An Embarrassment to the World's Oldest Profession - Bernie Kerik

01/04/2009 05:12 am ET | Updated May 25, 2011

If anyone out there knows Salman Rushdie, please have him Twitter me! For sure, following the publication of this item, I will need to find a good hiding place.

What's worse than having a jail named after you while you're still living only to have the government strip you of that honor? Well, if anyone runs into former Police Commissioner Bernie Kerik, please ask him. Then run away as fast as you can!

The Associated Press reported late last night that Rudy Giuliani's former chauffeur has had his indictment modified just in time for the holidays!

What did Bernie do wrong? Well, I may have to ask my editor for a special series, but, according to the new and improved Federal indictment, Kerik:

Filed false Federal tax returns in 2000, 2002 and 2005; took false charitable deductions; failed to report a gift of a luxury sedan; failed to mention his free home renovations; failed to mention his alleged mob ties; oh, and here's my favorite....LIED TO THE WHITE HOUSE.

That's a funny one, don't you think? Lying to the Bush White House and getting charged for it?

According to the indictment, Bernie Kerik, who in 2004, was being vetted by The White House for head of the Department of Homeland Security was asked if he had any skeletons in his closet. His answer, according to the AP, "Nope, it's all in my book." The book Kerik was referring to was his ghost-written autobiography, "The Lost Son." Bernie claimed in the tome that he is the son of a prostitute. Thanks lady!

Note to the former Commish: You don't lie to the Feds! Ask Martha Stewart. Ask the late Steve Rubell, owner of Studio 54. Ask Scooter Libby. And don't expect a pardon from George Dubya. I thought it was impossible to make him look more asinine, but Bernie, you did it.

And while we're on the subject of books, I suggest taking a peek at The Imperial Life in The Emerald City, by journalist Rajiv Chandrasekaran. It's all about the early days of Baghdad's Green Zone with stories of corruption and incompetency. Deep amongst the pages is the story of Bernard Kerik, who, fresh from his "leadership" on Sept. 11, 2001, was sent to Baghdad to train the new Iraqi police force. Chandrasekaran reports however, that Kerik slept all day, was scared to be out of his quarters, and after only a few weeks quit the assignment and disappeared from Iraq along with a huge sack of greenbacks that he was supposed to use to set up the police force.

That's a chapter in Kerik's sordid life that has yet to be written. In his defense, Kerik's lawyer claims White House vetters were vague in their questioning and therefore his client's answers were not false.

Too bad for Bernie that he didn't have those contractors also remove the skeletons while renovating his closets.