my split, but not because I was getting divorced. No, it was sex, or more specifically, the prospect of having sex with a new person (people!) that send me over the edge. I was having drinks with two friends, both of whom had been divorced for several years, and we stumbled upon the subject of dating. I remember my friend saying, "Don't worry, you'll even start having sex again before you know it."
Right there, in the middle of happy hour, I lost it. Seriously, I was a mom. I was a former breast-feeder, and those breasts were in a race for my knees! I had stretch marks, for God's sake, and there was no way I was going to allow anyone to see all of that. On top of it, I was over 30 and we all know that once you're over 30, that's it.
Well, no, that wasn't it. While my physical body was no longer in an unmarred, pre-baby state, I still looked pretty good. I just had all of those disempowering thoughts running around in my head, and it was up to me to change them. I had to get clear that it isn't just a physical body that a man is attracted to; I had other qualities that would be interesting to men.
If you're like most of the women I know, we don't think of sex as just an act -- it's something we do that means something. Sometimes it literally means everything. We engage in it with someone we love, someone we're committed to. After a divorce, it's not that we don't have needs, it's just that those needs take a back-seat to going through the emotions that come with divorce.
In order to open up to sex, love and dating after divorce, the first step is to heal. Healing, unfortunately, can be a pretty hard and daunting process because it means you must be willing to take a hard look at yourself and identify patterns, personality challenges, and opportunities for growth. Once you've gone through that process -- and it takes much longer than it took for me to just type that sentence -- you will eventually find someone you will want to be intimate with (I promise).
You'll also want to get your needs met, just perhaps in a different way than before. I'm a pretty touchy-feely person, so my coach suggested I get my inherent need for touch in another way -- I found that was a great excuse to get a weekly massage. You'll want to identify those needs and then find creative ways to get them met, without compromising your values.
Honorée Corder is an executive coach, personal transformation expert, and the author of "The Successful Single Mom" book series, written for single moms who want to create an amazing future, available at Barnes & Noble, Amazon.com, Smashwords.com and on iTunes. She also created the Single Mom Transformation Program. Visit thesuccessfulsinglemom.blogspot.com for more information. Stay tuned for the upcoming The Successful Single Dad.
It's not that big a deal, you'll find a guy who finds you attractive and desires you, you'll feel the same, and you'll get into a situation where it just flows naturally, and you'll channel your nervous excitement into super hot, super intense sex. And afterwards you'll breathe a sigh of relief and feel better. It doesn't have to be the man of your dreams, it doesn't have to be until death do you part. It just has to be for right now, get yourself feeling more confident, and take it from there.
I never remarried, but have had satisfying relationships since the end of the one. I still feel a little insecure about my body, 'specially the natural bust-downgrade after breast-feeding (and I'd do all again in a heartbeat!). But my boyfriend is wonderful and makes me feel as if I'm the second coming of Marilyn Monroe.
So its all good. You just have to go out and get what you want rather than waiting for it to walk up to you in a smoky bar.
That way they know what they are doing when they are in their 30's dating college age girls.
And the circle of life goes on...
But seriously Girls, have a little fun and don't worry bout what us guys think. The biggest turnoff is for a woman to start talking about all her problems to start with. And number 2: If the first thing you tell any Guy when you first meet is " I'M LOOKING FOR A SERIOUS RELATIONSHIP "or something like " LOOKING FOR MARRIAGE" unless the guy was raised by his Mother for the past 40 years and still living with her, It's like spraying him with Repellent!!
And once you get more of it, you'll never go back to the dusty wasteland that is American marriage.
Like making sammiches?
Find the right girl and get both.