ABC knows what you're thinking: You want to see a sopping wet Louie Anderson struggle to find his way out of a pool on a weekly basis while Detroit Lion Ndamukong Suh looks on, lying supine on a towel.
That's why they made the celebrity diving show Splash, which premiered on Tuesday. Celebrities dive and the arc of the show is that celebrities might get better at that. "America's gone off the deep end!" is what its catchphrase is. Oh, wait, no. It isn't. That appears to have just come to me, sort of like a dark premonition before the death of a loved one.
Anyway, since this sort of thing is now possible, we came up with 11 other potential reality sports TV shows. Most of them involve drinking, sexualizing people, and shooting stuff because America is a lot like Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome right now and we're not looking to change that. We're simply looking to capitalize on it.
Get used to the America you've created, network executives! Remember: You did this to yourselves. - Ben Collins
Celebrity Winter Biathlon
Celebrity Contestants: Zooey Deschanel, Jennifer Lawrence
If we can get celebrities to high dive, how far can we take them into obscurity? Every eight years we're reminded that there's a sport where you ski and shoot at stuff simultaneously. It's about time we made a yearly event of the only sport that answers the question "Can you pat your head and rub your belly at the same time?" Zooey Deschanel's Jessica Day is quite the klutz -- let's see if her real-life counterpart is any more dextrous. Siri can't help you now, sucka. - James Goux
Trampolining with the Stars
Celebrity Contestant: Sofia Vergara
Welp, this one's pretty self-explanatory.
We've never seen anyone jump on a trampoline in stilettos, either. We'd like to see those outtakes. - Naivasha Dean
Celebrity Jenga
Celebrity Contestant: Samuel L. Jackson
Others may challenge, but there is one clear winner for Celebrity Jenga. Samuel L. Jackson has already proven his mettle using a building-sized Jenga tower to crush hoards of attacking zombies in Jimmy Kimmel's "Movie: The Movie 2V." Is there any doubt he can handle the puny game-sized version? Plus: "Get this motherf***ing brick out of this motherf***ing tower!!" - Kristin Knox
Celebrity Car Jenga
Celebrity Contestants: David Blaine, Penn Jillette, a returning Jesus Christ
This is simply a plea to the American people for someone to make a YouTube video of themselves attempting to play Jenga in a moving vehicle. I don't care if it's a celebrity. I don't care if it's a cute child or an animal or an attractive woman. I just want to see this attempted. I have used this platform solely to ask this great nation this one question. I bear no ill will or intention. I simply must see this take place. I want to see a man or woman attempt to play Jenga in a moving vehicle. I know how it will end. It will end in frustration and disappointment. I know it can only end in that way. I want to see it. I want you to do it. Yes, you. Go do it. Go play Jenga in a moving car. Please. - Ben Collins
Famous People Playing Egyptian Ratscrew
Celebrity Contestant: Homer Simpson
"Doh. Doh. Doh. Doh." - Naivasha Dean
Celebrity DTR: The Biggest Loser
Celebrity Contestant: Taylor Swift.
Potential Winner: No one.
You may not know what DTR stands for, but you've probably had one in the past without knowing it. The "Defining the Relationship" talk isn't just for confused college students. Personally, I would love to see Taylor Swift play a hefty game of DTR against just about anyone. "Hey John, (John Mayer, of course) what are we? Are we boyfriend and girlfriend? Friends with benefits? I really need to know..." And BOOM! John is left blindsided by his sudden, unexpected feeling to run, and yet he's stuck for at least some time, before he can leave without looking like a douchebag. Taylor knows how to share her feelings like a Spartan knows how to fight. She would only come second to Woody Allen. - Janet Wood
Hide & Seek With the Stars
Celebrity Contestants: Lindsay Lohan? Aubrey Plaza? ... O.J. Simpson? Robert Blake?
What's a reality show without a good comeback story? Some people out there have had some time to think about things, and some people are really sorry for what they've done and would like another chance, they swear. What game could be more redemptive than childhood's metaphor for innocently hunting others who don't want to be found? - James Goux
Roller Derby with Walkers and Stars
Celebrity Contestants: Kathy Lee & Hoda Kotb
Ballroom dancing. Ice skating. Diving. Donald Trump. Celebrities have been put through the wringer for our enjoyment, sacrificing their pride to bring soul-crippling joy to the moving lightboxes in our households. And I can think of none more selfless and giving in this pursuit than the women on the Today Show's fourth hour, Kathie Lee Gifford and Hoda Kotb. If anyone's game for a celebrity sports competition, it's these two fearless women. While "Competitive Drinking" wouldn't pass Standards & Practices (lawyers are no fun), Kathie Lee and Hoda have already filmed the backdoor pilot to the perfect new celebrity sports reality show: Roller Derby with Walkers. Just watch this clip and see for yourself. - Andrea Marker
Celebrity Capture the Flag
Celebrity Contestant: Quentin Tarantino
If you were playing Capture the Flag against Quentin Tarantino, would you actually try to capture that flag? If you did somehow capture it, would you be surprised if his team launched a revenge mission so brutal that the back of your mom's garage was splattered in brains, Christoph Waltz had your captain in a pit near the vegetable garden, and you had to barricade your jail with the bodies of your fallen? Now that's great TV. - Naivasha Dean
Celebrity Settlers of Catan
Celebrity Contestants: Bryan Cranston, Aaron Paul, Vincent Kartheiser
Settlers of Catan is all about economic dominance, so we want to see what happens when you pit Brian Cranston in full Heisenberg mode against fellow Bad Breaker Aaron Paul and "Mad Men's" weasely Pete, Vincent Kartheiser. We're pretty sure they won't stop at just wood for sheep in their quest to own everything. - James Goux
True American
Celebrity Contestants: Daniel Day-Lewis (Lincoln), Martin Sheen (The West Wing), Anthony Hopkins (Nixon), Paul Giamatti (John Adams), Frank Langella (Frost/Nixon), Kenneth Branagh (Warm Springs)
When you want to make an award-winning movie or TV show about American politics, who better than this list of super-serious, highly-acclaimed actors to portray the President of the United States? And who better than these serious presidential actors to test their real-life patriotism in a no-holds-barred round of the insane drinking game True American? (We'll ignore for a second that three are actually British.)
In True American, the ground is lava, the couch is base... and the rest doesn't really matter as long as you're hammered. Picture a powder-wigged Giamatti choosing his Clintonesque intern, the method Day-Lewis doing the Howard Dean scream, or Sheen channeling Jed Bartlet as he strips in the Amber Waves of Grain. True American may have come to life through the roommates of New Girl but such meta players as these would bring the competition to a whole new level. - Kristin Knox