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How To Eat Your Way Through Cinco De Mayo

05/03/2013 03:06 pm ET | Updated Jul 03, 2013

By Sam Ferrigno for HooplaHa.com

May fifth is coming...

Cinco de Mayo is a holiday to celebrate the memory of the small Mexican army (4,000 strong) that gallantly held its ground against the much larger, more advanced French forces (8,000 strong) at the battle of Puebla, Mexico on May 5, 1862. There's nothing like celebrating the underdog, and what better way to do it than with a gargantuan amount of food?

You can never have enough, right? (Spoiler alert: I'm throwing moderation to the wind. Farewell, dignity/waisteline. I hope we'll meet again soon). To have the best Cinco de Mayo ever, you'll need the following:

1. TACOS. Because duh.

Ground beef is so last May. Spice it up with a new main ingredient with these bangin recipes.

Calamari: I don't even like calamari and I want these.

Mushroom and Chorizo: If you want a vegetarian option, just nix the chorizo.

Fish: Classic.

Turkey: For you health freaks out there. Don't think I forgot about you.

Breakfast: Wild card!

2. GUAC. Like, omguac.

Guacamole is one of those things where if you make it yourself, you're like "Omg, my guacamole is the best ever and you should feel blessed I'm even talking to you about it." It's like an Italian woman with lasagna. If you try to tell an Italian woman how to make lasagna, you'll leave the kitchen blind or with a limp. I've experienced similar pride when it comes to the holy guacamole, so I won't insult you by giving you regular old recipes. Instead, I'll share this:

Guacamole Salsa: Be still my sweet, wounded heart. Romeo and Juliet have met, and the Montigues and Capulets have made peace. Thank God, Buddha, and Lady Gaga's costume designer for this beautiful marriage of greats.

Here's something you probably haven't made yet, or even heard of. Ladies and gents, boys and girls, Julio fans and Sauza connoiserus, I give you,

3. Cowboy Caviar. Don't worry, there's no actual caviar involved. Not a single amphibian egg at all, for that matter. It's like salsa, but so much more. Heavy enough to snap the wrong chip in half, the concoction is one head of lettuce away from becoming its own salad. Get the directions here.

4. DIP. If you want to dip your chips in something more dippy. I highly recommend these:

Colby Pepper Jack Cheese Dip: There's too much cheese in this for it not to be good.

Caramelized Onion Black Bean Dip: I'm sorry what? I think I'm in love.

5. Okay, that was intense, Bring in the churros.

Everyone loves a classic churro, which you can easily make yourself.

Everyone also loves cheesecake, so why not adulterate these two sinful delicacies? Below are mini-churro cheesecakes. With caramel. Here are the directions. You're welcome. Happy Cinco de Mayo, and happy gorging.

This is the greatest holiday ever. Sorry, Christmas. Move to May and we'll talk.